sliding.....

I can feel myself slipping down into the abyss and I'm feeling powerless to stop it. I am completely unproductive at work -- missing deadlines is not generally a good thing for a reporter! -- and all I want to do is stare out the window. It's all I feel *capable* of doing. I have no concentration, I don't feel like doing anything at all except staying in bed with the covers pulled up over my head.

Yesterday I sat down and figured out my budget to the penny through the end of the year. If I don't eat between now and Dec. 30, I'll be in good shape. ;-) It is bad enough that I'm in such a financial mess that I'm filing bankruptcy, but who knew it took $1100 to declare you have no money? I'm keeping my car, but I have to show proof of insurance, which I haven't had since early August, as I couldn't afford the premiums. Since I've had more than a 30-day break in coverage, it's going to cost me a fortune to get insurance now. No telling where THAT cash is coming from.

I didn't think this would bother me this much -- at first it seemed like a relief to have the decision made and the process started rolling. But it's consuming my entire life, and I didn't bargain for that.

I have a performance review coming up, and am contemplating telling my boss about all this. But we're only budgeted for a whopping 2.5% raise -- last year that translated into an extra 32 cents an hour. That's not going to help at all. I don't think she realizes the sacrifices I make to work here. Her husband has a really good job, and she probably makes twice what I do, so it's not an issue for her. She came in one day talking about bidding $2300 for something on Ebay -- at a time when I had $4 in my account to last 9 days. I don't know how or even if I should say something.

It'll all be better by the end of the year, but that's still a long way off, or at least it seems like it from where I'm sitting. In the meantime, I'm sinking fast.

sigh

Candy

(((((candybear))))
I wish I could say more right now. I just wanted to let you know that I did read your post and I am sorry for all that is going on right now.

Jessica

Awwww, CandyBear, I'm so sorry. You're right -- it's one of life's ironies that we have to have $$$ to declare bankrupcy. I went to what was then a "storefront" lawyer (long time ago) and did a lot of the paperwork myself -- bec. he was a jerk and it wouldn't have happened without me taking over.

I'm so sorry things look black right now. ((((((((CandyBear)))))))))

I'll tell you my conception of my "black goo" some other time -- but briefly, I've had it since early high school (when I first started dealing with depression), and the best way I've found to characterize the feeling is by comparing it to the last episode of the first season of Star Trek: Next Generation, when Yar gets eaten by this spreading, malevolently depressed, sentient black goo. I see it as a black rubber ball that sits parked in the pit of my stomach till something irritates it, at which time it starts spreading upward, trying to choke me. That's about where I am now -- choking on the goo.

But Wants2Fly, I had to laugh when I saw your line saying sorry things look black right now -- which is EXACTLY how they look -- but, being an 80s girl, it immediately put me in mind of an old, bad Clash song from my high school days, "Should I Stay or Should I Go." I loved the Clash, but that was one of their worst songs, so of course it got the most airplay. There's a line, "One day it's fine and next it's black..." LOL welcome to my life! (My pdoc has been suggesting that maybe I'm really bipolar II -- he might be on to something!)

I am just SO TIRED of being stressed out over money. People at work are trying to help, because the one person I confided in is a blabbermouth, and while I'm grateful, I hate being an object of pity. I hate having been looking for a part-time job since June, and not being deemed worthy to be hired. I hate that nobody really knows what my life is really like and just how bad things really are, not even my therapist, who I tell everything. I hate myself for having gotten myself in this position in the first place.

Oh, whine whine whine. Sorry! Thanks for the hugs.

Candy

Let me say this about accepting help & believing it ispity. Independence is one of the themes of American culture; all of us seek to be fiercely independent, pride ourselves on defending independence for ourselves and others.

Not only am I in that club, I was raised by a woman whose mantra is "I just try to stay away from people." Naturally, the legacy of my childhood is developing a superb set of social skills (that's dark irony, BTW).

What I've learned from the New Thought movement (Unity, Science of Mind), and from a friend who had MD, and from observing graceful oldsters who lose capacities and must ask for help is this:

Accepting help is part of the circle of giving jfrom hearts and accepting love in our hearts, with gratitude. If we do not accept what is given to us gracefully, we diminish the good intentions of those who tried to help. They deserve to feel good about themselves, don't they? Even Blabbermouth is probably motivated by good intentions, bec. if she were evil, you would not have picked her to confide in.

I have oodles and oodles of difficulty accepting help from others. But I know that is one of the lessons our spirits are put on earth for -- to learn to receive as well as give, and to keep the circle going.

I agree with wants2fly.

And just want you to know I'm sorry you're so stressed and sad.

(((((hugs))))) if you want them

Angela

being an 80s girl, it immediately put me in mind of an old, bad Clash song from my high school days, "Should I Stay or Should I Go."
Oh I recognize that song too!

Yeah, it sucks that you have to have money to be declared bankrupt. Really weird. But I hope things have improved a little by now, and that maybe your 'black goo' hasn't quite such a strong hold?