The worst I've ever been.....

Hi all,

For those of you that don't know me, I'm 24 and bipolar I. With psychotic features. Nothing like stumbling out of the gate, mmm?

Anyways, as so often happens in this disease, my depressions are as terrible as my manias, but depression is a much older visitor to my mental house, if you will, than mania. Much more insidious as well.

Due to a lot of stress triggers (I'd go into them, but it'd be like describing a 3 ring circus from Hell), I found myself back in another depression. I'm seeing a therapist, who is great, and a pdoc, who is also wonderful. Clearly my Paxil wasn't working, so she added Wellbutrin XL (150mg/day) and I'm slowly tapering off the Paxil. That was Friday.

Today was the most depressed, volatile and mind-numbingly sad I've been in a long time. Actually, ever. My depressions are mostly of the "meh, don't feel like it" variety which increases rapidly in intensity to the point where it feels like I live in a world of grey. Nothing's dark, but nothing's bright, either. This is the first time I've ever been so terribly sad, and I made my boyfriend stay with me a few extra hours because I couldn't face being alone. He's wonderful, really, because he's no stranger to depression himself. I feel better now, slightly, but it seems like an enternity until I can go to bed, but more specifically get up and go to work tomorrow where I keep busy enough to help bring me out of it at least this intense psychic pain if not the overlying fog.

I know I will get better. I have before. This is my 5th serious episode since I was 13, and I've always made it back, but....it's no consolation at all when you feel like this. I'm just so tired, so down and wondering when I'll get me back again - the one with the love for life and the courage to take on the world. Because right now, I can't even take on getting the trash out. Ugh.

Any words of wisdom/ways to help myself be more distracted/etc would be so greatly welcomed.

Thank you all, you are wonderful!

Love,
Anna

(((((((((((anna))))))))))))

I second ozzie's advice. Thinking of you ... ((((((((((((((((((((Anna))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((<font color="blue}anna[/color">))))))))) Sorry for your suffering. Yes... one day one hour at a time... one foot in front of the other... sleep if you must... allow time to pass... sigh.

Sweet, Sweet Anna, you are on the right path. I am going through something similar, so your strength is an inspiration to me. Keep it up