[needhelpckr]

I'm in the worst low of my life atleast that is how I feel. Actually I believe I have been depressed for 22 years but learned to supress my emotions as a child. My mother passed away of breast cancer when I was nine years old. She battled cancer for three years which I remember being very confusing. My father on the other hand never shows any emotions and does not communicate well. So after my mother's death there was no discussing the matter. Several months later my father remarried because his engineering job was his life over parentling. Only the person he married was not a very loving person. She likes to think she was a replacement mother but she was not. And the thought of ever discussing my mother's death was unheard of. I was always led to believe to suppress my emotions. Of course my step brother lived with us and was a spoiled brat and could do whatever he liked. Me on the other hand lived by a different set of rules.

By the time I got to high school I rebeled against anything my father wanted me to do. I rebelled by joining the Marine Corps instead of going to college. I developed angry habits while in High School. Now you would never know that I was angry unless you really upset me.

As an adult I refused help from anyone and have decided to build my success on my own. This has been by living life by working hard and play hard. Since I was socially limited in High School, meaning my father would not let me attend any social events or date girls, I had period of time where I was involved in bad dating relationships. Since I had trouble dealing with these situations I would get down on myself. Not having a mother figure to talk about these situations I made my own decisions which led to horrible arguments. I have had sexual relations with many women which I'm not proud of today. I feel this is a result of being depressed and angered. I have visited a doctor but was diagnosed as ADD. I took concerta for a couple of years but realized that I'm not ADD but have a bigger issue. The ADD meds sort of helped since I was able to get things done throughout the day but did not fix the internal problem. So I quit taking the meds.

On top of everything, I am recently divorced with two young children. It kills me not being around my children as I love them very much. I had an affair which I know is bad and don't need to be reminded. But feel that I should never have gotten married before I had my issues fixed. As I've mentioned, I learned at an early age to suppress my feelings. Since my mother's death I couldn't tell you the last time I cried. Sometimes I feel like crying but can't. It's really really sad. I do now I hurt deep inside because of things that have happend in my life and the self destruction I've caused.

I saw a counsler after the divorce for several weeks but that became expensinve. I'm not one to jump on medications but starting to wonder if I need to let go and try some type of depression medication. I guess for the last 22 years I've lied to myself and others that I'm not depressed. Everyday I lie by showing people that I appear to be doing well in life by smiling and socializing. It's all fake though. I've had thoughts that people and situations would be better off if I didn't exist. Right now I'm the least productive I've ever been at work. Since I work from home I sleep all the time. I can't get basic chores completed around the house. I don't have the enery or motivation. I've written a lot but I can honestly say I'm in a really dark place. I want to get better and do the right things. Would I be better off by not trying to be such a tough guy and take some type of medications?

[bipolar_bear]

I am sorry that things are so hard for you. You may want to consider talking to someone about t and meds. Many times the combination of the two is most beneficial. I don't think depression is something you can just tough it out. I know I have tried and it has not worked for me. I hope you reach out for some help.

BB

[gimmeice]

Hello needhelpckr, welcome to psych central. This is a great place to meet friends and find support, I hope you find as much help here as I have.
I agree that maybe you should try the therapy and med combo, I really think that it would be helpful for your situation. I know that you mentioned that counseling became to expensive, there are some therapists that work on a sliding scale based on your income, so it may be something worth checking into. It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with in your life and I am sorry that you are suffering. Do you have visitation with your kids?

If you have any questions while navigating this site feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator via private message here is a link to the forum leaders.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showgroups.php

[clara0clear0eyes]

i am so sorry that your mother passed away when you were still just a very young child - and was ill even before then. and i am even more sorry that no one could practice any sanity or reason and see that a young boy has got to grieve and do all sorts of stuff and then be able to find his way out of it - seems a father should have helped with that. and i'm so sorry that no one stepped up to the mother role in your life. every child deserves a mother. seems your father's wife could have done better in that department.

the things that happened to you were very emotionally crippling and that kinda stuff just doesnt go away and i'm sure its rearing its ugly head in a situation like the recent divorce.
please,please - go easy on yourself during this time.

but come hell or high water youve got to get this right. its not your fault. its not fair what happened in your life. but there are people out there that can help you. i agree with everyone else - youve got to get some real help. the quality of your life is at stake.

i think you can do this and youve got all of us to talk to.
sincerely,
clara

[miastella]

I have empathy for your experience. My father died when I was 15 after 5 long years of illness. I think when we're young, we can't get our heads around the loss and it makes it harder to heal. I went through years of depression afterwards. For me, losing him and a few other traumas have probably set my bipolar as a lifelong issue. therapy and medication have helped a lot over the years and I think spirituality as well. I was awfully angry; my mother isn't too stable and being left with her didn't help. when I started to release my anger, I started to heal in a lot of ways. Learning about the stages of grief and the fact that we revisit them through our whole life in different ways helped me be easier on myself. Just the fact that you wrote such a great, revealing statement indicates to me that you're ready to heal --- try therapy again; keep looking for someone you can work with--- maybe medications too.