[Brahna]

Greetings. My name is Maciek and I live in Poland. I'm 18 years old. I'm a high school student, will be on my third year. I have a problem that was with me for numbers of years. I have fought depression many times but let me start from the beginning.
My problems started mostly when I went to Gymnasium (a type of school before high-school). I had problems in primary school but not that major. I had trouble in finding friends. I wasn't sure why. I didn't seem like a bad person. I'm well behaved, intelligent, funny, easy going yet no one wanted to get close to me. Slowly lonelliness became a giant issue for me as I gotten moody. All day after school I would just sit in front of the PC, playing video games. I had no friends to spend time with, no one to have fun with. 3 years passed and I'm in high school. I thought "This might be my chance! Show myself in the best light! I will surely get some friends". But it was a deja vu for me. No one come close to me, didn't talk, I was ridiculed, laughed at for no real reason. I was torn apart..I felt so bad I had psychologist help. I gotten antideppression pills. Two kinds. One was Xanax the other I was not sure. After some time of taking them I gotten fed up. I decided to commit suicide. I tried to overdose on the pills. Took more that 50 of them.
It didn't work. I passed out in school and gotten rescued by paramedics. After that I gotten locked in a mental institution. I stayed there for 2 weeks. In there I felt even worse. Couldn't get contact with any other people (who had the same condition or worse), I experienced great pain by what they injected me (couldn't move my neck muscles for 2 days).
I was home again, I tried to somehow live alone and not care about that. I had to change class. I couldn't stand being with those people. I was also in regular sessions with a doctor. That didn't help, no results what so ever. Few months later I decided to take my life again once more. I wrote a death letter and went to the train tracks to jump at the train. I didn't do it, could make myself to jump on the tracks. I went home...
Now few month later I have vacation. I started feeling depressed again..I'm lonely I do the same thing year after year...sit in front of the PC all day. I have no plans on how to spend my time, no friends to have fun with or go somewhere. I don't feel enjoyment in most of the things I do...

The last thing I want to do is to get "professional" doctor help...

[nightbird]

have you thought about volunteering after those gruesome school hours?

(i know school can be miserable for many kids, so don't feel all alone there)

Caring for the elderly at a nursing home, like a candy-striper type thing, helping the nurses and such, being a comfort to the residents there?

Or volunteering at the local hospital?
Or library?

Anywhere needing volunteers?

i tell you this because you will be appreciated, welcomed, and valued in these environments. It speaks volumes about your character to offer help to people in need, and it build character.

You need to love yourself Dear Person.

You are important and a special individual, and the kids in your school system haven't been taught enough about valuing each individual. Same happens in the us of a. Many kids suffer isolation and ridicule. To disasterous effects sometimes.

Let's concentrate on you.

Promise to treat yourself better. Maybe start a journal and log your feelings in it.

Try being e-mail friends with kids your age in other countries - someone to compare the good things in life with, what would give you pleasure to think about and wish for...things you have in common, like, maybe you care about the environment?
Global warming maybe another avenue to persue an interest in - and if you want to know more and how to help - there are sites for young people to get involved.
You can make friends that way too as you are helping the planet, see?

There are church and youth groups that insist on the value of extending friendship to all their members. Have you one of those around?

Volunteering is the best, I think, for your situation.

It feels wonderful to help people, and see the difference you can make.

Won't you try some of these suggestions, or think on these things for a day or two?

It might have another affect as well, it might bring you positive attention at school for the improvement you have made in your self-esteem and for others.

The best way to have a friend is to be a friend.

It doesn't matter if that friend is very young, your age, or older.

You seem to need the comfort of companionship and love.

I send those intentions to you long distance ... thoughts of peace and comfort, hope and love.

Keep posting Dear Person.

You are cared about... and there are people your age at this community too!

You might meet them in the chat room sometime.

peace and love,
nightbird

[gimmeice]

Hello Brahna, it sounds like you have been through a lot of emotional pain, I hope that you are able to post here and find the support that it sounds like you need. There are a lot of friendly people here, who are very helpful.

[Brahna]

I will try to reply to your questions one by one.

I did volunteer for some actions durning my school year, yes. I cannot do anything more since I have a lot of studying to do.
There are volunteer actions in my town but only in the school year.
Here people look at volunteering pretty neutral with no bigger feelings involved.
I do have some people I trust over the internet. On Second Life and Yahoo.
I do not care as much for the enviroment as all the hippie people, the treehuggers if you know what I mean. I don't associate myself with any green-groups.
I'm not a church goer. I'm not religious. I'm a spiritual person with my personal beliefs and phylosophy.
There are no interesting youth groups in my town (it's a fairly small one)

The biggest problem is the routine. Every day I sit in front of the PC with no realistic options. I'm sick of it..I tried and did my best to change it..no job, no friends to spend time with, nothing...

[nightbird]

how about exercise?

and joining a gym or something?

or dance classes?

learn an instrument?

if you think long and hard, there must be something you might enjoy, yes?

it takes a little effort at first, but effort pays off, and always will.

(oh, I'm a green type person, btw, and care very much about the planet, but it's okay - I accept how you think right now, you are still young)

if you keep doing the same thing over and over, you will not get a different result, you will get the same result.

in order for things to improve and get better, you have to be open to try things a little differently, this is where the effort comes in. Like working a muscle, it may hurt a little at first, and you might not be able to do as much in the beginning, but eventually, the resistance you go up against to strengthen the muscle, also makes it stronger and for longer. Make sense?

Same with our efforts to improve our lives.

Same principle.

We resist the stubborn urge not to change or do more, by doing more and different things, and soon we see new results and improvements across the board.

Just some thoughts to chew on ...

peace and comfort,
nightbird

[BlackTears]

Life is so different in these times...I am only 26 and when I was in school kids were so cruel to me because my parents were extreamly poor and couldnt really buy me anything let alone some name brand expensive %#@&#! which is what our young lives have been made to revolve around.. I left my hometown when I was 18 and I never went back. As an adult in a new town I got my first job and took care of myself. I made friends and even in adult hood people our age just dont know how to act. No respect for anybody. I cant say that I have overcome how people make me feel but I do think moving was the best choice for me. Moving is not for everyone. I have contemplated suicide many times never tried because I know I would chicken out. Professional help dosnt help me eaither but I dont give up trying to find ways to help me ov ercome this..No matter how bad I want to I just keep fighting.

[Brahna]

I will try to do exercise..but not in a gym..rather at home..
I would like to get dance and instrument lessons but I won't have the time for them after vacation and my parents wouldn't give money for them.
I did thought about what could I enjoy...sadly nothing came up to my mind.

[Brahna]

I'm feeling a bit better..met with some people and I will visit someone I gotten to know at Woodstock in Poland. Wish me well

[nightbird]

I wish you well, Brahna.

may you have much fun. You deserve a happy youth.

peace,
nightbird