this isnt it

this isnt really going to help me, is it?
such a short "honeymoon," such a short time of hope. (maybe i'll find someone here that can understand or help me.)
i cast out my line time and time again. time and time again it comes back empty. i need help maybe i dont need it but i desire it. is it wrong to desire? let not your heart want. . . and always it comes back empty

i'm not ending my life
im not starting my life
perhaps i should just leave everyone alone.
i'm all alone. no sounding board.

my husband came in the door and not long after the grimaces and sighs began. "did you do anything today?" my heart begins to ache imagining what he thinks of me. he grabs a beer and he's out the backdoor.
he cant stand to spend three minutes with me. he just got in the door. and now the dance begins - what will tonite be like?
full of remorse, doubt and self-pity i rouse myself from in front of the blackened computer screen (i was just sitting here waiting - for what? for him to walk in the door?) and walk to the kitchen to finish the dishes.
i started the dishes . . .a day ago? the day before that? i sob a little out loud, startling myself. but what does it matter if i cry, what does it matter if i make a sound, any sound at all - theres no one here to know or care.
he's outside checking on the back property - he cant hear me. if he did would he even care? i open my mouth wide, wider than necessary to strangle out the choking sounds threatening to escape. i cry to myself and load the dishwasher.
he comes in and walks right by me - he doesnt see me cry. i dont think he cares, dont know if he knows. he's just glad that his disapproval drew me out of my stupor and into the kitchen. i'm on auto-pilot. i start dinner and he takes his beer to the couch to start his nightly routine of those stupid forensic shows. he sighs more contentedly. i know its because stupid dinner is underway and the dishes are washing and thats all he cares about. sighs of contentment that his wife is off the couch and completing her wifely duties. i dont make a sound now for fear that i would let out a cry again or be unable to explain myself or be met with silence on his part. i dont want to know. i dont know whats wrong with me anyway and i rarely ever cry. dinner is over, this letter is over and bed . . .i guess i should just go.

it was this time last year or perhaps a little earlier when the thoughts came. and the train whistle started to haunt me. only a block away. it would be over so soon. what would my parents do? my husband? i dont want to die. i dont know what to do.
last year i went into the hospital. i slept and slept for about a month there. they put me on meds. i left and things got better and the train did not bother me anymore.
now its winter again. the train wants to call? or do i want it to call me?
i have thoughts i dont know what to do with and im a million miles away. he doesnt care. its not his responsibility. its no one's but mine. im at a loss and its going to be another long night, i fear. please, sleep just come and lend me temporary relief.

i wish there were some answer. im almost afraid to hope. i should just reach out and get it - find it myself. grab the brass ring or whatever they say.
someone help me.
no one can help me.
i have to help myself. but how? what actually helps?
im ashamed of what my life has become.
and no one's coming to save me. and no one knows how to save me.
and i dont know how to save myself. its not fair. it is cruel. and its preventable. always is. its a waste. if i had strength i could lend it to others, be of use. but i am weak, it seems - and life is unnecessary.
unnecessary in life = unnecessary death? necessary death?

cant think about it anymore. thought i'd get drunk and forget about it - now i just dont care enough to try. got to go face the long night. hurry sleep, please come.

(((((((((((((( clara )))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry that you are having a hard time.
Are you in therapy? I find a combo of therapy and meds very helpful for my depression and other issues. I don't know if your husband would be willing to take part in some sort of therapy with you so he could understand what you are going through and maybe that would change his perspective on the issues. Please keep trying there is hope, things can get better.

I hope you feel better soon...
Cap

welcome to pc, clara ! i'm glad you found us and hope we can help. you mentioned you got help before and felt better. are you still taking meds or therapy? depression can make us feel like we're in a deep black hole with no escape. it can blind us to having any hope. when i felt so down i was unable to truly help myself get back out of that hole. it took others skilled in the field to bring me back to some sort of normal feeling. if you aren't getting help right now you might want to try to call a crisis hotline or call whomever helped you in the past. you deserve to feel better and i have hope that you will get help to improve how you feel. meanwhile post whenever you feel the need. there are a lot of kind caring people here to support you.

thank you all for responding
gimmiece, caps, madisgram.

i went into the psych hospital last year bc i was very low. they diagnosed me with major depression if i remember correctly and put me on so, so many meds. i was pretty medicated most of the time. i did not enjoy the "group therapy" sessions (when they actually bothered to have them) this was not a luxury, private facility. it was basically a short-term crisis intervention center. average stay is 7-14 days. i stayed over a month. finally that kicked me out, ha! what i am very grateful to them for is the connection to the psychiatrist, the medication. i feel i really needed the medication. originally it took me 8 months to get in for my initial 1hour visit with the psychiatrist after the hospital. (dr kept canceling on me). where i live there is a real shortage of psychiatrists and the handful of dr's that are here all work through this one hospital. but it has smoothed out a little and i have seen him since then. i think maybe even twice? i'll see him for 15 min every few months or so. next appt at the end of jan.

i did get a therapist that was a true psychologist after the hospital. i have seen therapists before. usually counselors, not that that is bad. im not very good at therapy and i have a hard time feeling validated about the whole ordeal. nothing ever comes of it - i dont know what to say to them. its so hard face-to-face. i get self-conscious and i dont say - like i wouldnt say the things ive written in here. anyway, it didnt work out. it culminated in a conflict. she and i expected different things out of the therapy, i think. she raised her voice with me - more or less yelled at me as if i was a child (i was sitting and speaking,not yelling) she was standing and obviously angry. i asked for a recommendation to another therapist right then and there.

sometimes i have regretted that decision and there are 2 sides to every story. but i cant go back to her. im sure she wouldnt take me,seriously. and i dont need the rejection. im not sure its even a good idea since i was not comfortable with her. and this was after months upon months of weekly therapy.

anyway i was pretty well burned out on the idea of counseling there for a while. that therapy ended beginning of october. but winter is not so good for me (not that im really functional any time). think its time to swallow my pride and pick someone from the list she finally mailed me about 3 weeks ago.

Hi Clara
I'm sorry you went through a lot of pain and misunderstanding.
Going back to counseling is the right thing to do - pick yourself a tactful, caring therapist and let them be your guardian angel. I know you can do it - because all strong people can.. and because you deserve it!
I wish that you feel better soon, sending you warmth and hugs

(((((((((((((((((((clara))))))))))))))))))))) I am glad you are reaching out to get some support that you need. You so deserve to feel well; I am sorry that you are having to go through this. Know I am here and I understand. Welcome to PC.

BB