Struggling...

I really didn't think I would post anything on here because I wasn't sure how much it would help; I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 16 (I am now 30) so I am familiar with the ups and downs and there is really not a whole lot that anyone can say to make it better. After all, no one can take the hurt away, right?

My medicine usually keeps me pretty stable, except for this time of year when I have historically had issues with depression. Besides the overwhelming sadness, that ever-present weight that I just can't lift, I tend to have very low energy. I feel like I could sleep all the time, and, while I would love to go out and be active, to work out and have fun, I just don't have the desire or energy to do anything. I just started school again this year as well so I now work full-time and am taking 10 credits--I am truly exhausted.

There is the physiological effects of the depression, and that is bad enough to deal with. But I also have a lot going on personally that is exacerbating my sadness. My family is just... not around. Holidays have always been important to me--I love Thanksgiving and Christmas, and look forward to the season well in advance. But, for the last two years, I have just had nowhere to go for the holidays. This year will be the same and, already, the thought is unbearable. When I say that I have no friends, I guess that isn't exactly accurate. I mean, I have a few acquaintances and some old friends that live far away. But I have no one who is a close friend. Truly, I have no one to just call up to go for coffee, or to laugh with. I have no one to call when I feel sad. Or happy. My phone never, ever rings. Ever. In an emergency, I would be screwed--I have no one to call to help me if I needed it. And I have no one that wants my help. I desperately miss my old friends but, five years ago, when everyone started having babies, when they started to have their own lives, and when my depression started really taking me down (I have since learned to keep it in, to rally, to push forward even though I feel like giving up) I lost a lot of people. They just didn't want to deal with me I guess.

I can't even describe how lonely I am. It's so overwhelming, I can't believe that it doesn't swallow me up some days.

When--if--I graduate, I will be very successful. I will make a decent living, eventually. After paying off student loans. And yet, I will be completely alone. The thing I want, even more than my career, is to get married, to find the man who is my best friend and to have him join me on the journey. But it seems like, even though I am reasonably attractive, and reasonably intelligent, I am invisible to men. They just look right through me. Or, on the flipside, I end up being just a the sidekick--that's the way it always was in the past.

I feel completely irrelevant. I feel like I have no reason to be on this earth. I feel like, if I were gone tomorrow (and this is not a suicide threat) that no one would even care. And, if they did...well, where the hell are they now?

I don't know... this is a long post. I'm sure no one will read it. But I feel like hell, and I am just frozen with hurt, and I need to get this out. I am too busy to sit here and wallow in it; I have homework and things to get done, and yet, here I sit, crying, wishing I could just go out and blow off my homework with a friend. But... there isn't anyone. Just me.

I can't afford counseling right now and, even though my university offers free counseling well... I don't have a lot of time in my day to take advantage of it.

Thanks for reading.

I've been in that emotional place where you find yourself right now. When all hope disappears it's a cold dark place to be.

There are no magic words to lift your spirits yet I wanted you to know that someone read your heart and understands.

20 years ago I lived daily in that land without hope. Now I am glad to be alive. Waves of loneliness can still wash over me at times yet I appreciate the things in my life and find purpose in my faith and in encouraging others.

My circumstances didn't really change all that much, it was my attitudes and beliefs that changed. I'm still not married, still low income, still find it hard to let people in, and still have some wounds from childhood. Yet I choose my friends more carefully and stay away from unsafe people. I can set boundaries. I can accept myself, imperfections and all. Discovered I wasn't as damaged and different from others as I had believed.

My heart and thoughts go out to you today,
Judy

Hello, my brother-in-law is by-polar and he also is depressed fall and winter and manic spring and summer. I feel the same way as you. I am taking care of sick mom, and living in my bedroom. Some say just go out and do something, but it is very hard when you are just worn out. I have gone to the local libary and once in a while chet chat with some one. I did feel a lot better. I use to love the holidays too, but now I think they are just a commerical play. I like tofind some old wine-o who looks like heck and just walk up to him and say hello and give him 20 bucks or so. Almost every time, I see a tear in his eye. That makes me feel the Christian spirit of the season. Try it you might like it, just help someone and tell no one. It will put a smile on your face. I send you a hug and hang in there, Greg

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I've also been in a similar dark place. What really helped me was coming here to psychcentral and just letting it out. If you keep coming here, I think you'll find that you are no longer alone.

Sometimes people don't quite understand, but they still care. Sometimes people understand exactly. There is a lot of wisdom here.

You may be too depressed for this, but you may want to create new holiday traditions. Maybe there are people who can't go home for the holidays and want to share Thanksgiving with you. Another idea is to go to a place where they serve a meal to the poor and homeless and help serve.

The shorter days plus the disappointments of holidays and the ending of the year all conjoin to tear us apart. I made a calendar that doesn't stop at December. I made a circle of months to remind myself that there really isn't an end at the end of the year. January follows December. It's like being Columbus and finding out that we don't drop off the edge of the world, the world is round. The possibilities are endless.

Not only did I read your post, but so much of what you said mirrors my life, so please know that you are not alone. I know that may not help, but sometimes knowing that others are experiencing the same types of things help make a little more sense of things to a point.
I comend you for going back to school. I am almost 40 years old and have attempted that twice and failed. Most recently just a few weeks ago. I too wanted a degree and to actually do something with my life, but for me anyway, it just became too much. So I really hope you are able to reach your goals, I'm really rooting for you.
I also don't have a lot of friends outside of some co workers and maybe one old friend from high school, so I understand how you feel lonely and sad about that. One difference though is that I just recently remarried. Even though he should be my best friend, which he is relatively speaking, but there are just some things that a guy doesn't get and it would be nice to have a close girlfriend to chat with.
I understand fully how you feel so please don't feel like no one cares because I do as well as I'm sure others do that you're not even aware of. I know I don't have all the answers but anytime you need someone to talk to, I'll be here for you. I know this time of the year if very difficult for many people for many reason, it is for me too. Just talking to others sometimes help.
So please try to hang in there and know that you do matter!!

hi, i feel the same thing that you feel also...i am a single not married yet and i am in the dark side of my life. i feel that people dont lie me because maybe i am boring or unfriendly person. I also notice that at the young age i lose interest in makin friends and hanging with my friends. well maybe one thing good is your not alone, there a lot of people out there that have the same situation as yours so cheer up...

I read and I care. I totally relate to friends moving on because of being in different stages in life (babies and such). I wanted to let you know that marriage doesn't cure loneliness. I know really good marriages can offer really great companionship but they don't make everything better. In some cases--mine being one of them--marriage can make feelings of loneliness worse. There are some days I would kill to be single...really.