Have I grown out of him?

When I turned 17 I was asked by my husband (at the time was my boyfriend) to leave home to be with him and move up north to Pennsylvania. He was 28, I just turned 17. When I asked my mother if I could leave she told me she would allow it only because I'm clear on what decision I wanted to make. But she warned me, she said "you will grow up, and he will remain the same". At first I thought that was a joke, but now that I am 21 and we have been together for almost 5 years it's beginning to show. I am growing, maturing, and discovering myself. I don't feel the same for him anymore. At first I felt he was my hero, taking me from a bad place and offering me a new life. Then I went through the daddy phase where I depended on him to make my decisions for me. Now I'm all woman and there is so much I want to do, freely. I feel I could care for myself and my children, I could be independent. Alot of questioning has surfaced. Is it true, have I grown out of him? Or is it a pathetic excuse, an excuse indicating I miss my youth?

from what you said in your previous post hon you are confused and this old bf of yours is making your life very complicated. just my 2 cents though.

That's a good question.Which I believe requires more questions to come up with an answer.Yes it can be true one partner can out grow out of the relationship.Now my questions. Have you included him in your new found growth?Have you given him a choice to participate in your new awareness?And do you really want to let him in?And how is your communication towards one another? It's true that y our love for our partner can change. but change can be very healthy for both of you.You are proof of that.






Maybe your greatest need is to give him the opportunity to qualify or disqualify him self in your new journey in life. Ask yourself "do you really want to give him a chance." Yes some of it could be your missing your youth. But only you can answer that question

Smilie

P.S. How do I get the smiley faces posted anyone?

I've mentioned my self awarness dilema and asked him if he had experienced the same thing when he was my age, but his communicating is pretty cut and dry, and he never really gets into depth about things of that nature. That may be where some of our problems lie. He never talks, and when he does, it's usually misreable.

The smiley faces are to the left where it said Options Post Icon, then says Book in that box. Or you can go to "Use Smilies" right below that.

des my hubby is a noncommunicator also. we have learned to live with that. of course I am alot older and have learned to live with many things in my life. I wish you all the best

Des, I've recently had my ex-girlfriend breakup with me for the same reason. We're both changing; she's becoming her own independent woman and I'm becoming my own independent man. She was always one to lean on her boyfriends for support and now she's on her own, finding out what she really wants.

We've talked since then, and she is completely satisfied with her decision. She feels like this is comething she has to do in order to mature and become the type of person she has to be.

From the man's perspective, it's hard to deal with because we wonder if we did something to push our signifigant other away. I know in my case, it's especially hard because I'm growing too and without that moral support, it makes it harder. I just couldn't be there for her anymore because I was changing and focusing on my short comings and it was beginning to take it's toll on her.

In the end, it's something everybody has to do sooner or later. I think that if you stay with him, it's only hurting yourself in the long run because you're prolonging your need to change. Who knows, you can sort things out and in the future, discover that you still like him. Whatever you do, I hope you succeed. It's a hard decision to make, but a rewarding one nonetheless.

(Hug)

Love Taylor

I think that's apart of my largest fear, and that's hurting my husband in ways he may never forgive me for. We have children together so our ties must be civilized and remain uncut, it's important for all of us. The only reason I began questioning this is because of another man asking me to be his instead. Still I have not cheated, but the questioning us and imagining myself with the other feels like betrayal enough.

I wonder if/when I finally make my final decision it will be the right one, the selfless one, the considerate one for all of us. I wonder if he ever feels the same way. It's all confusing and difficult. I've found that obsessing of it only causes immense frustration. I decided to keep my dirty little secret a secret for awhile longer till I fully understand all that would be of consequence.

The mans perspective is still kind of scary, but avoiding the pain is impossible...somebody will hurt either way. There's no running away from that, that's scary to me.

Des, I know all about that pain. I've been living with it for awhile now. Yet, so has she. She discovered that she could no longer pretend to be happy being in a relationship with me. She did what she had to do to fulfill herself. I can't say I understand everything she has done, but I understand the basis of it. She has to find herself in the world today. If that's something you haven't realized as of yet, then you have to do it.

There are ways of doing it though that can be satisfying to both you and your husband (I mean, as satisfying as they can be). My ex-girlfriend did a complete 360 and turned into a selfish, childish, and self-centered person instead of the kind, loving, and thoughtful person she once was. Her explanation is that she has to act that way in order to get what she wants. I personally believe that a person should not strive for those types of feelings, as they only turn out bad in the long run. She chose to become that type of a person, but you could choose to turn into a more level-headed and well-grounded woman.

