[lifelesstraveled]

So I've been sitting here thinking and I don't know if it's the depression talking or what, but I feel like there are huge chunks of me missing. I just can't connect. I feel completely disconnected from myself and the world. I am terrified I will be like this for the rest of my life. Not being able to connect to anything. My stomach is turning and Im petrified. I don't want to end up alone for the rest of my life. I feel like I have been like this for my entire life, but didn't realize it until I graduated from college and was thrown in to the rough waters of real life. I am now realizing my parents didn't teach me how to swim. I didn't learn anything from them and it's all hitting me like a ton of bricks and the thought of it is completely disconcerting. What if medication doesn't work? Then I will be back at square one.

Sometimes I think something is innately wrong with me. And sometimes I like to think I was born with a bright light inside of me. It's a gift every single child is born with, despite whether or not the child is born 100% healthy or with some sort of challenge. I think that every child comes into this world with completely untainted minds, hearts souls/spirits that allow them to be completely happy, carefree, trusting, dependent, loving (wanting it and wanting to give it back) etc. Somewhere if things don't go right around the child...that gift gets lost, especially if no one is paying attention...If I ever had that gift, I don't know if I will ever get it back--i think i lost it YEARS ago and just realized it was missing... and if i never had it, I will probably never get it and I don't think any amount of therapy will help me find it....so what's the point??

I don't know if this made any sense...sorry.
I think I am working myself into a panic attack...so I think I am going to end this here and go meditate/journal/draw....

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((( lifelesstraveled )))))))))))))))))))

I know the feeling you are explaining very well. I really believe that with the right combo of meds and therapy then things can get better. If they don't well then at least you tried, "what's the point?" well my answer to that is you are the point. You deserve a happy life.

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

So I've been sitting here thinking and I don't know if it's the depression talking or what, but I feel like there are huge chunks of me missing.

I don't know if this made any sense...sorry.
I think I am working myself into a panic attack...so I think I am going to end this here and go meditate/journal/draw....

What you are saying makes perfect sense and I think writing in your journal or drawing will help you release your sadness/emptiness in a positive way.

I often felt like I had a piece of me is missing when I had unresolved wounds left in me from the past... are you in counseling?

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

What you are saying makes perfect sense and I think writing in your journal or drawing will help you release your sadness/emptiness in a positive way.

I often felt like I had a piece of me is missing when I had unresolved wounds left in me from the past... are you in counseling?

Yes, I am seeing a T right now. I just started last month and haven't brought any of this up yet. I keep telling myself that I don't want to go back, but every week I go back. Part of me thinks it's not going to help me get those missing pieces back, but another part of me does not want to keep living like this, so I guess thats why I keep going back...I want to and need to get out of this role I have been playing for soooo long. I feel like I am carrying a child inside of me that I just can't shake...

Now I just have to talk myself into taking medication. I am terrified of taking meds 1. I have body image issues and I am afraid of the side effects 2. What if the meds don't work, then what? I have probably been like this most of my life what if it takes another 20 years to get better? what if i never get better (that's my anxiety talking...I am learning to recognize that now)?... And I don't know how to explain this to my T. Im not used to speaking up and asking for what I need or asking for help. I like to do things for myself....

sigh...I feel like im complaining or whining...
sorry ( i tend to apologize a lot...sorry...I don't know why I do it)

Now that everyone is sleep, I am going to go meditate...i need to clear my mind and relax for work. thank goodness it's a short week.

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

And sometimes I like to think I was born with a bright light inside of me. It's a gift every single child is born with, despite whether or not the child is born 100% healthy or with some sort of challenge. I think that every child comes into this world with completely untainted minds, hearts souls/spirits that allow them to be completely happy, carefree, trusting, dependent, loving (wanting it and wanting to give it back) etc. Somewhere if things don't go right around the child...that gift gets lost, especially if no one is paying attention...

TRUE!

[Sannah]

Life, this is how I see it..... We are born knowing nothing and must learn everything from our environment. If we don't learn this stuff when we are young it does make life more difficult. Who said that you can't learn this stuff at any time? This is what I did. I've been learning, and learning and learning and I feel better after each thing that I learn. You are on the right path, keep going!......

Meds are for when you cannot cope anymore. Meds don't fix anything. Therapy is what fixes..........

[Capp]

Life, grieve over the loss of this gift...
Then you can start on giving yourself the gift of hope and peace.
You are showing a lot of insight and I admire it.

As far as your therapist, please share with her/him. If need be, print out what you have written here. At one point in my therapy, writing to him was the only way I could communicate my feelings.
He was accepting of this, and I did make progress.
Perhaps mentioning something like it to your therapist may open other options.