[Psychotic_Phil]

Last Tuesday, I attempted suicide once more, this time by taking aspirin and trying to overdose. Since then, my now ex girlfriend Mandy has reassured me that she does love me as if I were one of her family and is being rather supportive, (I know that sounds suspicious, but she isn't the type to lie.) my homeroom teacher is concerned about my well being even more and my parents are keeping a tighter grip on me. Can you blame them though? What i did wasn't intelligent or thought through. It was an impulse because of this damned depression...

I looked back at my earlier writing piece "The Life of a Schizophrenic," and see now that during all that time, I was in fact depressed. This poses a question however; I wasn't always in major depressive states. What does that mean? We are in fact decreasing the Geodon and have had no ill effects as far as delusions or hallucinations. I don't consider myself a buff by any means, but I would say that what I have is close to Major Depressive Disorder with psychotic features. Either that or just simply depression with psychotic features. Haven't been psychotic in so long though...it's a puzzle I'll have to solve with my doctor when I see him on Wednesday, but any help would be appreciated.

As far as writing, I'm trying to get three of my fiction stories published after I finish writing the third one. I would post parts of them here, but my mother doesn't want people to steal my work. Honestly, it's substandard. Just like me in every way, shape and form. Or is that just the self hate talking again?

Did anyone on here know that Mstislav Rostropovich died on April 27, 2007? Tomorrow I will do my best to honor his memory as I am an aspiring cellist, even if I am the worst person that could ever operate a cello. If you do not know who this man is, check him out on Youtube.

Other than that, I guess nothing much is going on. i know I haven't posted in so long, so it is kind of strange for me to be doing it again, but people on here are supportive and kind. If it were up to me, I'd let you see my fiction stories, but it isn't so I can't.

For now this is it...

[TaintedGoth1]

(((((Phil)))))

Quite honestly, I had thought of doing the same exact thing in the past week...but somehow resisted it. Depression is a horrible thing.

[Pseudonym]

You come here to write, we come here to read. It's a good deal, I think, and I'll keep reading if you keep writing. Take care, man, you're not alone.

[Christina86]

(((((((((((Phil)))))))))))))) Nice to see you back. Be well, take care of yourself and please be safe.

[katfriendly]

I just don't know anything, anymore..........

[puckyjan56]

P Phil. at first you sounded like me but then you talked about the cello and writing, that was that. you sound so gifted. I'm sorry you are struggling w/depression. I do the same and and have dysthymic depression and just got over some pychosis with Geodon. I'm up to 80mg and i feel so much better. but you know different folks, diff strokes. I'm thinking of you and hope you will get over this hump..............pj56...............janet

[Psychotic_Phil]

Thank you everyone for your support. Puckyjan56, I actually am now on 120 mg. of Geodon and am decreasing. They used to think I was either Bipolar, Schizophrenic or Schizoaffective, but all those have proved to be untrue. I have had at least a few episodes of Major Depression though, with mild or moderate depression in between even when I was and am medicated. Usually I peak in depression just after I (TRIGGER!!!) attempt suicide but always return to a baseline misery. That seems a lot like Dysthimia now that I think about it. I had no idea you could have psychosis with that...

Ah, diagnoses. Always a source of considerable confusion in my case. That's why I tend to stay away from them. I've only started in cello and am learning only the technical basics in terms of form, but it's enjoyable. Writing of course is always a joy, even if it's utterly destroyed in my mind by low self esteem and self hate. At least I don't think everyone is disgusting anymore and that I hate all people. It's like that Monty Python song, "Always look on the bright side of life" even if you can't see anything bright. Mandy says I need to get the word 'can't' out of my vocabulary. She's convinced I can do anything. Then again, she does have a mental illness of her own...hmmm...

Just kidding. Most other people tell me that to. I never believe them either. Maybe I should...