[TaintedGoth1]

I haven't felt so depressed and so unstable in quite awhile. Sure, I'd have days where I didn't think I'd make it to the next day, but I've been a sheer mess for the past 3 or 4 days now.

Hopelessness, depression, SH urges...all that crap. Just not wanting to feel this pain anymore...we've all been there I think. I sleep, but not anything that's not drug induced (thank you Seroquel). Even when I lay down and try and get comfortable enough to sleep, I feel a sense of panic or uneasiness. It almost feels as though inside my body is this intense trembling, but nothing is shaking on the outside or even showing on the outside! It's a crazy feeling.

My nightmares are of my neighbor (he raped me when I was 4) and just such craziness. It's not of the abuse...but of being with him. I always have dreams where we're an item...romantically attached. I'm so ashamed for even dreaming them...but I guess that comes with the whole deal of abuse.

I feel like a mess. I can't seem to laugh or smile or anything positive right now...but I can cry as easy as I can breathe.

[(JD)]

(((goth))) What do you suppose is causing this latest downward spiral? Is it an anniversary of that event, or something traumatic for you? What have you done at other times when you have had such dreaming?

I'm glad you realize that this is a different mood, and that you can remember other times when you were also depressed, and most importantly, that you can recall not being so depressed like you are right now. Try and remember that there have been other times, and you got through them, and you will get through this one too.

Darker times call for stronger light! It's very tough to take care of yourself when you are so low, but keep your mind going to good things... and not on the past, not on the present much either, but on each individual task you do, as you do it (mindfulness.) One foot in front of the other...

[TaintedGoth1]

My birthday's on Monday. That's hard...so hard to do anything without my mom. My brother leaving. My dad looking at me like I'm a piece of meat. Working on my issues concerning my parents...there's just so much I'm trying to do right now.

It's no wonder I'm such a mess, eh?

[(JD)]

OK! You're overwhelmed hon! Now that you're put it into words, you can fight it better. That is sad that you miss your mom at these times more than usual.

But now you have a reason and also a date... so you know that once you're through these days, you will begin to feel better. If you can, why not plan something you would really like to enjoy (even though you aren't sure you will.) Can you find something like that? If you really just can't face it, then treat it like any other day instead, not a birthday. You can always do something for a birthday later on.

Write down those things you have needing to be done, and if they aren't time-valued (like by next week) then just leave them for later. You don't have to do anything really, do you? It's important to not let your thoughts run amok, but distract yourself to get through the hours....this, too, shall pass.

[TaintedGoth1]

I just found something to make me really happy...you could say the best birthday present EVER!!!! Smokestacks is in labor!!!!!! I am the happiest mama ever!!!!!!

[Fuzzybear]

[TaintedGoth1]

Ok that joy didn't last long...it seems like this depression is stronger than my joy can get...at least now. I just feel dead inside...like I'm just surrounded by all this darkness...it's swarming all around me.

Today I didn't have the strength to stay online or even get out of bed. I don't even have the energy to be here...to be awake...to talk to anyone... I just feel no desire to do anything but lay in bed...lifeless.

[puckyjan56]

well, you made it to another B'day. I hope you feel better today.........so Happy B'day..............pj56

[x_BabyG_x]

Happy birthday hun... hope it goes well for you, and hope the sun comes out and you manage to override your dark patch soon

babyg xxx

[Razzleberry]

Hang in there hun. It does get better. I've been in that deep black hole you are experiencing, far too many times. Maybe not quite as far down but I've been close.

Don't let the illness "win". Fight it. Fight for your life, for your happiness. You deserve to be happy.

Is there any way you can escape? Even for just a little while? Just take a break from your parents, from your life, and collect yourself for a while. I'm not sure how or where but that might be helpful.

Sorry that you have so much to deal with.