[Broken65]

Hi to all,
I’m to this board I’m not even sure where to post as I seem to fit in several areas.
I will give a brief history I was sexually abused as child by my stepfather from age 8-10 this is a person who I knew to be one of the many fathers and strangers in my life. My memories of my mom are very painful I will try to get this out without tears it is hard to admit. When I told my mom she blamed me and he fled to another state long story short I have lived with this feeling of guilt my mom and I had never discussed this it is if it never happened I felt as though she was not strong enough to handle it so I kept it to myself through the past couple of years I have found myself feeling guilty for having a great husband and a great life something I feel I took from my mom. She would always talk about how much she loved this person and he was the only one I would listen in silence. One day my mom made the mistake of telling my husband about how much she loved this guy and he had told her how I felt that she would not be able to handle me talking to her and to never bring his name up again to him or me. Torn between thinking wow my husband is protecting me to wow what must she be feeling. Well I chose not to not talk with her about this issue I would rather keep the pain then pass it. I’m very sad to say that my mom passed away 1 year ago I was once again torn with guilt of relief and the true sadness of loosing my mom I then became angry that she has still won I still carry the pain of her loss and my abuse.

My husband is convinced this has affected my life I don’t see it. When I fall I pick myself up I have always thought of myself as a strong person I needed nobody when really I did. My grandfather bless his loving giving heart passed away in the same month as my mom wow. My mom became very ill and I took her into my home and nursed her while working full time and taking care of my husband in spite of what my husband thought of her as a person I still loved my mother. She chose to go home to my dismay I knew should would die because nobody would take care and watch her the way I did this was a very painful decision for me it was almost like letting go. 2 weeks after going home she passed again I’m torn with letting her go blaming myself dam her for winning again. So at this point I have pretty much gone through many life changes during the pass of my mom and grandfather I lost a job I had been at for ten years. I’m currently in treatment with a Psychiatrists every 2 weeks trying to figure out this mess I feel I have created. I started a new job 2 years ago that is very stressful I think this is what broke me. I thought I could handle the pain of the world I see I can’t but I’m still trying.
Due to this stress I have been recently diagnosed with psoriasis I’m not sure if anyone is familiar with this but it has taken a great toll on me emotionally and physically I finally admit I am broken I just don’t know why? Thank you for allowing me to share

[turquoisesea]

Welcome to the boards. I dunno what psoriasis is, but I'm sure someone on the boards will recognize it.

Ihope coming here will help. I'm sorry about your mom - what's shes done to you, everything. Don't blame yourself for what happened - you didn't ask for any of it. I don't think you need to take blame for it - it just happened.

It sounds like you're having a rough time right now... keep going, you've made it through so much aready loads of hugs and keep posting

[nightbird]

See a dermatologist for your psoriasis, there are lots of different schedules of treatment for this disease of the skin.

Stress has alot to do with it but it is able to be handled. Don't suffer with it unnecessarily.

Your mother and that man she married... that individual ruined your childhood. Your mother was in some kind of denial as she never would have discussed him with your husband if she was in her right mind.

No matter what happened, the bottom line is this... you do not have to allow your mothers inaction, or lack of things she did afterwards, or whether she used words or had intentions, to decide the rest of your life.

Do not let this illness of attachment to a pedophile finish the job on you the rest of your life.

Listen, your mother did not win any medals in her life for overcoming a test or defeating an illness.

You still can. You do not have to remain a victim, or feel sorry, a past, thru guilt because your mother couldn't become repulsed by a pedophile. Period.

She doesn't get to rent space in your brain one single day more. Nor your husbands.
She was your mother, and for that, you love her.
Other than that...nothing. You do not owe her any more thoughts regarding her husband or her twisted lovelife.

That's my thoughts.

Peace to you.

With Support and Good Will,
night

:hug

[cajun]

Hello and welcome to PC,
I also considered myself a strong person, but I finally realized that I needed help. I fell to rock bottom before I gave in, so my climb back up has been a long one. I'm truly sorry for what happened to you. I hope you give in as I did and seek some help. I'm afraid that your past is effecting you worse than you realize. Repressing your feelings may be a short term solution but it isn't a long term one. My advice to you is to seek some help. What can it hurt? I can assure you that what happened when you were a child was not your fault. God Bless You and I hope you find peace. Lots of helpful people on this website who have been right where you are. You may want to check out the Survivors of Abuse forum.
Best Wishes, Cajun

[Broken65]

Thank you for the replies and kind words and thoughts. I'm currently seeing a psychiatrists he has me currently on 300 mg of Zoloft and 1 mg xanax 4 times a day and ambien cr at night as needed. I have been doing my best to be honest to him and myself about all the things I'm dealing with so far so good. It is nice to be able to share with everyone and to be able to get such nice feedback I appreciate all of you and look forward to talking more and geting to know you.

[Capp]

Broken, hello and welcome!

There's been direct and honest replies to your post. You may not want to hear them right now, but they are what you need to hear--actually, I think you have already thought about some of them, but denial numbs the hurt for awhile.

Night is right about not letting them live in your head rent free.
You owe them nothing, nothing.
You do owe yourself peace of mind, hope, and self love. i sincerely hope, along with the hard work you are willing to do, that your psychiatrist will be of great help to you.
The key word is "help." He can guide you, advise you, stand by you...
but you have to be willing to listen, learn, and let go.

Cap
also a survivor of childhood trauma