[Co(ping)Dependent]

hey guys...
I know i have not really introduced myself properly and i hate to just jump in and starting raving, but if i don't my head will explode.

things with my husband have been very tense and stressfull for the last couple of months. My depression is wearing on him and i'm scared he's at a breaking point. I have been working only part time for almost a year now after having to leave my last job back in Jan. I know he's feeling the financial strain since i had been the higher earner and my loss of income has really been a burden. But he won't talk about it. He has a crappy job, that he hates and he seems to be getting angrier and angrier. whenever I try to talk to him he just says, don't worry, just get better. he acts like if we can just fix me, then everything will be alright. now my husband is a good man. we've been together 10 years. he also suffers from a chronic illness that for many years kept him from working full time, but he's in remission right now and i'm so grateful for that. But lately all he ever says to me is what's wrong now. sometimes before saying goodmorning or hello it's just what's wrong. and 9 times out of ten . there's nothing wrong at that moment.
so anyway as he's leaving for work today he asked me what's wrong and I say nothing(honest i was fine) and i ask him if he's ok and he just snapped and said you know what's wrong with me, you're smothering me. he's never said anything like that before and i'm so pissed and so ashamed and i feel so guilty all at the same time.
i don't know what to do

[DOWNINNATICK]

Hi coping;
I don't know what to say to make things better, but he is trying his best and he doesn't understand what you're going through. He maybe feeling the stress of the loss of money coming in, but doesn't want to upset you, so he tries to keep it inside, but every so often he snaps.

Have you thought about seeing a counselor with both of you attending, that way you both can talk about things and there would be a buffer there if needed? A pdoc has a way to make people talk sometimes, so that maybe what you both need. He maybe going through some depression himself and it's just coming to a point now.

I hope things get better with both of you, it can be hard.

Cindy

[turquoisesea]

I agree with DOWNINNATICK

Also, it sounds like he's trying to be really strong for you. Maybe you should approach the subject and you two should talk about how he's handling things and what to do about it. If you've been together 10 years, that means something to me. I really hope you two can figure it out.

[TheDeliciousDish]

Speaking as someone on his side of a relationship...

I think he's just always concerned for your general health and happiness. If when he asks you what's wrong, you say "nothing", and turn around and ask him the same thing, he could very well take that as a sign that you're trying to avoid the question and turn it back around on him. That may or may not be the case, I don't know. I do know depression can cause people to clam up and keep things in sometimes, which may be why he always asks what's wrong. Again, I don't know if that's you or not, but just that it's fairly common with depression.

I agree with turquoise, he is trying to be strong for you and do what he can. Your concerns about him and his job probably upset him, because he's more worried about health and happiness than he is about money.

"...But he won't talk about it. He has a crappy job, that he hates and he seems to be getting angrier and angrier. whenever I try to talk to him he just says, don't worry, just get better."
^This tells me exactly that... that he is extremely worried about you and just wants you to be happy, rather than worry about his job. Also, when jobs are stressful, sometimes talking about it really doesn't help. My mother used to come home and complain about her job daily, and it drove me round the bend. Where I'm going here, is that when he comes home from work, he may well just want to forget about it and cherish his time with you, which is much more enjoyable when you're feeling well

I hope this helps you out some. If he truly loves you like I get the feeling he does (as turquoise said, 10 years does say something), then his primary concern is YOU, not money. If you want to talk about it more, feel free to PM me. I'm sure we both could learn a lot more by talking about it

Good luck, and take care!

~TheDeliciousDish

[Capp]

Co-Dep, hi...
well, I'm a wee bit on the other side of the fence
but let me make it clear that this is JME, ok? in no way am I saying that it's true for you, but it may give you something to think about...

my marital situation was somewhat like yours before we went to counseling and basically started a new relationship once we "cleared the air."

my SO tried to be understanding when i medically retired, but in reality he was pissed at the life style changes. he now readily admits it...I was also the high earner and it enabled us to enjoy life...not on a grand scale but we were comfortable.
at the same time, I was flooded with guilt because I took care of myself but it inconvenienced him.
he also has his own health problems and had grown used to my taking care of him first...a heavy burden for sure.

you may actually be "smothering" him because you do feel guilty and have not come to terms with what made these changes necessary. by repeatedly questioning him, perhaps you are looking for understanding and support fro him.
please don't be too quick to take all the blame...

if you can, seek counseling. if you've no private insurance for it, check with community services for their own therapists who use a sliding scale of the fees...many will waive fees if there is great hardship.

you have the power to make things better, but it is your choice to take that first step.

Cap

Again, the above is JME