[indrani]

First of all the definition of the word 'friend' is lost on me. But by no means do I want to hurt the feelings of anybody and I need all the friends I can get.
It's easy to send people friend requests and accept other people's friend requests. It is easy for me to hang out with people sometimes or invite them over for parties. But does that really make them my friends? My question is are your parents and your spouse and your children the only people in this world who are going to care if you exist in this world?
Is my expectation of my friends to care about me the same way my parents and husband care about me too much? I feel like a child who still needs to learn how to make friends! What are the rules? It seems like you need to wait for some time for the trust to build up before you can blurt out your personal problems. But I don't have the patience for it. I feel like pouring my heart out the moment I find someone to talk to, tel them about my depression, but I'm more than certain that if I did that, they would want to run away! That somehow doesn't seem fair! I know that everyone is not meant to be everyone's friend. But it wouldn't hurt if someone stayed back and listened to me and liked me and supported me, no questions asked! Right now there is no one like that in my life besides my husband whom I love. But I need more than him to feel fuller and richer!

[Puffyprue]

Originally Posted by indrani

First of all the definition of the word 'friend' is lost on me. But by no means do I want to hurt the feelings of anybody and I need all the friends I can get.
It's easy to send people friend requests and accept other people's friend requests. It is easy for me to hang out with people sometimes or invite them over for parties. But does that really make them my friends? My question is are your parents and your spouse and your children the only people in this world who are going to care if you exist in this world?
Is my expectation of my friends to care about me the same way my parents and husband care about me too much? I feel like a child who still needs to learn how to make friends! What are the rules? It seems like you need to wait for some time for the trust to build up before you can blurt out your personal problems. But I don't have the patience for it. I feel like pouring my heart out the moment I find someone to talk to, tel them about my depression, but I'm more than certain that if I did that, they would want to run away! That somehow doesn't seem fair! I know that everyone is not meant to be everyone's friend. But it wouldn't hurt if someone stayed back and listened to me and liked me and supported me, no questions asked! Right now there is no one like that in my life besides my husband whom I love. But I need more than him to feel fuller and richer!

indrani
friends will never run away from you...no matter what!! thats what i believe..
i think you lucky enough coz u always have ur hubby and its great things if we could have someone like that i mean u should be grateful for that coz u so lucky
ur husband could be ur everything ..ur husband and at the same time he could be ur bestfriends..that would be so nice..u know what if i could have 1 person that i always count on and really cares for me it think i dont need anyone else...and besides what good it could be if we have a lot of friends but never really cares for us??? this is just my stupid thought i hope this not offend you

[indrani]

Hi puffyprue,
That was so nice to hear! I'm sure you will find that special someone soon! And no I'm not offended! You seem so nice!
I befriended so many people at my work but I was all alone during these holidays and no one checked upon me to ask how I was! Whenever I want to spend some time with them, they seem to have work or something. I'm so tired of people giving excuses that I've totally given up on asking people to spend some time with me. If I lived with my husband, I guess I wouldn't be so sad! But I need to wait another year and a half to re-unite with him and that hurts a lot!
I like to have friends whom I can confide in and be intimate with. Someone with whom I can share my joys and sorrows. I'm tired of having diplomatic relations with everyone around me!

Originally Posted by puffyprue

indrani
friends will never run away from you...no matter what!! thats what i believe..
i think you lucky enough coz u always have ur hubby and its great things if we could have someone like that i mean u should be grateful for that coz u so lucky
ur husband could be ur everything ..ur husband and at the same time he could be ur bestfriends..that would be so nice..u know what if i could have 1 person that i always count on and really cares for me it think i dont need anyone else...and besides what good it could be if we have a lot of friends but never really cares for us??? this is just my stupid thought i hope this not offend you

[Puffyprue]

Originally Posted by indrani

Hi puffyprue,
That was so nice to hear! I'm sure you will find that special someone soon! And no I'm not offended! You seem so nice!
I befriended so many people at my work but I was all alone during these holidays and no one checked upon me to ask how I was! Whenever I want to spend some time with them, they seem to have work or something. I'm so tired of people giving excuses that I've totally given up on asking people to spend some time with me. If I lived with my husband, I guess I wouldn't be so sad! But I need to wait another year and a half to re-unite with him and that hurts a lot!
I like to have friends whom I can confide in and be intimate with. Someone with whom I can share my joys and sorrows. I'm tired of having diplomatic relations with everyone around me!

