I don't know when, but somewhere along my life I divided my emotions into two categories: acceptable and not acceptable.

But sadness... I can't find it acceptable in myself to display it. But anger I do. I try to transform the sadness into anger because I feel like I can accept that I'm angry, but I can't accept that I'm sad. I deny to myself that I'm sad. I tell myself if I'm sad I'm weak, but yet I say that anger is so much more acceptable.

But I just feel so hopeless sometimes... I can't tell my friends I'm sad, I have a big thing with my self-image and to want to cry, to be sad, I perceive it as a weakness in me.

But I'm just so damn tired of not letting myself be sad, I'm tired of shrugging it off like it's not acceptable in myself. I don't enjoy anything because I'm always trying to avoid feeling the way I feel.

I know it's wrong... I know it's ok to cry and to be sad, but I can't destroy that line that divides my emotions. I just get so mad with myself, feeling like I'm a lost cause and that I'll never get better.

But I'm always ok in the end, I always get by, but I'm tired of just getting by. I want to be happy and doing well for once. I didn't think suppressing sadness wouldn't be healthy.

[ECHOES]

A good awareness. That's where change is born... in awareness.

to all parts of you.

[nowheretorun]

a divided self is like a divided country, a divided people imo...

think in terms of connection i like to think to myself at times like this...

the whole... the circle.. everything connected, coming together, belonging....

the tears, the sad, the happy, the joy... its all part of the complete healed whole imo...

dualistic (divided) thinking, imo, is a way staying stuck in conflict with opposities... opposing forces.... a battle...

happiness imo, is more like a river... it flows, has eddies and tides, an ebb...

im trying to learn to ride the cycle... like the cycle has its own personality, form, shape..

like the mechanical bull, i can control the settings on the ride....

[EvenMoreLost]

I hear ya, Vince.

As my T pointed out to me, the 2 are closely related. In my recent situation, I'm sad and hurt by what happened, and it's manifesting as anger. I feel like I can't allow myself to let the sadness and hurt take prominence, because if they do I fear they'll take over, so I'm still very focused on anger. But it's so exhausting, and I can feel the tension throughout my entire body.

There is possibly also a gender aspect to this. As another man, I can relate to the "weakness" aspect of what you're saying. I've always liked to consider myself somewhat outside of the traditional and expected roles of males, but there are times when I realize I am much more "typically male" than I would like to believe. There are times when I feel it's ok to express certain feelings, but the rest of the time I feel like I'm supposed to be strong and confident or something. I don't know where those expectations are coming from - whether it's the culture at large or just from within myself - but it's too much pressure.

[Perna]

I would accept that you have unacceptable emotions :-) The less angst you give to the division, the less it matters? So what if sadness is a good or bad thing? It's still there and that's all that matters. Knowing that it is there, you can't fool yourself no matter how often you say "I'm fine!" So, use that energy for something else? It can come in handy to be less not-fine.

[Moose72]

Are you male? Men in our society are more likely to feel that way, as there is an unwritten "socialization" that men must "tough it out", and that showing emotions is not "macho". My son actually asked me last night night at dinner what all kinds of emotions were.... we sat and tried to list them!

[Junerain]

It sounds like you would consider telling your friends you're sad? I had a hard time telling my friends, yet when I did, they said they'd be there for me, no matter what......... it was so freeing, I have very close friends, as I sense you do, and to let them in on it, was empowering.......you could show them this post? Or the next time they ask how you are, you could say, well actually, pause, sense whether they are prepared...and you could share a little, not too good.......whatever is natural to YOU................

[altonwoodsdrphil]

Dear Vince, You're on a rough stretch of road right now! and your shock absorbers are shot...IT HURTS! those 55 gal barrells of pain in the back are being shook up and bumped around so they've started to leak...(oh great,what next) in the back of your mind you know that this just can't go on...the guy in the seat next to you keeps saying "you know how to fix it dont'cha?" and the truth is, it's soundin mighty good right now. I read what you wrote,and this may not seem to have anything to do with it...but I think theres a deeper issue than what you can put words to right now, we've all got to have something or someone we can lean on in life...that'll make "it" okay, right now you're IT...and man is that overwhelming you! I'm a christian man so naturally I believe that God is the answer to your problem...but it's not, you're "problem" is whats between you and God! it's a lot of nasty stuff that you've accumulated thats been like a crutch to you (sin) I just wish I knew a way to get you to lay it down and WALK in the spirit, but I don't, I could tell you I've been where you are and that it worked for me then,as well as today,and I suspect tomorrow too! but because we're SO diffrent...well you know,it seems a little too good to be true, right? sorry I've rambled on so long, I just can't stand to see people suffer needlessly...I'm also sorry if I've said things that perhaps your not readfy to hear or that seem inappropriate.

Thanks for all the replies, it helps a lot to be able to come on and tell people on here... a place where no one will judge.