[12gaugescrewup]

THIS IS NOT A SUICIDAL LETTER OR ANYTHING

*sobs* i don't really even know where to start i've been madly depressed for 5 years i havn't cried in 4 years i've learned to live with this depression for to long

i've had a girlfriend for one year 2 months now and the only time i kinda feel happy is when i'm around her and when i have a girlfriend when i'm not around her i'm depressed as hell and sadly today i heard that she cheated on me last week but its not a fact yet how does somebody tell there partner they love them and be serious as can be then go and cheat

depression has seriously gone as far as it can get nothing and when i say nothing i mean NOTHING ever goes right for me i don't have a job or a car or a license i can't even get motivated to clean my room, take a shower, swim with my friends or even hangout with my friends

i've have tried anything and everything i can possible find on the internet or at the doctor to help me but nothing works NOTHING i don't know what to do i don't even like to talk to ppl i try and avoid ppl as much as i can i don't even talk to my parents i try everything that i can think would help but it doesn't i barly go outside cause time i walk out the door i don't know what to do after that so i walk back inside

i lost my childhood friend 5 years ago the only thing that i had to look forward to in life to make me smile or keep me happy

when i tell ppl i don't have anything to look forward to in life i always get a (don't say that yes you do just wait until your older you will see you have tons to look forward to) well you know what i'm older 6 years later what do i have to look forward to

i hate living so much no one even understands whats going on with me i'm seriously suprised i've made it this far in live honestly i don't want to die but i don't want to live i don't have anything to make me happy nothing what so ever

i get more and more stressed after each day from having panic attacks and sleep paralysis but you know ppl tell me to go to the doctor well you know i've gone 7 times and everytime i take any type of pill smoke pot do cocaine drink anything i have a panic attack i've now been clean and sober from anything for almost a year now and its seriously not helping i don't know what to do with myself and i either wake up paralized the next morning or start to fall asleep paralized

i blame my biological dad (which i havn't talked to in 12 years cause he doesn't want anything to do with me) for losing his virginity for the first time and getting my mom pregnant thus having me i blame my grandparents for not forcing my biological mom to have an abortion

and worst of all i blame myself..... i blame the air around me for keeping me alive

I WISH I COULD CRY AND RELEASE SOME OF THIS BOTTLED UP PAIN INSIDE ME ITS BEEN 4 YEARS WHAT WILL IT TAKE!!!!

[nightbird]

cry if you feel like it, get up and do something, anything that is an ordinary function or activity - it will start to make you feel connected, then do the next thing.

make a list if that will help.

ex.:
shower, shampoo hair
clean up room
put on positive music to fill the air
plan to walk outside, breathe in fresh air, take a jog
take a bike ride
maybe look into part-time job at local coffee-shop, bookstore or something
exercise
eat nutritious meal or make smoothie
for today, no blaming others
re-language inner-talk, to something positive, like, 'i am worthwhile, i deserve to be happy, i am alive, i am getting better, i want to laugh again, i want to be free of sadness' - stuff like that

when we take responsibility for ourselves and our actions, our world changes .... we feel empowered, little by little. we can respect ourselves.

when we respect ourselves, we don't rely on others to supply our happiness, we rely on others to share the happy moments we have.

your girlfriend is an individual and so are you.

by having our well-being within us in decent order, and brushing up on areas we have slacked in, we become more attractive to others around us, and yes, we can be taken more seriously, and gain respect from those around us.

it seems you may have an anxiety issue, which your md can handle, plus if you are stuffing any grief from the loss of a friend, perhaps a counsellor can have a session with you to help you get in touch with where those feelings are now.

you have lots to do, but if you take it one activity at a time, and ask for help where you need it, (maybe with your to-do list you can get help - but ask them to be gentle with you, that you are having anxiety ... and it hurts) ... anyway, you can get where it is you need to be by taking it one step at a time.

welcome to pc.

hope you make lots of friends here.

peace and encouragement to you,
nightbird

<font color="#000088"> </font>

[Christina86]

Oh dear, I'm sorry I didn't see this last night.

((((((((12gaugescrewup))))))))))))

I like what nightbird has to say ... I'd also like to say - "don't give up" no matter how corny that sounds. If drugs aren't working for you, and neither is your current doctor... find a therapist, or find another doctor to help. It really can make a huge difference if you've found a 'good match'.

[AAAAA]

Many of us have been where you are now, we know that dark place. I hope that there is an end in sight soon.

Nightbird - truly awesome advice!

[Fuzzybear]