btw i have my someone specials he is my bestfriends iam not often to talk with him coz sometimes he extremely busy but its okay with me...coz even he busy i still can leave my message for him and even he busy he spent time to read my message...
ouh iam sorry i dont know if you not leave with your hubby..its must be hard...
i know how it feels when all ur frieds just busy with their life and you feel so all alone..but it biiter but so true that this is life so we should take whatever thats comes coz theres nothing we could do...
coz i've been through this situation i learn something from this...coz u dont have friends so u could spent more times for ur self and do something that you like it maybe at the first time you will think it would be nice if you have friends who didi it with you...but dont expect too much to people and the times you dont have expectation u will understand and then you not gonna feel hurt and i believe you life will more richer and colourful...coz whatever people did to you it doesnt matter anymore...

[silver_moon]

((((((((indrani))))))))
I could of written that myself, my opinions are the same as yours.
It's strange, the friends I have made on here know a lot more about me and I can connect with them better than I can with a lot of my family. It's not the same as having a friend IRL, but I'm thankful for these friendships.

[indrani]

I'm really glad to have so many people here to talk to. I guess I should be happy that I at least have this and shouldn't complain about not having friends like you in real life with whom I can hang out!

Originally Posted by silver_moon

((((((((indrani))))))))
I could of written that myself, my opinions are the same as yours.
It's strange, the friends I have made on here know a lot more about me and I can connect with them better than I can with a lot of my family. It's not the same as having a friend IRL, but I'm thankful for these friendships.

[madisgram]

i'm sorry you feel so alone. i had to respond because at one time in my life i felt as i had no one who truly cared about me. what i discovered with time was that my friends are my "family". it took time to find those special people that loved me just for being me. there was a lot of experimentation at first cause i didn't know what qualities in friends i was looking for. by helping others and taking the focus off myself i found that i was surrounded by people that valued me for just me being me. it's difficult to describe the process i went through but a T really helped me through this period. today i have a family that loves me conditionally. however today i have friends that love me unconditionally.
the first thing i had to learn to do is to love myself for who i was. if there was an area that i thought needed tweaking about myself i did it in therapy. then i was really able to find true joy and make the valuable friends i have today. if i didn't love myself how could others love me?
another thought: do you think you are looking in the right places for friends?
i hope these thoughts will help you and i wish for you all the joys i have found in the friends i have now.

[clio]

Hi Indrani
This is my first post here at Psych Central. I wanted to reply to you because your question is one that is often in my heart, too. This post isn't going to be all about me, so bear with me - but, to give you just a little bit of background information, I have never found it easy to make friends, and two years ago my husband abandoned me and our two children after 25 years together. So for a long time I felt worthless, and still do now. That said, I count myself fortunate to have two sisters who truly love me and have helped me so much, while still respecting me, and two brothers-in-law who have also been a huge help, and a wonderful loving mother, and two loving sons. It is the icing on the cake to know that I also have a few good friends who really care about what happens to me. And - and this is the crux - I also care about what happens to them. When things go badly for them, I am sad and anxious. When things go well, I rejoice.
You ask where the friends are who will care about you and be devoted to you the way your husband does - but what you need to ask is, who are the friends that you care about? Who are the people you will go the extra mile for? Who are the people you will drop everything for, and inconvenience yourself for, giving them money if they are in debt, offering them the shelter of your home if they are homeless, listening to their problems for hours when you would rather be watching your favourite TV show? You want a lot from a true friend. What are you willing to give? If you give people the impression that you're only interested in yourself, and not interested in them, and not willing to go out of your way for them, then they won't see you as a friend.
A couple of years ago, when I was living abroad and needed to be evacuated home for emergency medical surgery, I called one of my friends, with whom I had been out of touch for a while, to ask if I could stay in her house. She said yes immediately and started making plans; then I learnt that I had to go to a different hospital and could not come to her. It was only then that she revealed that she was, in fact, 8 months pregnant.
That's friendship. I love her with all my heart and would drop anything to help her. Look into yourself to see what you can offer. When you make the offer, people will take you up on it.

