no hope

I sat on the edge of the bed this morning and thought to myself, "I have no purpose."

I made myself get up and get out, went to the farmers market, bought some healthy food (and a homemade ice cream cone), bought a pretty bouquet of flowers to bring home and brighten up the place, and thought well, I'll just watch a little TV or something and then go back out. I have other things to do, and it's a beautiful day.

But I can't. I am on my way back to bed, and all I can think is how much this hurts, to be completely empty -- no hope, no joy, no belief that it will get better -- just blackness.

I met a new therapist yesterday. She asked me to tell her one good thing about myself. I couldn't. Normally I can come up with at least 2 or 3, sometimes more if I'm doing really well. Right now, nada. I feel like a horrible failure and a drain on the planet and on everyone who knows me. I drag myself around like I have boulders tied to me, and no knives to cut the ropes or any way to hack at the boulders to shake them loose, and I'm about to say the heck with it and quit trying altogether, since I have no good reason to get out of bed anytime soon (starting leave of absence from work on Monday).

Pdoc tried to tell me I have been here before and know it will pass. Easy for him to say. It has in the past -- but there's always a first time for everything.

This sucks.

((((((((((((((((((candybear)))))))))))))))))))))) Don't give up. I am glad that you went to the farmers market. Sometimes I have to do a little at a time. That more is just too much. Try and give yourself some time to heal. You are a wonderful, kind person. Maybe you can show yourself some of the compassion that you have so many here. Know I am here.

BB

When you can't think of a purpose (which changes, by the way, and you can create purposes), then try priorities.
Or something to enjoy.
Or something to learn about.
Learn to play a musical instrument. Perform.
Or something to notice.
Or make some art work about those flowers, about the market, or things you notice there, or anywhere.
This is me speaking of a difficult time in my own life - it was the art classes that became my purpose. And that has remained now for over 15 years.

CANDYBEAR We Love & Need You! I am very sorry you are hurting.
Can you imagine how many people you will be helping hosting your SI Chat??? SO many people need help with SI?? No Purpose to your Life?? Helping others, preventing infections, teaching, listening, potentially saving lives. No purpose Candy?? Your life & future are awesome.People need you, some are lost, you can help & influence their lives & their families lives using your skills as listening, giving them options instead of Self Inj. If you help even one person, you made the world a better place.

WOW A Purpose

Sendings lots of Love your Way,

Holmes

((((((((Candybear)))))))))

(((((((((((Candy))))))))))))))

Get yourself out of bed, for the simple purpose of trying to get through this. You can do this. I know what it feels like to feel utterly hopeless and to have the the *blank* hit the fan, but it's possible to get through this.

If you can't tell what a good thing is about yourself... may I fill in? You are a good person, who is there for your friends and who is a genuine joy to be around. You also do so much for people here, probably more than people even realize.

That's the truth. Now, how can I help you right now? I can give hugs, and I can listen. I'm always willing.

(((((((((candybear)))))))))

I've been there too, Candy. Seems like I am worthless without a job. But things for you will get better. You are such a special, giving person and this time away will do you wonders.

I'm here if you need me.



Mary Alice

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I am on my way back to bed, and all I can think is how much this hurts, to be completely empty -- no hope, no joy, no belief that it will get better -- just blackness.

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Sorry you are feeling so down and yes it sucks.

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Pdoc tried to tell me I have been here before and know it will pass.

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I swear they all learn that phrase in Pdoc101. I thought the whole idea of meds and therapy was so we didn't "been here before" again.

I know it hurts and I'm sorry you are suffering. You know we are here to help you through "been here before". Please keep us involved.

I feel that way at times too candybear. But you do have a purpose...sometimes days don't have any obvious purpose and that can feel horrid esp when we're so used to being busy but it does not detract from you. You are wonderful!! You give so much time and support to people on here...what would we do without you?! Well done for getting up and out - that's more than i do some days
(((hugs)))

I wish I could say something to help u feel better. I almost just didnt post because I didnt know what to say. However I wanted u to know I read your post and am thinking about you.

(((((((((hugs))))))) everyone. Thanks for the kind words and well wishes.

I made myself get out today too. I had a little shopping to do and then went and took myself to see a movie. But it didn't take my mind off how horrible I feel, and I didn't enjoy it, just waited for it to get over so I didn't waste my money. I feel like I am encased in lead. It is absolutely gorgeous out -- blue skies, breezy, 70s -- perfect day, and all I want to do is hide, because no matter what I do or where I go, my malfunctioning brain has to come with me and so I'm going to feel like crap no matter what.

((((((((((((Candy)))))))))))))))))

Please know you are not alone .... I wish i could comfort you, but at least we can be feeling like this together .... ice cream?

Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

(((((((jinny))))))))) this is how you know it's bad: even ice cream doesn't appeal to me right now. I'm having to force myself to eat, too. Eventually this lack of a reasonable diet and schedule for eating is going to screw with my blood sugar, but I don't really care about that right now, either.

I hope we both feel better soon.

((((((((((((((((Candy))))))))))))))))))

big cuddles sweetie ...... here's for a better day tomorrow ....

love you .... Jin xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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candybear said:
because no matter what I do or where I go, my malfunctioning brain has to come with me and so I'm going to feel like crap no matter what.

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Yes, so true and I understand exactly.

((((((((((((((((((candybear)))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry. Know I am here.

BB

I've felt this way before, too, Candybear. Many years ago, I learned to turn to my Higher Power with helpful encouraging words like "Let go and Let God" and "Keep it Simple," among others. Please take care of yourself.

(((((Candybear)))))

I'm here for you, I don't know what to say, I'm at a lose for words anymore, but I am always here for you and I wanted to let you know I care and that your in my thoughts!!

Silver

hope you feel better soon

(((((((((hugs))))))))) everyone, and thanks. But it just keeps getting worse....

PC has a rope tied to you... you can only fall so far and then you'll be on the way back up.



I think we could all share good things about you, but right now you won't hear them.

I missed what happened with your interview... and I guess you had to go ahead and quit your job.

I canceled the interview because I couldn't see spending the money, at $4.07 a gallon, to drive 3 hours and sell myself when I have no faith whatsoever in my abilities....and I'm on short-term disability for now from the job I currently have, although they only have to hold the position open for me for 3 months and I fully expect to get canned on day 1 of week 13. It makes me nauseous to even consider going back right now, so that would really be OK, I think.

I'm working on applying for federal disability, too -- it's amazing, looking back, that I have lasted as long as I have in the workforce, for as much as my mental health has screwed things up for me. And now I have all these lovely physical problems too.

And you're right, I'm not going to hear anything positive about myself, probably for some time.

you and me, holding on tight
won't let the other out of sight

for whatever it is, the reason, the lesson, the randomness or the purpose - whatever one believes, we still have some choices.

we can choose how we are going to feel about what is not alright with us, and hopefully, we muster enough positive feelings that line up with what is truly in the center of our heart, the personal 'seat' of our life, that we choose to fight, the bad feelings, wear the better ones that serve us better, and choose to aide our healing along with gentle nudges or big shoves, whatever is the style we like ... in our own fashion.

if we choose to recover, and it is possible, and not to late, why do we wait?

I hope you jump on board the rescue boat heading for dry land, and make your space one worthy of your precious soul.

love and peace Dear Person,
night