Thoughts

Sorry for length, this may end up being a little long. I've already ranted and complained yesterday but just so very erg right now so apologies. Possible trigger?

I feel so alone. I know technically I'm not- I'm staying with people right now, Kate is here but really rough time for her too, Torin and Evan are here. I know I'll post this and it'll probably be read by a few people and that there's a few people on this site I'm pretty comfortable with. I know in that sense I'm not alone.

But it doesn't help in a way. I feel so alone. I feel alone in my emotions and in my memories. I feel alone in my pain and sadness. I feel alone in my grief.

it kind of reminds me of when I was a bit younger and I wanted a penpal. I was too old for one and I knew it was stupid but I wanted one so bad- someone who I would send a letter or an email everyday or something just to say what had happened in my day and I wouldn't feel stupid for doing it because they'd write the first letter. I don't communicate if I have to make the first move.

Memories come back and they don't leave, I backtrack in what little progress I've ever made. Sober? No, I drank today and I'm sure I will tonight. Clean, aside from alcohol? No. Trying a positive outlook? I can't. Trying to be braver and ask for help? Trying to trust people more? How can I? I'm not in control.

I'm not strong. People keep saying that my idea of strength is wrong but this is what has been hammered into my head a million times and it isn't something I can just change my mind about or something. People here give amazing and great advice, and I do read it and think about it a lot, but I feel like I'm held back by the past or something. I can't explain things.

I want to scream and yell and TALK (which I guess I'm doing now). I was taught never lean on anyone. never rely on everyone. Never accept help. Never want or need help. That's what weakness was. I'm screwed up- I'm still trying to live up to what the past wants me to be, I'm still wanting to be accepted and not hated by them. I'm an idiot.

Doctor tomorrow (wish me luck because I have none), can't cancel at this point, stupid bloody eye I have put off forever, I'd describe how it looks but it's just ew. I feel awful. I feel crushed and beaten. I feel like I'm drifting and lost and things inside are so chaotic I feel alone and scared. I keep creating myself problems- wanting to drop charges on someone, wanting to visit my brother in jail, wanting to quit bad habits but not doing so.

I've made this too long, but just to end on a better note, thanks to the folks (you know who you are) who support me on the forums and are awfully nice to me because I don't get how you all tolerate me ((( hugs )))

We don't tolerate you griffe, we like you.

Good luck for tomorrow!

((((((((((((vince))))))))) no advice right now.. guess wouldnt say anything new anyway if i tried.. always here for you if you want to talk though.. or want a penpall...

Blue

Griffe,

I know what that awful feeling of aloneness is like - it's a horrible place to be in. But remember you are not alone, you have everyone here on PC and even if we're only cyber friends, we're here to support you.

I too grew up thinking strong meant looking after myself, not asking for help, keeping everythign in, but that only left me really messed up with a drinking problem. Once I started to ask for and accept help my life got better. I started my journey towards getting better on a web board too, not psych central but an SI board, because it was a safe and annomous way to rant and get support. That got me used to the idea of getting support, so when my life finally fell apart completely I was able to ask for and get help. My life still isn't perfect, I'm still lonely a lot, but I'm sober and I know I have people I can call if I need to talk. I also use PC and my other board a lot too.

I know it's hard to reach out for help IRL, it's scary but to me asking for help is one of the bravest things a person can do. It is not a sign of weakness, it is believe it or not a sign of strength that you want to get help.

I hope it goes well with the Dr.

Hang in there.

--splitimage

(((((griffe)))))
I hope it goes well tomorrow. I know there's nothing we can say right now that will help, but hopefully just knowing we are here will make you feel a little better.

gentle and lots of support for tomorrow.

Good luck.

Mary Alice

I hope the doctors go well
I can't really help you with anything else, sorry.
I guess it's just a matter of time until you find your saftey and happiness is all, because it is there.

(((((((((((((( griffe ))))))))))))))
:Heart: :Heart:

Just a brief mention of alcohol at the end.



Thanks you guys. Nice to log on and see responses.

Sorry to be so negative and annoying today.

Sadly today was complete @#&%. Doctor did not go well Showed up very hung over, got scared in the waiting room, saw the doctor, bad news. Worst news I could get for my stupid eye. I feel awful.

IRL people try to help and ease the pain but they never really can. I won't bother Kate, I love her too much and I want to be strong for the both of us. Got other news today regarding someone and I can't tell anyone IRL and now I just feel terrible, keeping things inside hurts. After being used to being alone all the time you'd think it wouldn't bother me. I don't want to feel isolated. A lot of the time I wish I'd wake up in the morning and check my mailbox and just get a letter from a friend saying, "hey, how are you, let's talk" but that's probably really sad to want to crave something like that. I'm a loser.

Plus I don't really trust my friends to tell them bad stuff sometimes for fear of actions they'd take for "my best" because whenever people do that %^!@ happens.

Just bad today. Sorry to whine but I am. Because of the doctor and because of other stuff. I want to hide and fade away and sometimes I just wonder if it really matters.

At least today it's gonna seem like the one person that will be there for me and that will let me talk is a few bottles :boy(sad):

I'm sorry you got bad news from the doctor.

(((((((((((Griffe))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Griffe))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry that you got bad news from the Dr today. Know I am here.

BB