I'm so mad

To look at me, you'll see a happy and successful person.

I'm a big phony.

I can't enjoy anything. I hate everyone. I don't want to do anything. I'm just here taking up space. I'm jealous of people who just drop dead unexpectedly.

I'm so mad that it feels that I don't really have the option to take my life. I feel like a prisoner here without a full plate of options. I have responsibilities. I have children. I run the risk of severely damaging their lives by taking mine. Everyone would hate me. I don't want people to hate me. Only terribly selfish people kill themselves. My kids would be left with the stigma of Wow, your parent must not have loved you much to not even stick around for you. I'm mad that I shared this with my therapist because I feel like she judges me and feels sorry for my kids having such a messed up parent.

There is nothing wrong with my life and I have no right to be depressed. I have a nice family, a good job, we are comfortable financially, live in a beautiful place.

I feel like Self, you are so full of it. You don't want to end your life. You just want attention by talking about it and going over and over it in your mind. Stop being such a baby.

I'm so sick of being here and I'm so sick of being the responsible person who does the responsible thing and keeps on going. I want someone to say your kids/pets/family will be well taken care of, they won't be emotionally ruined, they won't hate you, you don't have to stay. Go ahead and do what you need to do and it'll be okay.

But that's not rational and isn't going to happen.

I'm so mad.

I get so angry with myself that I start pulling out my hair. I feel like such a loser for feeling this way. You aren't alone.

Wow, onion. That sounds like ME! Seriously.

I feel the same time a lot. I have done some really awful things that I feel guilty for. Deep inside I am extremely depressed, but on the surface I am a very good actress, putting on the happy face and pretending everything is okay.

I also have a child. Sometimes I think she is the best thing that ever happened to me, and quite literally she saved my life. But then there are times that I wish my last s attempt in 2004 would have worked. Because then she wouldn't be here, and my actions would not cause her any pain. It just makes my heart ache to think what could happen to her if I can't kick this beast.

I also feel like I don't have a "right" to be depressed. I read all these stories of people who have survived unimaginable amounts of abuse and neglect and trauma, and I just think, I never went thru that, I shouldn't be depressed. My life is good now. We are debt-free, I have good job, a nice home, a loving daughter, and a husband...maybe not loving...but he's there. Nothing to be depressed about.

But you know what? That's how you know it's a disease...and not just made up. The fact that your life IS good and you still can't be happy - that means something! It's something you can't control.

I feel angry and disappointed in myself. I feel like I've failed so many people and I've shirked my responsibilities by using this as an excuse. I know it's not true, but knowing and KNOWING are two different things.

Wow. Good rant!

Since that was your first post, let me be the first to say welcome (as long as I don't write so long someone sneaks in here and gets to it first [edit: three people!]). I joined up a couple of weeks ago, and it was easily among the best things I've ever done. I hope it grants you similar results.

Let's see, now...

I can say without fear of contradiction or possibility of exaggeration that what you wrote could be equally applied to me (and possibly others here), with the exception of having kids. And a job. Don't have those things.

But that's the trick - it's one of the worst things about depression - it doesn't need to make sense. It comes from some place deep inside you, where you're a human being first, and being a successful parent, being good at whatever your job is, and the superficiality of daily life doesn't really reach. I'm not sure I explained that well, but hopefully you see what I mean. I almost went with an onion metaphor, but you can see why that might be somewhat tacky.

The thick of it is, of course you have a right to be depressed. Well, it's not a right, nor a privilege, really. Don't trick yourself into thinking that it's a punishment for something. It's been statistically shown that depression rates have increased with the passing years, and it's verifiable through comparison with places where the standard of living is much much lower. My personal take on it (I am not a professional, just a depressed dude who has a lot of time to think) is that there's some basic need that's being unmet in our age of iPods, flashy cars and, ugh, reality television*.

I have suicidal thoughts too. I'd be extremely surprised if 90% of the people on this board didn't. And the second AFTER the suicidal thought happens, comes the other ones: "holy crap, you're thinking of suicide!", "you just want attention", "who do you think you are?","what would that do to your family?", etc. But, eventually it passes and if it gets often enough, or intense enough, we start to seek out help. As you and I have in the last month. Whatever mental crutches we need to get by while we're going through psychological therapy.

Your therapist is NOT judging you. For one thing, you and others like you are her bread and butter, but for the other, typically therapists are aware that even if they don't feel particularly compassionate every day (only human), they need to pretend to be (as you do) to do their job. If your therapist isn't doing it for you, look around for another one. It's your dime, and it's easier than it seems to make changes like this. If anything you might be irritated you didn't do it sooner.

It's perfectly rational to wonder if your presence is necessary, but you don't need to be dead to test the theory. (If you did, it'd be even more frustrating to find out that, yes, the people around you will still go on) We all carry about different degrees of responsibility, and I'm glad to hear that despite its heavy load, you're doing the right thing by your kids and job and whatnot. I'm not sure what your situation is, obviously, but it might be worth it to take a couple of days for yourself, if you can swing it financially. Get a hotel room, or a cabin or something for the weekend. Reconnect with yourself.

Finally, take the time to read through some of the forum here. It seems really really glib, I know, but there are some genuinely lovely people here, and being part of a community like this is amazing. In fact, the fact that we *don't* know each makes it all the more wonderful that so many perfect strangers are willing to send a little love and understanding to each other. Cuts through the B.S. I was talking about before, and gets to the core of our humanity.

*hug* Hope to see you around, and I'll send a little love your way. =)

*unrelated but sort of interesting side anecdote. I read this today on a well-known blog, speaking of the recent interest in american politician's spiritual advisors:

"My own profound spiritual adviser is a priest who spent a month in a third world country years ago. A remote village asked him to help them discern which of their children should be allowed to live through the winter; they didn't have enough food for all to live. It broke his heart. When he came back he was impatient with our prayer requests for better cars and job promotions."

There was more, there, of course to relate it to the topic, but that struck me as being profoundly perspective-inducing, and, strangely apropos to what I was blabbing about.

Wow everybody has such great things to say , I don't have much to add but I just wanted to say that I also have those kind of thoughts.
((((onion))))

Onion, I could have written that myself. I've been there many times. I know the hurt and I know the helpless frustration.

Things can and will change. I have to believe that for me and I hope for it for you.

Cyran0

Onion,

You have also taken the words out of my mouth... It feels good to really know that I am not alone. Thanks for sharing.

KS

Thanks SO much for taking the time to read my rant. It does feel good (well, nothing feels good right now, but that's beside the point) to know that others have felt the same way.

And if you need a laugh to pick you up a little - just go watch Shrek! And then Shrek 2! And don't forget Shrek 3!

Sorry, not making light of it but that is what your screenname made me think of. And even when I'm extremely depressed, that movie can still make me laugh.

When you're down, it's easy to forget that there are 'sure-fire' things in this world that have that effect on you. And a lot of the time, it's the last thing in the world you want to do; have a big belly laugh. But damned if it doesn't work.

For me, I know if I watch Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, I'll feel a million times better. But putting the movie on can actually be pretty difficult. It's almost as though you don't WANT to feel better.

You know what'd be a good post, maybe? A big list of what makes people feel better. Books, Movies, CDs, that sort of thing. I only own Shrek 1 (by far the best, in my opinion), but now I kinda want to watch it again. =) And have an onion.

*hug Raz & Onion*