[La_Nouvelle_Vie]

So, I'm new to the forum and also a newbie at treatment for my depression. I just wanted to rant for a bit about things. No need to comment or even read if you're not interested. I just wanted to get it out.

First of all, I'm a college freshman and totally failing out. I just couldn't make it to class for so long that I got far enough behind that I can't make it up. Not to mention I have completely lost the ability to study or concentrate for any period of time. I used to read all the time and I wanted to be an author. Recently I can't get through my favorite books much less school books. I simply can't remember what I read for more than a few paragraphs; even when I read things I've read before. It makes schooling even worse because even when I study I can't remember enough of it to pass a test.
I'm also so uncomfortable at college. Its the environment partly; people are fairly distant and no one really cares about anyone else. I know feeling alienated can be seen as part of depression but this is a feeling I've had about the school since I was in high school. Its the local college and it was my safety since the college I went to out of state didn't work. The problem is that this one is so uncomfortable that I'd like a real change of scene and to be away from my family.
I've been having these feelings for a while and since I've been working on my depression I'm trying to fix these problems as well as the other emotional stuff that resulted from depressive episodes.
My father is completely clueless about everything so I don't get any support there. I've told him about what I feel, I've talked with him about what I want to do, I've been completely open about my depression and my medication. The problem is he lies to himself and his family about the problems we have. He told me last night that he thinks i'm basically out of my depression and that I should move back onto campus and out of his house since i'm "ready." He thinks that since I've been on medication for a few weeks I should be completely cured and that all my problems that still are cropping up are just a result of bad habits on my part. I'm not sure how to convince him that I need more support and less nagging about getting my life on track. It just makes me feel more guilty and worse about everything thats happened.
Also, since I've been thinking about and researching other colleges that i'm thinking of transferring to, he has started to nag me about money. He lied to my step-mom about a parent loan he took for my college so he got in trouble and is now taking it out on me. He's trying to make me pay him 10, 000 dollars so that he can get out of hot water with my step-mother. The problem is that if I had that money I wouldn't need to have him take the loan! There was no other option at the time and the only reason it went wrong is because he lied to my step-mother about taking it. So now he's pressuring me to get a better job instead of the one working with disabled kids that I love so that I can pay him back. For the first time he's started nagging me more about money than following my dreams. Maybe i'm being disilussioned about the world all of a sudden but I'd love some more support and understanding on his part and I'm not sure how to convince him that his lying is contributing to my own feelings of stress and guilt.
Just to end this rant on a happier note, I'd like to say that I do have one person who really cares about me and is doing his very best to be supportive. I've been dating my boyfriend for a couple of months now and when I'm with him I actually feel happy for what feels like the first time. He lives 1000 miles away unfortunately and since I don't want to whine to him about my life over IM or over the phone, he doesn't know how awful I feel lately. But everything I am able to tell him he accepts without hesitation and he's been a big part in making the first steps to getting out of my depression.

Thanks for anyone who read this, I hope it wasn't too much of an ordeal. I also hope it makes sense since its 2:30 and I'm a little tired. Any advice is appreciated but theres no need if you don't want.

Thanks for letting me rant a bit.

[nowheretorun]

its a big step to want to believe there is more to have in life than what you are accustomed to... its a scary thought to think that you can have more if you try... but you are doing it Vie..

i feel hopeful you will make it..

[bipolar_bear]

It can be such a hard feeling to feel misunderstood or unsupportive. I am sorry you are feeling both. It is especially hard when you are financially tied to the relationship.

It is nice you are finding support from your boyfriend. It must be hard being so distant but it sounds like you keep in continual contact. It is nice you found him.

BTW welcome to the forum.

BB

[Pseudonym]

Wowzers, that's a good rant.

Allow me to also add to the above: Welcome and I'm glad you decided to stop by and write. I think you'll find this place helpful - I sure as heck do.

I have a very similar story - I won't go into details, except to say that the places might have been changed, but it's nearly identical: Dad, college, money, step-mom, all that good stuff. I even went to my safety after not getting accepted at Berkeley. Twice. (I didn't apply twice, they rejected me twice, just to make sure I got the point). It helps, I think, to know that people have in fact gone through similar circumstances, especially if you're not getting a lot of support otherwise (except through your bf). So suffice to say, you're not alone. My girlfriend was on the opposite coast in my case, so I think I can safely say that it's a fairly close matchup.

Now, specifically, I can't help you with the money problems, but it seems to me that your dad doesn't have a good idea of what you're going through. I typically ask folks in this case if they can print out the thread and give it to the person in question. It's a surprisingly easy way to tell loved ones how you're feeling. In this case, it might not be a great idea, but hopefully you can see the value in getting him to finally recognize that you're still depressed, and are turning to sources for help. It's too easily dismissed when we're in the stage just before we go get help.

I need to get cracking on my day, but otherwise I'd write a little more. If you want, feel free to PM; I would also suggest spending some time going through the forums. There's a LOT of good advice here, and some of the most amazing supportive people in the english-speaking world.

*hug* for you and a *handshake* for your boyfriend for being an upstanding guy.

[RozG]

Hi

Welcome to pc

Hope you feel better for getting all that out...and i hope you stick around so we can help and support you.

[gimmeice]

Hello, nice to meet you.

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad right now.

[La_Nouvelle_Vie]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. It really does help to know that other people are out there and understand.