Struggling...

Don't seem to get much done these days. Everything seems wrong... unfair... I've lost touch with the core me. She's gone back into hiding, afraid to get hurt... and she's the strong one. Hmmm... Not good.

I go to bed early at night. I take a nap in the afternoon... something I haven't done in a very long time. When I wake up, my mind says "I don't want to be here." It's not life or the place... it's the situations that have come at me without invitation.

If I go back to sleep, I feel guilty, my nightmare of not finding the door comes back. Damned if I do. Damned if I don't.

I don't want to die. I want to LIVE! Really LIVE!! not exist from one day to the next. I don't want to be dependent on anyone and it seems I keep ending up there again and again, in one way or another. Every step I take it seems, I wind up stumbling and falling. I can get up, but I can't move forward. Everything I do seems to turn out wrong. Dreams pop like a big old soap bubble and I can't seem to get the soap mixture right to make another bubble. These words keep going around and around in my head:

Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again

If I say "I'm too old for this" it's like giving up, losing hope... and I firmly believe that when one loses hope, it's all over. I'm not ready for that!! ...but I can't find the front door.

((((SeptemberMorn)))) Hang in there. I've taken a major downhill fall these last few days, so I understand. Take care.

There are too darned many changes in our level of independence with age and disability. You are in charge of your life. Needing some help doesn't make you dependent. I have a lot of thoughts but perhaps by p.m. as my social worker self comes out. Sugar, I have been trying to get her to go away. You are remarkable and you can do what you want to do and there is no crime implicit with naps. I have switched up when I take my meds and am finding more energy for my day. Go figure.

Please keep on plugging away and keep us posted.

Don't give up! In my fuzzy way.... and fuzzy bears are good, as most people know...... I certainly relate to your post ((((((((((( Tomi )))))))))))



Sorry you've lost touch with the core you. No one is too old, and it's never too late.

((((((((((((((((( september))))))))))))))))))

that song is so true...hope your spirits lift up soon...!!

septembermorn people are put on this earth to help each other you shouldn't mind leaning on people thats why we have them we can't keep to ourselves that makes us feel worse

((((((((((((((((( September ))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry hon. Your resources are very low it seems. Please remember in times like these that we're only taking a rest to regain them.

During our rest from tending to the "yard", they "ivy" can grow and become thick. It's covering your door. Remember, though, that you'll slowly (while in this time) forge a plan of cutting through that ivy, pruning it back, until your door become visible to you once again.

While you're doing this, always look back to the times that this has happened before and use the skills you learned then to cut thru the overgrowth that seems to get thicker each time.

You'll work this because you have wonderful pruning tools that you've acquired over time.

You're being thought of and cared about. You might feel it, but you're never alone.

KD

life is a miracle of its own
although some days you want to be left alone
thinking dreaming of what could have been
sad eyes crying in lack of hope
bed suddenly seem even more attractive than before
to reach out to find the light is what you're doing
that heavy solid front door seem impossible to open
the day will come when you have the right key
to get inside to see what is on the other side
until then- lean on those who want to hold you close
trust in the love coming from human heart
the past was then, still now in a way
the future is yet to see
so fight day by day
that front door will open- you will see

(((((((((((((( Tomi ))))))))))))))))))

((((((((tomi))))))))))
your a wonderfull person with a large caring heart, im sorry you are having such a bad time at the moment , i am hoping that you will find your core again very soon
take care, hang in there
dec xox

{{{{{{{{{{{complic8d}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Do we fight it or do we take a break? I don't know...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{WW}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm not rebelling against the help I've gotten through the County. I have a "personal provider" and I'm enjoying her thoroughly! She's become a friend of sorts. She's mixed race as I am and we've had some really hilarious moments.

My dependence on my family is what is dragging me down. My dependence for emotional support, love, affection that I'm not getting. I'm getting exactly the opposite.

No social life of any kind... !!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm not giving up, Sweety... maybe just taking a break...

I know your words are true... I've preached them myself. LOL Sometimes it's awfully hard to practice what you preach.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lucky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Where have you been?????? It's so so good to "see" you!!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Beth}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Maybe my past independence and bullheadedness is getting in my way. I don't know... I don't want to allienate myself. It's just happening.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{KD}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Your analogy is perfect! Damned ivy has invaded and it's growing inside. I've actually had that happen. Thing is, the pruning clippers don't work on it anymore. The branches are getting way to thick. I need a pruning saw... but if my hands aren't strong enough to use the clippers, I'm wondering if I can use the saw... ya know?

You're right, though. I've done this before. It's just hard to remember what I've done in the past to get that ivy out of the way.

"If only" keeps obscuring the way...

I forgot to mention... the nap thing is no big deal, really, unless you use sleep to escape. That's what I'm doing as of late... escaping.

I really identified with your post. Your words resonated deeply.

I am sorry you are struggling and am sending you many good thoughts and a whole lot of love.

I can't even FIND the door right now! It's just not there...

Recurring Nightmare

It's just another verse to this poem...

You'll find the core you again, Tomi. You have a great sense of courage and fortitude.......you're a very strong person. Here's hoping that door is more visible for you.

Love,

{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}} Thanks for your faith me, Sweety!

I have only just read this thread (after my original post to it)---->. KD's post. A weird coincidence. I wrote about undergrowth and weeds only today..................

(And that I know is true )

(Makes me think of freakin' Maths. Is it true. Or false. Sigh. I refuse to hide in the darkness all the time. Or limit myself to just saying "I am sorry that happened" No offense to anyone on the planet. Peace to all here)

(((((((((((((((( Tomi )))))))))))))))

"coincidence" = it coincides with...

Yes, I saw your post today. Isn't it strange how the underbrush grows around us when we're not constantly pruning away at it?

And if the other person had posted his/her post before your original/first post on this thread then I would have replied before KD. And if someone was checking or watching KD's posts ... then......... And I only yesterday, I think, wrote in PPlace about a forest. So my thoughts were, naturally, going along the lines of paths in forests, undergrowth and weeds which I have to CONSTANTLY tear out to stop them blocking my path completely

Hope you don't mind my rant

I really don't read all that many posts here, or anywhere. Maybe that means I don't care enough But I can't prune away aLL day looking for coincidences

Who was it who said "That way madness lies" ?? Or have I misquoted it?