I did it.... a step... towards what I don't know

I've had trouble even listening to music lately. I finally am able to listen to cello specific music again without feeling intense pain. Even enjoying bits of it.
But I'm still not sure I really want to go back to play after everything that's happened with me, and with music school.

I knew I loved the cello... that it's what I wanted to do.
But now I feel like the chance is wrested from me.
And that maybe it's not right after all. Music jobs can be pretty horrible.

Maybe computer stuff - at least there's money in that? Switch my major. Wish I could have played. For the rest of my life.
But also... do my homework and be done. Study, know the stuff and be done.

Lose lose situation.

I dunno.
I'm just really down.

I hope that you don't let a non-internal source decide for you whether or not you can or will play music. I don't know much about your situation but I am a singer/bassist and used to be semi-professional until I became unable to leave the house or maintain strong connections with others. I still use music as a way to communicate to others, since I don't do that well in other ways and more over I get a cathartic response from music. I can be locked in my room and feel the composer/performer as if I was entwined with their soul. It makes me feel less lonely in my own world to connect with the spirit in which music is written and performed. I know that I may never go back to where I was as an artist but music is still my mistress, even if my other half doesn't understand. It sounds like you are more upset at an institution then with music, so I hope you don't cut music out of your life for the sake of being hurt. I know that institutions can take the fun out artistry and spiritual endeavors. It is not unusual for cooks, and musicians and artists and even pastors to go to school to pursue their dreams only to have the institution they turn to damage their relationship with their passion. If your passion is music I hope you pursue it in YOUR way, not in some schools ideals. I hope that you can find some peace for yourself.

((((((((((((( turquoisesea )))))))))))))))))))))

I am glad that you were able to do something that you enjoy, sometimes that is really important. Is there someone irl that you can talk to about whether you should change your major or not? That seems like a big decision and I am not sure that we are up to making such a change when we are not feeling very well. My only advice is to really examine all sides of such a decision before you take any action like changing your major, I would first start with a pros and cons list that is very detailed looking at all aspects of any perspective careers.

Wow, I think I would find anyone that had the same sort of feelings toward their instrument. I used to play guitar ALL THE TIME, was even in a church band, and everything just fell apart. Since then Ive become so full of hate, so angry at everything that happened, that I never play guitar anymore. God, how I wish I had never joined that band, or left before I became so bitter. At least I would still have my electric in my life, the one thing that ever made me feel whole.

My aspiration was to become a session musician, but now I dont wanna do anything, I just want to die.