[dexter]

My mind has been racing again all day. I think I'll be able to sleep tonight but the anxiety this evening has been horrible inspite of trying everything to stop them over and over. Several different things today had me thinking about my old job and I just can't help but be annoyed as I still have so much anger. My friends there when things were going bad were so supportive, they were worried about the VP taking advantage of me and they said they'd catch my back. Its been almost exactly one full year now and not once have they asked how I'm doing, shown any concern, come to visit (they explicitly promised after I got out of the hospital that they would visit and would stay in touch) and I'm not only so hurt by that but lots of other people have done the same thing over the course of the past year so I have to wonder just what is wrong with me that I'm just on the back burner of everyone's "care" list? I'm always seeing the people around me rally around each other for support, on birthdays, deaths in the family. People always cancel plans for my birthday because they have other engagements but all the other birthdays people go out of their way to celebrate and I spend my birthdays alone. Today again I asked for some support and got excuses. Maybe I smell or something. Or maybe I'm just too old for the group I've thought myself part of. I don't know. I just want to get some sleep tonight.

[darkeyes]

Dear one,
I know the lost sleep really sucks I get that often, and I do wish for you a good nite's sleep.
I don't think you are too old for this group, being that you just said you felt your may be too old for your group/friends. Maybe they need to grow up?
Take care,
now go and get some "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's "

((((((((((( dex )))))))))))

DE

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Dexter -- My heart breaks for you. I ask myself the same questions you ask yourself. My mom has said so many times, "We're all behind you," meaning my brother -- who told me to kill myself -- my aunts, etc. No one offers to help but they're all behind me. So far behind me, I can 't see them, I guess.

It stinks when people let us down.

((((((((Dexter)))))))

and that's just not enough.

[Maya]

Basically, I think the problem lies with the other people. Those who have not gone through depression, anxiety, all these other things we go through do not understand "us" - they feel uncomfortable around us (as if, perhaps, we were contagious). I think they are afraid, as well, because they don't understand. I know when I first told people I was taking medication and seeing a therapist some of those folks who I thought would understand suddenly were uncomfortable around me and would no longer look me in the eye - and I have worked in the same place for 33 years! Now, my staff, I am a director in the organization where I work, were great - they could tell if I had missed a pill or was late taking it or needed an additional one - they would yell out, "tell Mary to take her pill!" But the others, the ones who did not see me every day through all of this, treated me differently. It hurts, but it is human nature. We, as human beings, tend to fear what we don't understand - and there is no way anyone could understand depression and panic attacks unless they have experienced one (well, perhaps a therapist - I don't know if mine suffered from something like this before deciding to go into therapy but I suspect a good many psychologists and psychiatrists know firsthand what depression and anxiety really feel like). Anyway - don't worry about those others. There is nothing you can do about other people's attitudes - do you know anyone else who suffers from a similar problem? I have two friends, whom I have known for many years (one for 15 years, one for 8 years) who also suffer from anxiety and depression and are on medication like me. That gives me two people to talk to and really connect with over what is going on with me. One of them is one of my employees who literally saved me from checking myself into a hospital last year by taking off work with me and driving me around, stayed with me through it all, and got me started with my therapist and on medication. The other friend lives out of the country and we email and I call her as often as I can as she has no support down there. But that is enough about me - I just wanted to say, you are not alone - you have many people on this forum who honestly do care (and who look forward to reading your posts because they make a difference in our lives) and those friends you had just don't understand and, as one other poster said, they need to grow up. Take care of yourself - you are needed on this forum!

[dexter]

>>No one offers to help but they're all behind me.

Maybe we need to tell some people that if they really want to help they need to be in front of us, facing us, so we can see them.

Behind us they might was well be invisible or someplace else on the planet. How do we know they are not behind us gossiping and making funny faces? That's not help.

[dexter]

I know a lot of people don't understand, but there are people who should understand (either have or have been touched by depression in their lives) for whom the problem is not that they don't understand but that they don't consider me a close enough friend to want to take some effort or responsibility to help at all. I don't mean people should be "responsible for me" but it's like you have a friend of a friend who has depression, you're not going to go out of your way to help them, you figure their friends have them covered.

It's like all along I though I had really close friends when really what I've had is good aquaintences.

No one able or willing to step up, not even once in a while. I'm not looking for someone to burden, just wish I didn't have to go for weeks or months at a time without seeing ANYONE for a friendly visit or get together. I realize now that all the socializing I used to do, that convinced me I had such close friends, was because largely I was the one who always made the effort to get out and be where they were and to do what they were doing. The few exceptions to that are now gone either physically or emotionally from my life.

If I had someone I thought gave a damn just once in a while to visit and help me out and make an effort and not just lip service I wouldn't mind if 99% of everyone else never spoke to me again. In my history I've never needed a lot of friends, just a few good ones.

I feel mislead and abandoned.

[SS8282]

(((((((((((((Dave)))))))))))))))))

I know how you feel about what happened at your old workplace. Mine was similar. Where I used to work, my manager (VP and Director of H.R) was so cruel and deceitful. (I'm not going into details now because if I start, I can't stop ).

