[Psychotic_Phil]

Yesterday, whilst listening to "Let it be" I tearfully wrote emails to Jenn and Mandy, the latter being one that says that she loves me very much. I said that I would no longer pester them with my continued presence as all I have caused is pain. I even told Mandy "You should never have known me. Then maybe your life wouldn't have taken such a turn. I'm sorry."

I feel that I may have done something wrong, but believe because my dark depressed mind is telling me that they hate me with every fiber of their body. They have not sent responses even though I did not say 'don't contact me' I only said they 'shouldn't'. Either my suspicions are true and they hate me and don't care, they took it to heart and will never contact me again or their busy. I'm leaning more towards option one but am not sure. I had a good day today and even if I had not sent those emails I would still think they hated me. It's a vicious cycle and either way I hate myself. The Prozac increase hasn't done much even if it's only been three days. My mood lability is better and most likely the product of stress. My doc was right; I am depressed. I have "Philip Depression" according to him. I would not recommend it.

Apparently textbooks are just wastes of space in my case. I bet in a lot of others too. Whatever...

[katheryn]

phil

the more you sit worrying if they like you or not the more anxious you are going to become,leave it a couple days i know this can be hard, but while waiting try to find things to occupy your mind
hopefully the prozac will start helping soon
then you can email them to explain how your depression makes you worry that ppl dont like you, if they are your friends they will understand and want to listen to you

hope i made sense

[ECHOES]

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Either my suspicions are true and they hate me and don't care, they took it to heart and will never contact me again or their busy.

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Yes, all this is playing out in your mind. To find out what is real, you'll have to ask them.

[Psychotic_Phil]

I thought if I showed the emails people could help me better. There's nothing too personal in here...

I am getting the impression that I am doing little more than pestering you and your family with my continued presence. If this truly is the case, then I shall leave you all alone. I'm sorry for any of the grief I may have caused you, your sister or your family. I'm growing more and more annoyed by myself and it's obvious that I've overstepped my boundaries one last time with this new story. It pains me to know that all I've done is caused this nonsense. You should never have known me in the first place. Maybe then you're life wouldn't have taken such a turn. All I've caused is pain and that hurts.

All I ask is that you return my story to me and accept my one final gift; a book. It might help you write or not. You can keep Revelation of the Artist and return Serenity to me but burn Madman's Diary. I'm so sorry for all of this. It was never my intention. As the classic Beatles song goes "There will be an answer, let it be..."

If this truly is goodbye, then all I have to say is sorry. I know you don't love me, so I won't bother saying it. It makes me cry...

So long Mandy and you have my deepest apologies for this whole mess,

Philip

Jenn,

I'm so sorry for all that I've done to you in the past. You don't deserve it and it's all my fault. It always wrong of me to intrude on the lives of you and your sister and I'll leave now. I guess it's like that Beatles song "Let it Be." That's what I should have done from the start and I didn't do it. I'm so stupid for it all...

I know that you hate me and have for quite some time. I don't blame you. I'm very loathsome. That story most likely did not help. Just so you know, I don't have romantic feelings for you and am not obsessed, even though that's what I've led you to believe with that %#@&#! %#@&#!. Sorry...

All you have to do is return Serenity is Dead to me and keep Revelation if you want. Burn the other one and any trace of me. I just have one last gift for you and your sister, a book that will help you write. Don't remember me and don't talk about me in the future. My plague is gone. This is the last time I will communicate with you or your sister unless one of you contacts me, which you shouldn't. I sent her an email too. Everyone will be happier when I'm gone. I'm not going to kill myself though. I still have at least a few more years in me before I die.

Again I can only offer my deepest apologies. This is not a joke and please don't take it as one. Tell your sister that too. I'm going because you both want me to go and I'm not that stupid.

I wish you happiness,

Philip

I think they hate me and are conspiring against me. I don't know how to approach them again. Help!

[Psychotic_Phil]

Is anyone going to help me?!

[puckyjan56]

Psychotic, i'm sorry the girls haven't gotten back to you. i don't know the story but you maybe better off without them. do you think? i do know it will drive you nuts to worry about other people that we want so badly. My husband left after 34 years of marriage and i am still fixated on him. i need to just let him go and take care of me instead of him. i don't know if this helps or not but try and get better and post all you can ......pj56......xxoo

[LMo]

Phil, you asked so I'm going to answer you honestly, so don't get mad if you don't like my answer.

You said in your emails to them that you're going to leave them alone. Now you're asking how you can approach them again. What was your goal in writing what you did? Were you trying to get them to reassure you, or do you really "stand by" what you said?

My advice to you or anyone, really, is to pay attention to yourself whenever you feel as though you need to make "closure" with someone. That feeling of needing closure is usually an indication that you KNOW that the other person is uncomfortable with you, and that last "closure" communication is usually what slams the door shut. If you feel a strong sense that the other person really wants you to stay away from them, IMO the best thing to do is to simply stop communicating with them unless they initiate it. Closure emails typically escalate the other person's perception of the writer as being overly intense and dramatic... and if the recipient is already uncomfortable, the closure email generally doesn't help.

Too late now, of course, but to answer your question, I think you should be consistent. If you told them that you're not going to contact them again, then stop trying to figure out how to approach them. It doesn't matter if they are 'conspiring' against you at this point. You already burned the bridge - you're on your own from here unless they initiate a reconciliation with you.

[Fuzzybear]

I agree with Sky's post.

[(JD)]

Phil I don't know that what you are feeling is right or not, but what I do think is that you want to know for sure how they feel about you!

Hope your depression eases soon.

[TaintedGoth1]

(((((Phil)))))

[darkeyes]

I agree with Lmo's reply, she made an excellent point.


Phil, try to not obsess over this, and give the 2 you e-mailed, their space, if they are interested in replying to your e-mail and/or PM, let them do it on their own, and if they do not reply, let it go and move on and forward with your life.
Take care,
DE

[Psychotic_Phil]

I actually resolved my problems for now. They were very caring and supportive of me. Jenn just told me not to put myself down. She actually offered to help me with the math today, which I refused because of my pride. I got it eventually though after the teacher gave us the answer.