My day's gone awry in a few minutes.

I was okay today until thoughts of my ex came to me. This is so stupid, we broke up nine months ago and I still think of him. It made me really depressed and so I started crying. I'm alone very often and feel extremely uncomfortable communicating with anyone. I've been feeling like I really will be alone for the rest of my life. I dearly miss having a boyfriend but I know that I'd screw it up like I did before, and that I don't have many opportunities to even attempt at one. I guess it's because I get so attached to certain people. When I met my last boyfriend we were states apart and communicated through phone and email alone. Then of course, I would have to nearly whisper on the phone at night just to talk to him. My parents would have been completely against my having a boyfriend and would have punished me if I were more obvious. I was falling apart when I was with him because of really bad issues with my parents, and I bet he thinks I'm some sort of nutjob. I guess another reason I used to be so clingy with him was because my parents didn't care at all about my thoughts or feelings. They would just dump their problems on me and force me to listen for hours about how their lives weren't fair and how everyone else was wrong, but when I felt lonely or sad they'd just tell me to get over it. I hated how I was told that I talked too much, and when I just bottled it up until I couldn't stand it anymore, they got mad at me for not telling them anything. It was infuriating.

Of course, now my parents are "changed", which I'm skeptical of. Since it is summer, I just spend most of my time in my room avoiding them. They tell me that I spend too much time in my room and my dad even accused me of being the reason why he closes his door so often, but what else can I do? If I go to the living room, someone wants to pick an argument and then call me wrong and the reason for their problems. Or I'll go down there and they'll lock me into hour-long dialogues about how life is not fair for them and how the other spouse is lacking, which I really don't like going into. You see, if one even starts talking about the other to me, than the other seeks me out for being a "traitor" to them. I'm not lying, my dad's actually said it before.

I don't think I'll even bother to build a relationship with my mom. She spent so many years breaking me down and telling me that I was stupid and useless, and now she wants to be all buddy-buddy with me. HA! Then every damned time she does the same thing,and calls me an insult afterwards. But if I don't play like I'm her friend, then she may cry one night and then start to pick at me because I'm not responding to her.

It's really defeating. School counselors don't work, I tried that last year(sophomore year)and the lady only called my mom up to meet me. My mom told me that if that ever happened again than they'd have to call my dad, who works in another county and who told me NEVER to talk to anyone else about my home life. (He was brought up to the office when I was in middle school.)

Neither do teachers, because they find the urge to blab off with their big mouths to my parents. I feel incredibly awkward calling one of those helplines, and depending on my stability, I clam up so bad that I can't actually tell them what's wrong.

Last year I got so depressed that I would literally spill my guts to anyone close enough to listen, which only granted me weird looks, gossip, and loneliness. I think they think I'm nuts.

I think I'm starting to see why I make so many posts about wanting a boyfriend or missing my old one. It tears me apart when I'm having hard times and I can't speak to anyone close. At the same time, whenever I do get close enough to a guy (or anyone), they get fed-up with my sadness and just abandon me. It's made me skeptical of people who get too close, because I feel they'll just do the same and leave me heartbroken again. I mean, it's nine months (with no contact either) and I'm still hung up on the same one person. Can you imagine just how much worse it would be if more than one did the same thing?

All this spilling over into the depression forum has given me a lump in my throat and a sick feeling in my stomach. For now, I'll just stop and shut up.

<font color="purple">I think I read an article on the blog here about how inadequite the rescources are for counceling for teensbecause of well...the reasons you stated above, that the school just blabs about it to your parents. I'm not really savvy about these sorts of things, sorry.

It's understandable why you want your boyfriend, considering that you don't have a close relationship with your parents, and from the sounds of things, don't have friends who are really trustworthy in the "keeping serets" department...so I get why you would miss him so much.

I don't think you're a "nut job" by the way.
We all need outlets for our frustrations
And we all need close relationships
Or else we would probably emotoinaly implode
(especialy as teenagers)
Being denied both of those things...it isn't right!

(Eh, sorry this response is crappy, I hope someone else here does a better job trying to help out )</font>

I am so sorry you are struggling so much right now. It can be so lonely to not be heard or supported. It sounds like your relationship with your parents is not very supportive of you. I am sorry you are missing this from your family.

Dealing with strong emotions can be very hard for some people and your friends may not be in a place where they can't support you right now like you need. I am sorry about your counselor at school. Sometimes pastors can be a source of comfort.

If you ever need someone to talk to don't hesitate to PM me.

BB

I miss having a boyfriend very much. At the present moment I confide only in my therapist. My last relationship was kind of awkward and still unresolved and left feeling wanting for something else.
I kind of understand about the parent thing. My mom nags at me all the time. She talks to me about my imperfections. Its quite difficult for one to recover from anything.
I guess you have yourself in this life.