my b-day - wish i could enjoy it

i just had a wonderful birthday weekend. i spent saturday with friends and sunday with family. i was showered with attention and affection.

i should be among the happiest people alive. but instead i sit here writing with tears in my eyes. i can't feel happy. right now, i don't feel anything.

sure there were times i smiled and even laughed. i was definitely appreciative of all that was done for me. but the joyful happy feelings were muffled. buried. suffocated by my depression.

it makes me feel like i'm ungrateful. i have people in my life who love me and care enough to celebrate the day of my birth with me. yet here i sit wishing i was never born.

i hate this! why can't i feel happiness?

and to add to it...people just do not understand. they can't comprehend that i can have an enjoyable day, but not enjoy it! i can smile, but not be happy. i can laugh, but feel dead inside.

so i smile and laugh and pretend to enjoy. i want to enjoy. but i don't. i simply can't. i wonder if i've given up even trying?

it's easier to lay down and let the numbness engulf me. but didn't i fight for years? don't i take the meds? haven't i tried to be happy? what are we fighting for??? is it possible to be happy?? to FEEL happy??

anyway...in 12 hours it will be the anniversary of my birth. to think of how happy my parents were when i was born. their little perfect baby girl with 10 fingers and 10 toes. all their hopes and dreams for me. and to think what i've become...

(((((((((((((( blue_roses ))))))))))))))

Blue_roses,

I want to give you the Gift of Hope! There is an Answer out there, whether it's a new medication to try, a new therapy technique to learn, therapist, biochemistry (like hormones) IDK which. I understand most clearly what you are saying!! Been there! But persevere! There is an answer for You!

Best Wishes for a new year of Answers,
mlpHolmes

((((blue_roses)))))

People who haven't experienced clinical depression all have a tough time understanding that paradox: laughing without feeling, smiling without happiness. Depression isn't rational: no matter how much you tell yourself you "should" be happy, the depression won't listen. That is perhaps when depression is the worst: being unhappy without knowing why.

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to think of how happy my parents were when i was born. their little perfect baby girl with 10 fingers and 10 toes. all their hopes and dreams for me. and to think what i've become...

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What do you mean by that? Could you explain a bit more? I think they're proud of you, and love you for who you are, otherwise they wouldn't be celebrating your birthday with you, right?

Be kind to yourself; do something special for yourself on your birthday. I hope you feel better soon.

And Happy Birthday!

Take care,



J

thank you fuzzybear, mlpHolmes & J. i appreciate your posts.

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J you asked:

What do you mean by that? Could you explain a bit more? I think they're proud of you, and love you for who you are, otherwise they wouldn't be celebrating your birthday with you, right?

my parents do love me. i know they love me. i am their daughter. but i've let them down. i'm obese, unhealthy, unmarried, no kids, unemployed, broke, and mental. there's nothing to be proud of.

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i just feel so awful right now. and scared. don't know what the next few months are going to bring.

i feel awful. i guess i feel awful. writing is difficult. staying awake is difficult. i've only been awake two hours today. slept the rest away. wish i could sleep all my days and nights away.

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blue_roses said:
i'm obese, unhealthy, unmarried, no kids, unemployed, broke, and mental. there's nothing to be proud of.

blue_roses: If I did something & made a mistake,IT is a mistake AM I a mistake?? No. Same w/ You in your description above + final jugement.

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i just feel so awful right now. How @ choosing to feel differently!! Check out the New Depression Chat! Begins on July 13th, Sunday!!!Hope to see you there blue_roses!!!! How @ Changing Your Reality?? maybe for some Joy & Happiness??

don't know what the next few months are going to bring.

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mlpH i appreciate the sentiments. i do understand what you say about mistakes. but still not proud of. to choose to feel diferently would mean i chosoe to feel liek this. choose happy. i coculd make different descions that could lead to a better life yes maybe but it all comes crashing down in the edn. it always does it always has. wuts the point