[Humpty Dumpty]

Let me start off by saying I have never attempted suicide. If I had I'm fairly certain I would have "succeeded". I have come real close to doing it a few times over the past couple years. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being I have done it. At my worst times I have been a 9, 9.5, & 8. Each time I have suffered some sort of physical effect from being so close to the "edge".

Which came first the chicken or the egg? I don't know which happened first. I was suffering from a nervous breakdown. I don't know if that lead to my serious suicidal thoughts or if fighting against those thoughts so hard lead to the breakdown. Either way after all is said and done I had a severe tremor in my right hand that caused my whole arm to shake. Now you could probably rate it as moderate.

The 2nd time, 9.5, I started cutting & the day I almost did it my stomach got really tore up. I'm fairly certain this is also the cause of my ulcers. Sometime between my 2nd & 3rd time my tremor moved into my right foot as well, causing my right leg to bounce. I have also started to on occasion drag my right heel across the ground. Now after my most recent serious bout I have started dragging my whole right foot, not just the heel, all the time.

Has anyone else had problems like this? Not necessarily a problem that is a direct result of a failed suicide, but just the physical breakdown of you coming so close but not following through. It's like I'm paying a heavy price for not killing myself. I still regret not going through with it when I had the most courage to pull it off.

I stared Death in the face and Death stared back.

[mindwrench]

I don't know where you are in this big world, but I really hope there is somebody around you, that can help you through even if they are no kind of medical/mental doctor, I think you and I share a distrust of them. A team effort might be what it takes to gain some ground.

There was a particular time that I was dealing with what I felt was an impossible situation.As my mental state was tenuous and I had a emotional bomb dropped in my lap that stopped me cold. I spent nearly a month organizing and planning. During that time I mentally turned off areas of my mind such as emotional, judgement, and connections to the world and people. I felt as though I had completely detached myself from this world. In the last few days before the time, the overwhelming factor of the situation resolved. The burden removed, but I could not rejoice, I could not celebrate, I could only exist. I soon after developed runaway hypertension, that was bad enough I blacked out often, and had trouble walking to my mailbox without falling down, and laying there wondering who would find me. I sought medical help and they could not explain the erratic swings in blood pressure, and it took nearly a year before i was consistently stable pressure. That was 8 years ago, and I still sometimes have blood pressure swings that put me out of commission. So that is a physical effect possibly, as I never had that issue before. The worst effect of that experience though, was being unable to ever feel connected to the world again, after severing those ties mentally.

I'm glad you are still around to talk to. It means a lot to me.

[Clara22]

Yes, I had my immune system very affected

This sort of thing has been recorded in Samurai warriors who were pardoned from hari-kiri (at the point of committing seppukku) and in other cultures where a death sentence has been cancelled moments before death was due to occur.

[Fuzzybear]