im really tired and very sick of myself. i cant stand it. I keep messing up over and over again. Im tired of thinking that change is just over the horizon. Its been over the horizon for years and years and years and years. I wonder if i am just tricking myself into delaying death because its the "right thing to do". Im very afraid things will never change. I have both the past and some promises and they are competing. But each yr i have broken promises for change. I dont even believe myself anymore when i tell myself to have hope

[(JD)]

((((esther)))))) keep going... yes, we mess up over and over again.. so does everyone else in the whole world. WE notice it because of the depression...

try not to ruminate from prior years, months days, of what you don't think you have succeeded at... those promises... try to focus just on today.. I "run" on my T's hope for me.. because I don't feel any hope for myself.

Disappointment .... one more dissappointment and I wonder if I can handle it... do you feel this way too? My T insists I need to stop thinking this way... yes, there will be more disappointments but they happen to everyone, and we all work through them inspite of them.... it's the depression that makes us think the "either - or" thinking...

You are in a difficult place... try not to think of too much at once, focus on the things you have to accomplish today...

I think you have changed for the better just since being here! You now are seeing both : past and future and how they compete. You couldn't see that before... BUT again, try to focus not on the past... not on the future. We have no control over those. We can control getting through today. We can get through today. And that will make us successful for today!

[Maya]

Sky is right -I think most of here who suffer from depression can relate to how you are feeling - I just finished writing my T with the same thoughts - just want to not wake up some morning but committment to continue on with life regardless of how my self-talk tells me I'm bad. My T keeps telling me I need to change my self-talk to be positive - look at my accomplishments and stop dwelling on my failures. As he says - it sounds simple but it isn't easy (and, so far, I have not made much progress with it). But do try to think of each day, each moment as independent from the past and the future. Live for each day, each moment. Therapy helps, a lot, but it all takes time - lots of time and it is hard to be patient as we work our way through the mazes we have created of our lives. And for some, like me, the prisons of our minds that we have created for ourselves. All we can do is to keep trying...

Thanks you guys. I had a bad day yesterday but I am feeling better. I havent been in therapy for wow.. 3 months now (since moving) and its been rough. I was right in the middle of therapy before and now with the life changes.. well ya know. Anyways. Im going to make an appointment this week!
Thanks for the support.

[Wants2Fly]

Aw, I know how you feel. My meds are kicking in, and having work I enjoy keeps my mind positively occupied for many hours everyday. But first thing when I wake up in the morning, it's the same old thing -- why am I alive? I am failure. Life's not worth living. Blah, blah.

I mean -- really blah, blah. Not yadda, yadda or anything perky. Blah, blah.

It's the disease. I've starting thinking of it as a demon. Like "possession" in the Bible. As some foreign, evil body who takes over my mind. Someone it helps to visualize the disease as separate and apart from the "real me." Maybe that I am able to do this a bit for the time being is another sign of getting a little better.

And I say that holding my breath and minimizing the improvement, because I am scared silly that I'll be back down in those pits again, where were considering whether I should check into a psych hospital just a few weeks ago!

(((((((((((esthersvirtue)))))))))))

[(JD)]

yes... it's like possession.. brain chemicals! not possession though.

I recently tried two different medications... for seizures and pain... they deal directly and succinctly with brain chemicals and synapses etc... you talk about weird and wild!

One of them caused my brain to CREATE conversations in memory that I never had... and situations that hadn't happened... My T was able to affirm this was happening because the events were supposedly very recent... NOT.

One caused me to "smell" smells that weren't there... ok weird especially since I lost my sense of smell 18 yr ago in the accident.. but on top of it... the smells were unrecognizable very strong and HORRIBLE things but not anything I knew of.

I say this so we can remember how badly brain chemical problems can affect us... depression is this...

[I know it doesn't help alot, I would still off myself inspite of knowing the cause]