Grown Children And Money

<font color="purple"> Feeling pretty depressed right now.
.
I have 4 grown children and today 2 of my daughters wanted money. The youngest daughter wanted to borrow $150.00 to buy her husband a new pair of work boots because he has some kind of a problem with his muscles and feet. My middle daughter wants my husband and I to help buy her youngest daughter's school clothes. She is also hinting around about her phone being disconnected so I'm sure she's wanting us to pay that too. We just paid her electric bill 2 months ago.

I'm retired and my husband retired in 2004 but got another job in Sept. of 2006. He's planning on retiring at the end of Sept..

For some reason my middle daughter acts like it's our place to help pay her bills. She has COPD plus several other physical ailments so she can't work right now but she was this way long before she was diagnosed having these ailments.

My brother and his wife are very wealthy so she's always wanting me to ask to borrow money, pretend it's for me, then give it to her. There is no way I would ever do that. I know he would give me however much money I needed but I would never ask him for money unless it was an absolute emergency.

We have given our middle daughter thousands of dollars over the past few years and even though I've told her we can't give her anymore she keeps asking.

Can someone please advise me what to do about this situation with my middle daughter.

Wouldn't take much to have my doctor admit me into a behavorial center so I wouldn't have do deal with almost every day.

Sorry for such a long post.

</font>

Hugs to you, you are in a difficult situation.

One idea would be for you to apply the "broken record" technique. You could come up with a sentence or two such as:

"I know times are tough and I'm sorry that you are short of money. Money is tight here too and we won't be able to help you financially."

Maybe even write down what you come up with on a piece of paper and keep it by the phone.

Then apply as necessary. If some of her requests are coming in by phone, can you turn the ringer off and just use voice mail/answering machine? Is there some way you can give yourself a break from hearing the repeated requests?

When you do talk with her you might need to practice just not hearing those hinted requests. Maybe imagine they just slide right off you.

Might help you to remind yourself that if she is going to learn to better manage her money she needs to not be bailed out anymore, she needs to face reality. In other words, you are taking these actions both for your own well being and her well being too.

Sometimes people try to make it hard for us to say No to them. They hint that they just might fall apart if we do, they make us feel like we have to walk on eggshells. One way to step out of that dance is to set a firm boundary and otherwise not engage.

Best wishes to you!

I agree with this past reply. Also, by giving them money - you've trained them to keep asking for money. So, either you will have to cut them off or keep giving it to them - there are only two alternatives. If you want to stay afloat in your retirement, you really should let them fend for themselves. It could help them build character. I've got a couple young kids and need to start them on the road to higher responsibilities.

For them to be self-sufficient, they'll need job(s) that can pay their bills. Sounds rough if they have gotten to the point of any services being turned off. But we have an economy now where people who are paid minimum wage or even higher cannot really live any kind of life without scrimping by - yet our culture says "buy buy buy" and charge stuff on credit cards. Maybe the kids need some money classes on how to make family budgets along with knowing what they shouldn't be spending money on (restaurants may be one of them, alcohol another, and so on).

Just say NO. I wouldnt even give an excuse if they asked why I would say its none of your business surfice it to say I will not be lending you money.

Its about time they stood on their own two feet, yes let your daughter go to the Drs for help but you dont have to keep bailing them out....