I believe it all depends on how you act towards the people around you when you are discovering who you want to be. I hope all goes well in your decision. Take time with it, and keep us posted...

(((((((((((((((((((Des)))))))))))))))))

I don't understand why you can't grow where you are if you want? (bloom where you plant yourself :-)

Growing usually means "deepening" as well, but that you don't see your husband as a rescuer or father figure anymore, I don't see that you have yet had a relationship with your husband as he really is? That you are tempted to go with another man (and care about this new man's feelings when you cannot possibly know the new man very well yet) without having yet learned who the man you are with "is"; I don't see any "growth" in just changing men. Rejecting fantasies one has about another person is not the same as learning who one's self or the other person are. If you know who you are there wouldn't be so many questions, I don't think. Were I in your shoes, I would stay and explore myself and my husband/children with them.

Good post Perna.

The voice of reason, Perna!

The most important players in this scenario are THE CHILDREN. They deserve and need both their mother and their own father. In a separation/divorce, the children are the ones that get caught in the middle, no matter how friendly a separation it is. They tend to internalize the separation and feel that it is their fault. Your rejection of their father will be perceived as a rejection of them by their dad... or even you.

A marriage is a lifetime commitment. To love a person is an action, not just a feeling. Feelings are not facts.

The way it sounds to me is that this new man has turned your head. If you leave your husband, you won't be independent, you'll be dependent on this new man. IMO, that's not the proper growth you need.

You can regain some of your lost youth and still be within the safety of your present commitment.

Good luck, Des.

I know all of you are right...I know I know. I really do. I just wanted to hear it from people who've probably experienced them (or something close) like this. I've felt dirty ever since this has began and now I'm wishing it would just go away and I could be with my Brian and have no guilt or worries.

I've once dissed the wingman before, he claimed he was going to come here and take me from this place. I've told him he'd ruin my life if he did that and he states "I couldn't let go without a fight". So pretty much it's put me in a very awkward position. I've began this and obvisiouly risked my family doing so. I'm beginning to thing that maybe I have no choice but to tell Brian, but when that does happen I might be out on my ***...I hope not.

The situation has gotten old quick and obviously I know where I need to be (and want to be) and that's at home with my husband, keeping him and his children together. It would be very selfish me other wise...for what, for some good sex. That's not a good enough reason really, it would be immoral of me to leave here for sex.

I'm not sure how to blow the wingman off without starting war, but I think I can sappy my way out if I go about it right.

I appreciate your honesty, I know all your intentions are good and well and I trust them...it is ultimately about my babies.

Des, I'm so happy for you! You seem to be getting it together and on the right track. Congrats, and keep up the great and positive work!

((((((((((((Des))))))))))))

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Desirae}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

des hon why tell your husband? I think that would only cause him pain needlessly. just tell the guy no way are you leaving your husband. I have been in your shoes hon and I know others that have as well. it never works out. usually you tell the hubby and the guy never shows. just be careful

Des,
Did you do anything physical with this other man? Or were you just considering it? I guess I don't know the history. Having been somewhat in your situation, I can relate to what you have been/are going through. Please PM me if you need to. I do not have children, but I was at a point, years back, where I felt "old" at age 24 and, like you, wanted my youth back- and to me, a new "spark" seemed like the way to feel young again at that time. I had been with my boyfriend/fiance (now husband) for 6 years. I did go down that road and have regretted it deeply ever since. I can't say I didn't learn anything because I have- I learned that I never again want to hurt the person I care most about, who has always been there for me, just for a bit of feeling "free" and "young"- it's not worth it. But it seems as though you are figuring that out for yourself, however you got to that outcome.

As for telling him- I guess that depends on how far you took it? Many would say that people relieve themselves of things for selfish reasons- to alleviate their own guilt. I have to say, I did that as well. But I also have to say, it didn't work. The guilt didn't go away, but I certainly did cause a lot of hurt and damage. That's not to say I'm not glad that things aren't out in the open, but just that there are pros and cons to telling. Again, I don't know what all went on, so that's for only you to decide. But I would definately suggest that if it was just a temptation, he probably doesn't need to know.

That's just my personal experience and thoughts.

Good luck- we wish you the best!