Sorrow and Despair

changed my mind so I deleted

KISS.....

With Care,

Lenny

i read your blog entries for up to/about 2 weeks back. i hope i am interpreting correctly what you are saying. do you have to put on the masks each/most day(s)? for me, that would be so exhausting physically and mentally. if you feel this is necessary, what are you trying to not express? you asked if our actions are "just attempts at disguising our ongoing weariness". if you do feel this heaviness of spirit i am sorry that you are feeling this way about yourself. we always seem to be so much harder on ourselves than others seem to be.
sometimes when i'm feeling down i give myself permission to take a "mental health day". i don't do anything i don't want to do for the whole day. i've even done this for up to a 4 day period.(!!) the way i manage that is, i make an agreement with self that by day # i will reemerge back in the main frame of living. meanwhile i give myself permission to indulge in soothing my spirit. i have learned how to not feel guilty about being a bum for whatever time i've allowed myself. that was difficult at first because i demanded so much of myself, felt how ridiculous it was that i couldn't just be "strong", etc. so it required practice on my part to just let things go for a while. the benefits of this exercise allowed the guilt to melt away.
i don't know if you have tried something like this but it seems to me that perhaps some of your "weariness" might dissapate if you allowed yourself time to take off your mask. just food for thought, IMHO.
thanks for feeling safe enough to express how you are feeling. when i do that it helps me a lot to just let the steam out of my pressure cooker and dispurses those negative powers runminating in my mind.
know that you can start your day over whenever you like!

Sorrow and Despair.... Says it all really.

Hugs to you (((((((((((( Capp )))))))))))))

(((Capp)))

((((((((((((((( capp )))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((( capp )))))))))))))))))

((capp))) hope things improve
your title does say how you are feeling

((((((((((((((((capp)))))))))))))))))))

BB

Hugs Capp:

Please don't change your mind when posting, if you need to air things out or just need to talk to someone, post and get it out off you head and put it in writing so that maybe some of the pain you're feeling will leave you.

HUGS hugs hugs
Cindy

With all my heart, I thank each one of you

Honestly? Sometimes I hesitate about sharing because I know that these feelings will pass...just not as quickly as I want...so true of most of us probably

The masks...
The past couple of years have been character-builders
aka crappy in many ways.
I've become very comfortable at hiding many things. It started with the abuse, through the war, then detox, and the years that followed...
Perhaps many of us do much the same thing--we don't want others to see our pain/loneliness/weariness.

My battles with the cancer were obviously hard on the body, but spiritually I became the comforter of my loved ones...family and friends. I reassured them; not the other way around.
I must take responsibility for my part in this. I've always been aggressive about health care/patient advocate. This gives me knowledge but not necessarily courage.
Although retired, I've kept up with credentials and my license is current. Great for times I needed money and could manage working. Questionable when it comes to knowing the details of treatment protocol and prognosis.
Folks assume that this is going to magically offer a cure.
It does not. Sometimes it generates fear and sorrow.

The third time around we made the decision to stop the chemo. It was making me sicker...I believe it was long enough to hold things at bay. We--my health care team and myself--did what we could to build up my immune system. It was necessary for me to have surgery on my spine or go back into the wheelchair and endure more pain.

All of this took a great deal of "my life' away from me.
Things that helped define who I am were gone...peace activist, court advocate for domestic violence survivors, volunteer with a local shelter working with the homeless--this one was my special baby. When I was drinking/doping, I was homeless and an itch with a capital B. I still had my sidearm and was not afraid to use it, which I did, if I was being threatened in any way. My only killing was the attack in Nam...but I imagine that sidearm scared the life out of a few folks.
Behind the mask of the ***** was a very sad and lonely woman.

Spiritually I do get drained and I know other survivors do the same thing. I try all the things in my safety net and I'm usually successful.
Sometimes like these past few months, none of them work.
It's all right though. I can retreat into my sanctuary and weep and eat popcorn, read sexy books, play Joplin and remember my bike riding days, down 11 root beers, stay up til 4am then sleep til 4pm...
Not my usual ladylike ways of handling life, but it works for me.

