just so tired....

I'm so tired that I don't even have the energy to do any damage to myself -- which to most would be a good thing but to me means I'm pretty far gone.

I'm tired of being stupid. I'm tired of being stabbed in the back by people I expected to be able to trust. I'm tired of twice-daily panic attacks triggered simply by showing up to work. Most of all, I am sick and tired to death of NO ONE UNDERSTANDING. I try so hard to give people an idea of what I go through, and sometimes they make sympathetic noises and pat me on the head, and always they don't understand.

My sister who has worked with mentally ill people for 25 years just told me to stay out of the hospital because it's bad for my career (like I have one). My boss, who I've worked on educating for two solid years, reads me the riot act for f'ing up at work and has shown zero compassion toward me. The more I screw up, the worse I feel, and the worse I feel, the more I get panicky, and it never stinking ends. And I'm tired of it. And I'm pissed off at the people who helped contribute to my craziness, and I'm pissed off I can't f'ing fix it and I'm pissed off that I'm going to be stuck this way forever. Living this way gets old. Real old.

I want off the nutjob merry-go-round. I'm sick of meds and pdocs and therapists. I'm sick of trying so hard to make things work when for all anybody else gives a damn, I'm invisible. I'm sick of not getting credit for at least showing up and trying, in spite of perpetually feeling like crap.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Somebody please tell me how to fix me.

</rant>

Candy

hugsssssssss.. So sorry you are having a hard time right now. Life can push you to your limits sometimes. You have been so strong, enduring what many other people wouldnt. I pray that you find your hope and peace.

Your not invisible. Feel free to IM me any time. We all care here about your pains and struggles. Let us know how we can support ya.

Esthersvirtue

{{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so, so, sorry. You feel like you're on a downward spiral, don't you?

You need some time to regroup, time for yourself.

Please do so and feel better.

Mary Alice

Awww, CandyBear, I know these feelings all too well. And I don't know how to help. I want so much to help you with the pain, because I know how all encompassing and devastating it is.

I've also working in situations like the one you are in right now, and it is not good for one's health or mental health.

I had a good friend who works in the public school systems and is bi-polar. She has been hospitalized a number of times for bipolar disorder and uncontrollable behaviors. She also had to take semesters off to regroup. The Americans with Disability Act prevents discrimination. She has close relations with some of her coworkers. Sometimes she feared being treated differently when she returned, but it always seemed to work out okay. My personal opinion is that government agencies, including school systems, are more forgiving than corporate employers. Schools get federal monies, and disability violations jeopardize that.

In short, I don't think you should let fear of how hospitalization will affect you in the FUTURE be a big factor in what you do NOW. The prospect that a depressed person will not make it to the FUTURE is always there. So we have to do whatever it takes NOW to make life livable.

I don't know how to make life worth living for you because I struggle with this question myself. I seem best off if I don't dwell on it too much. Being busy with something I enjoy doing the past two weeks has been so helpful. Butting getting from the place of defeat and immobilization is hell.

(((candy)))
I understand what you are going through. Some people just need some compassion training in how to be nice to others. Bosses are jerks normally I guess that is why they are bosses. However they are mean some times which I guess is the other reason why they are bosses. Grrrrrr frustrating huh?

Jessica