I spoke up for myself only to get into more trouble (ie. penalized in my performance review, put on probation - after 6 yrs of service, verbal abuse, etc.) Writing a letter to the CEO didn't help either. I ended up getting a lawyer to help me out (man, they were expensive). I had a bad breakdown and took short term disability while getting therapy in the hospital.

Lots of people in the office told me they felt bad for me, etc. etc. - like you said, lip service - but not 1 stood up for me. They were 'ok' while I was there, but they didn't bother to stay in contact when I left. Were they real friends? I doubted that.

I was very angry with the manager and everyone else for a long time. It's been almost 3 yrs now, and I still get mad.

I know it doesn't help much to say I care and want to help, (and I'm not giving you any 'lip' - I live too far), but I hope you find some comfort in the people here.

You're in my thoughts. Please take care. Huggles.

[shakes]

Dex,
You are such a wonderful person and if anyone thinks differently then that is their loss. I wish I had someone like you IRL to be my friend..but I do think of you as my friend. I know that you are so valued at this forum.
People in my life seem to push me away too unless they need something. It just seems like people are too busy living their own lives to take time out to help their friends when they need it. It is crappy that we get put on the backburner for things that we have no control over.

Stay strong,
Jessica

[SeptemberMorn]

I'm wondering if those of us who have trouble finding someone to help us don't have something in common. All our friends are used to us being Givers, not receivers. When it comes our turn to need help, it doesn't compute with them because they are used to Getting from us. I've even found difficulty finding someone to just take me to the 7/11 a quarter of a mile from my house since Jerry's been gone. It's so hard for me to understand and/or accept! What's the big deal?? Not giving or helping in any way I can would be so foreign to me. Makes me wonder if those that we seek help from have the same difficulty with us when the pendulum swings the other way and We need something. I don't know. It's just a theory.

Dave, maybe it's time you totally gave up on these people and quit buttin' your head against that brick wall. How about the acquaintances you have at your support group? Could any of them help you even if it's just a bit? If it's physical help you need, is there some church affelliated group that could lend you that support without charging you too much? There is a group here called "Victory Outreach" that won't quote you a price. They'll take what you can afford or what you offer and the money doesn't go to the workers. It goes to the organization. Maybe if you do some searching you can find a group like that and SCREW them people from work!

Just know that you are precious to me and many others on this board. If there was anything other than just typing to you that I could do for you, I sure would with no second thoughts!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dave}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Wants2Fly]

ditto ditto ditto

I value your contributions to the forum -- I think you are a real friend to many people here -- I wish I could do more to be a real friend to you and others here.

(((((((Dexter))))))))

[lenjan]

Perhaps the people around you don't know how to deal with your psychiatric issues. If it makes them uncomfortable, they're not going to want to have anything to do with that.

3 years ago, I lost my job. The company had started to tank and you know the drill -- last hired, first fired. They started out by cutting my hours in half in Oct., then just canning me completely at the end of Dec. I proceeded to be out of regular, full-time work for 10 months.

The people I worked with had 2 solid months to say something to me, or offer to do what they could to help, etc. You know what? Not only could they not look me in the eye, on my last day, nobody even said goodbye and good luck. I had a good cry over that one.

But someone pointed out to me that these people were probably thinking, "OMG, that could be me." Or, "what can I say that will make it any better?" Sometimes people are afraid of making it WORSE, so they just shut up and avert their eyes.

I'm wide open about my mental health issues. It's a part of who I am, and I tell people I meet right up front, so they can decide whether they want to continue to get to know me. Some don't. Some are good with it. The less-educated among them (although I was acquainted with a family practice physician who was completely ignorant about depression, and I wound up telling her to go do something physiologically impossible to herself ;-) are afraid that it's contagious. You know -- one person in a bad mood can ruin a whole gathering, and we're in perpetual bad moods, LOL.

But sometimes you find people who want to know, and are interested, and care. I told my current boss about my depression shortly into my employment there. She said, "I've never experienced depression, or known anyone with it. Would you help me learn?" She's such a pro now that she keeps track of all my meds and asks questions when they get changed! She makes sure to ask me how every appointment with my psychiatrist goes. I tell her in general terms how things are in therapy, and why I might seem more stressed out at different points.

I admit, she's an exception -- but those exceptions DO exist. I guess I'd say to learn to cut your losses a little sooner. I talked to that family practice doc (it was a dating-type situation) less than 2 weeks before she got all ignorant on me and I told her to go f* off. People usually make it pretty clear pretty quickly when they aren't worth your time and trouble.

Hang in there...

Candy

[Fuzzybear]

You are so valued here on this forum dex. I think these people are just plain uncaring. I have known some people too IRL who seemed to understand and then let me down, as well as people who sucked pretty much from the start You have so much to offer dex, please hang in there and I hope you find some real friends who live close to you very soon ((((((((((((((((((((dex))))))))))))))))))))