[Ariah]

Recently I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt. I was feeling much better but today was an angry day for me. Its my history to panic and get suicidal thoughts when things go wrong. Now today my impulse isnt suicide but it is to run back to the hospital where there is no stress or people saying anything that might upset me. Im sick of being so fragile and weak. Is this a normal reaction? This was my only time being in the hospital.

[eskielover]

I found that this was my reaction after getting out of the hospital also. There were times I just wanted to be safe & escape from the environment that was adding to my depression. At times this was accompanied by suicidal thoughts, others were just a desire to escape from where I was.

I found that I ended up getting into the cycle of suicide attempts, peramedics, hospital, home, suicidal thoughts, want to feel safe again, hospital, suicide attempt, paramedics, hospital, etc., etc. After a while, life was just a blur of hospitalizations.

This went on for years because I didn't stop after the first time when my psychiatrist hospitalized me a day after an overdose in an attempt to try to scare me. I ended up going between hospitalizations for safety from my suicidal thoughts & hospitalizations for actual suicide attempts.

Your feelings are natural because you do not feel strong enough to handle stress or upsets that surround you & you found comfort while being in the hospital. It is always best when you don't have the impulse for suicide, to use therapy to help you cope with the stress & upset. The hospital is used to keep us safe from ourselves or help us when we haven't been protected.

It is easy to get into the hospital cycle because of our desire to feel safe while we are weak & fragile, but try to find a psychologist or therapist who you can trust & to help you without the need to be hospitalized.

Keep us posted on how you are doing.
Debbie K

[Wants2Fly]

Hello Ariah. Welcome to the forums. You've come to the right place. I don't have any experience with being hospitalized, but I know that you will find love and support here. I am sure that others will respond who have more to offer about this.

Please stay safe, and post as much as you need to. Forum members usually respond very favorably to "Private Messages" too, if you want to talk more with anyone after you read a post. Some work or are busy on the weekends, though.

Keep us updated on how you are doing, okay?

[saudade]

Hi, Ariah.

It's hard to get in touch with the triggers even when we know about them, isn't it? It's alright, show me one normal person out there :-)

Are you taking care of yourself? Do you have a live support system? Do you think that therapy, maybe, could help you? Family maybe?

[(JD)]

Welcome Ariah. Yes, it's a good thing that you feel safe in the hospital. That's what they are for... to keep us safe until we can make better plans for being safe on the outside. And to have a few tough years of this is normal for some to adjust.

I agree... you need a support system. Do you at least have a T (therapist) to talk with? A good T can help you to better handle the stress of day to day living... to where your suicidal tendencies won't be so strong...

Come back and post as much as you need to... this is a pretty good group here.

[Ariah]

I have a therapist that I talk to. I have an online friend I talk to. Sometimes I feel I can talk to my family about it but too often I feel like I am scaring them or putting a huge burden on their shoulders.

The part that makes me feel crazy is when I was in the hospital I didnt like it. Then I get out, one thing goes wrong and I am longing for it.

[Wants2Fly]

Hang in there, Ariah. Hugs if you want 'em.

[PlanningtoLive]

Ariah,

welcome to the forums. I can relate - I was in the hospital just last month and everyday I want to go back there. I need to feel and be safe, as I am not out here in 3D.

I know that for me, it is a daily battle to stay alive and do what I have to do. I won't lie and say it's easy.

Try to find something to focus on - something positive, no matter how small. You have the strength to keep going - you've already proved that.

Hopefully you are seeing a therapist, to talk and work through the problems.

I wish you lots of support.