Before I deleted my message, I felt safe enough to share...then my damn ego kicked in and I deleted it.
It's much easier for me to share about the past but I'm a bit about the present...for some reason, I think at my age I should be "over" everything and be a sub for Mother Teresa.

So now I feel a wee bit bruised but better.
I'm going to the grocery store and bug the heck out of the manager
He has graciously started helping me shop since I knocked over a display with one of my animals, aka crutches, while searching for the perfect orange. Hey, they shouldn't have piled them so high, right?
He's bald with ramrod straight posture and Sexy, Sexy. He thinks I'm a crazy old broad...

With gratitude and love,
Cap

You are amazing ((((((((((((( Capp ))))))))))))

((Cap))))))) you are brave sending caring thoughts, that had to have been hard to get out so coherently, i know i am challenged to write with as much sincerity as you express.. i pray hope never leaves your side again...

((((((((((((((((( Capp ))))))))))))))))

capp , thank you for this post and the honesty about all you have experienced that have been challenges. i had read your original posting before you deleted it. this recent posting took so much courage on your part to bare your soul about all you have gone through. it explains the parts left unsaid in the original post.
i responded to this recent post and the internet bumped me off along with my response. what i was saying is that when i joined this forum i admired you so much for your love and support to others and the wisdom you shared. after reading this recent post i admire and respect you even more. you are a truly amazing lady. an inspiration to us all. thank you for sharing your inner pain and challenges more thoroughly. your recent post, believe it or not, gives one hope!!!

Self honesty understood and shared if chosen is the Excalibar to the dragon of ego. It is known by the many dragon slayers in these halls of discovery capp...

Beathing fire is a most terrible display of totem but only hurts those who think similarly and stand in the way,,waiting for their chance to exhale..

One of the greatest gifts of this wonderfull community is the stories of slain dragons and the wisdom passed in such remarkable humilty..

You are priceless to all who have ever known you capp..and a dream to those who have not...

Thank you.

Lenny

Listen y'all...so many thanks
but I am a crazy old broad in real life

I deeply appreciate every word of support and encouragement you so freely give me. As beautiful to me is your acceptance of me just as I am...
Please know that I care about y'all too. To be there for you when you need someone to stand quietly with you when you feel badly--my intent is to be there with you. Especially, especially when you don't know that you need anyone...
I've got your back.

It's true that we can share things here that we can't or won't IRL. For many reasons, of course.
I'm ever so grateful we do it here! It's safe in a way that is unmatched in our daily lives, I think.


The shopping was a hoot. It always is with The Sexy One...that man has a rear end that would make a Chippendale jealous (not that I've seen it naked...).
I do believe I have uncovered his ulterior motive. I spend more. Drama queen sigh...I should have known there was more to it than protecting his oranges.
Aw, it's all right--he's worth every penny/nickel...dollar I spend there.

I shared once that my spiritual path has a belief that when you are kind to someone, it returns to you tenfold. There is much goodness that is coming your way for being so kind to this woman. Sometimes it comes in little unexpected ways, but it does come to you...

Oh for the words to express my gratitude!
Cap

So is half my family, but they're darn good crazy old broads and worth knowing. I can tell by those who know you that you are worth every second they spend caring about you.

Stay crazy. It makes life interesting.

Oh Tumnus! How gentle you are with your encouragement...thank you.

Oregon. How I loved living there on the coastline in a little blue house.

I waited a long time to be a crazy old broad and I'm going to enjoy every moment of it

Cap

Oh yeah, right!

I bet you're really a drop dead gorgeous brunette with an awesome figure who runs 50 miles a week!

notz


Trials, temptations, disappointments -- all these are helps instead of hindrances, if one uses them rightly. They not only test the fibre of a character, but strengthen it. Every conquered temptation represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before.
- James Buckham

In the dark ages, I was blond and skinny and weird
now I'm...well not blond or skinny
but I'm still weird

And funny!