Self destructive behavior

What do you do when you just don't care?

I'm in such a pit and just digging it deeper... barely eating... neglecting coursework... thinking bad thought... I don't know...

You talk to someone and ask for help (((((((((((((((tao)))))))))))))
There's no easy answer.... I know that you know that neglecting your coursework is going to make it harder for you and more depressed in the long run. Same with eating... I know you know that you NEED to eat, but you 'just can't'... right? I know what it's like.
Unfortunately I've got no solid advice apart from talking to your T (and possibly your tutors) about it. They are likely to give you more advice and support.
Take care Tao... let us know how you're getting on,
Molly

First off, I'd suggest talking to someone about how you are feeling.

I've been told to take each day an hour at a time. Set goals for that hour and not worry about the other hours until you get to them.
For example, for one hour set the goal of getting through some coursework, the n the next hour doing more coursework, or eating etc.
As for the bad thoughts, I think keeping yourself occupied can help with that.

Hope this helps

Talking to someone is so important. Not only does it help you feel supported and understood but they can help you explore ways to help you feel better and be more productive in your coursework.

BB

when we feel unhealthy about ourselves and choose unhealthy thoughts, then act upon those unhealthy thoughts, even if we ourselves do not care, there is a cost to others in our area.. that cost comes in a wide number of forms, anywhere from treatment and resources, to emergency services and societal efforts at replacing one of our others into a better frame of health for all... we care...

sending good hopes that you find some personal cares that will guide you back to a path of productive contributions soon...

everyone is important, you too

I don't have a T, I can't get a quality one because I have no insurance.

I don't know who I'd talk with... thinking is so hard to figure out what to say... and I'm afraid of ending up back in the hospital... and it's too much to deal with...

I "distract" myself with my "Rutabaga" plan :-) The word "rutabaga" always makes me grin, it's so ridiculous-sounding a word. But I decide if I don't "care" I might as well do all the things I really really haven't wanted to do? I might as well clean bathrooms, study subjects I don't like, etc. I mean, if you don't care, then you don't care so you might as well get those things out of the way when they'll be least painful? LOL. Usually I can "find" something else I would rather do that will distract me from my "normal" for a bit and maybe change things enough so they're not actually so bad.

Don't you have a counselling center at school? They're free. Check around.

Tao, you gotten some good advice and reassurances that you are a worthwhile human being and you have people who care about you.
I sincerely hope you are able to follow through with some of these things. Since you've no T to talk to, is there anyone IRL that you trust enough to share your feelings? What about one of the anonymous help lines?

Just my 2 cents worth, but I have found the following to be helpful to me...
Have you a safety net in place for these hard times? Are you able to generally spot when these feelings start creeping up on you?
You can design your own safety net, obviously, but here are some of the things that help me...
A. I have a couple of people that I trust to call me on my behavior. When they see me acting in the old way, they will confront me in a heartbeat. Nine times out of ten it does make me look at what is happening in my life that needs changing.
B. Sleep. When I'm sleep deprived, nothing--and I mean nothing--makes me feel decent but it will make me feel hopeless. I do my best to get adequate sleep even if it's power naps during the day.
C. Nutrition. If I cannot force myself to eat solid food, there are liquid supplements that will maintain your glucose level and most have some protein added also. Low blood sugar can be a very big reason for inertia, whether physically as in doing work or emotionally as in giving a damn about anything.
D. Relaxation. It doesn't have to be fancy; something that is yours alone that gives you some relief. Perhaps not joy-jumping relief, but enough to get through another hour.

Sound childish? Perhaps. Sometimes it's also the simple things that give us the gifts.
An hour at a time was too hard for me many times...I had to cut it down into ten minute increments. I was able to ride it out...

I do want to commend you on your honesty, Tao. You realize it's self destructive behaviors and you want to change them. That alone is a very big step...

Please talk to someone. Don't stuff your feelings...doing so tends to make them seem too hard to handle, and it also empowers you when you shed light on them.

My best wishes that you feel better soon,
Cap

There is a counseling center... but I'm kinda afraid to go there... my memory is pretty pathetic, but I think when I went to the counseling center at another college when I was suicidal last time it may have complicated my enrollment status... it's just so unclear though, between it being pre-ECT and the fact I OD'd on campus, where I was living at the time. And it was a Christian U. instead of a state one...

I think I'll look into some kinda nutrition drink. But making a net doesn't work too well with me... I fall quick and hard, straight to death thoughts, no inbetween. And I'm really disconnected from people... that's one of my biggest problems...

Thank you for your honesty, Tao!

Time for creativity then...
Finding someone you can talk to is so very important...whether IRL or online. Since you feel disconnected from folks for now, perhaps someone you trust here would be willing to mentor you. It wouldn't have to be a life-time commitment, but you would have to gift yourself with this person who will stand by you.
I know it's hard! But there is no reason for you to go it alone...
Trust issues issues are among the toughest to resolve, but they can be resolved...baby steps if necessary are just fine.

My memory is non existent! Complete understanding there
Counseling at school. Let go of what happened at the other place. Here the counseling department is very, very good. You are assigned a counselor, but if you don't feel compatible with them then you can request another one.
Without breaking confidentiality, they can arrange different things to help you. Obviously your name is used but no reasons are given...
I was able to work out a better schedule where I wasn't overwhelmed, arrangements were made for me to tape my classes because I got lost at times--the tapes allowed me to listen over and over until I got the core lesson. That in turn boosted my confidence a bit so tests, etc. were not bombs that blew up in my face.
Ah the tests...again, arrangements were made that I got just a bit longer to complete them...there were some that I was able to take orally. Not one professor balked, made me feel stupid, or acted as though I were any different--there were students with physical disabilities that got the same help. Because mine were not visible at the time, it was probably accepted that it was a necessity for whatever reason.

Did I feel weird? For about an hour--my counselor was super! Initially I did feel awkward about the accommodations. She was very straight forward in telling me that my "condition" didn't make me a freak; it just meant that I was also entitled to help.

Small things that felt Very Big were cut down to a manageable size.

The nutritional drink--please compare the labels. Some of them are pure crap--more sugar than a dozen donuts.
Please don't rely on them as your only source of nourishment. If you get hungry, no matter what it is, eat...it helps to break the cycle of nothing sounds good so we don't eat.

All of the above is sharing what worked for me. Pull out what you think will work for you...if it feels like nothing will, please look again. Sometimes we need a second look at what is doable.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do...I sincerely mean it. One thing--I don't bite but I don't take any BS and I don't get drawn into drama. I'm honest but try and share anything with respect and support.

Cap