[indrani]

Thanks Clio for your honest reply and I'm sorry you were abandoned. I guess your story is sadder than mine. In fact mine isn't a story at all!
It's not like I wouldn't go out of my way to help people out when they need me. I've done that several times in the hope of making people I just got acquainted with to like me and be my friend. But I never felt like they wanted to be close to me. I guess you might say that I just shouldn't have given up and continued to do what I did and someday my wish would be granted which I would gladly agree to.
I certainly do want to see a therapist and improve my attitude towards life in general. There might be a lot things I might do or say which might be influenced by some deep down issues which I don't know how to tackle. You are a very strong person and I'm happy for you.

Originally Posted by clio

Hi Indrani
This is my first post here at Psych Central. I wanted to reply to you because your question is one that is often in my heart, too. This post isn't going to be all about me, so bear with me - but, to give you just a little bit of background information, I have never found it easy to make friends, and two years ago my husband abandoned me and our two children after 25 years together. So for a long time I felt worthless, and still do now. That said, I count myself fortunate to have two sisters who truly love me and have helped me so much, while still respecting me, and two brothers-in-law who have also been a huge help, and a wonderful loving mother, and two loving sons. It is the icing on the cake to know that I also have a few good friends who really care about what happens to me. And - and this is the crux - I also care about what happens to them. When things go badly for them, I am sad and anxious. When things go well, I rejoice.
You ask where the friends are who will care about you and be devoted to you the way your husband does - but what you need to ask is, who are the friends that you care about? Who are the people you will go the extra mile for? Who are the people you will drop everything for, and inconvenience yourself for, giving them money if they are in debt, offering them the shelter of your home if they are homeless, listening to their problems for hours when you would rather be watching your favourite TV show? You want a lot from a true friend. What are you willing to give? If you give people the impression that you're only interested in yourself, and not interested in them, and not willing to go out of your way for them, then they won't see you as a friend.
A couple of years ago, when I was living abroad and needed to be evacuated home for emergency medical surgery, I called one of my friends, with whom I had been out of touch for a while, to ask if I could stay in her house. She said yes immediately and started making plans; then I learnt that I had to go to a different hospital and could not come to her. It was only then that she revealed that she was, in fact, 8 months pregnant.
That's friendship. I love her with all my heart and would drop anything to help her. Look into yourself to see what you can offer. When you make the offer, people will take you up on it.

[Peppermint_Patty]

Indrani,

I like to think of Friendship as being sort of like a tree. A tree... in order to grow.... needs a combination of sunlight and water.

However a tree will die if it receives too much sunlight, just as it will die if it receives too little. The same thing is true if a tree receives too much or too little water.

Anyway... friendship is the same way.

For example, spending too much time together can be as bad for the friendship as spending too little time together.

Or...

Discussing really sad stuff all the time can be as bad for the friendship as not discussing any sad stuff at all.

I hope you get what I am trying to say here, because one key I think to growing healthy friendships is practicing moderation.

And knowing what is too much or too little is what makes friendship (or any relationship for that matter) so darn tricky!!!

But I think that learning the right amounts is something that comes from trial and error, lots of practice, and remembering the golden rule which is to treat others the way you would want to be treated!!

The second thing that one needs in order to grow healthy friendships is to learn patience!!

Just as trees grow very slowly, the same holds true when it comes to growing a strong and healthy friendship.

A friendship that grows too fast typically resembles a tree that has very shallow roots. It may look strong and tall, but when the winds of adversity and change blow upon it, it is easily uprooted and torn from the ground, at which point, it cannot survive.

Anyway... I hope this analogy helps. Good luck to you in your search for friends. There are many wonderful people out there in the world, but just take your time when you go searching for them.

All the best,

Peppermint Patty

Originally Posted by indrani

First of all the definition of the word 'friend' is lost on me. But by no means do I want to hurt the feelings of anybody and I need all the friends I can get.
It's easy to send people friend requests and accept other people's friend requests. It is easy for me to hang out with people sometimes or invite them over for parties. But does that really make them my friends? My question is are your parents and your spouse and your children the only people in this world who are going to care if you exist in this world?
Is my expectation of my friends to care about me the same way my parents and husband care about me too much? I feel like a child who still needs to learn how to make friends! What are the rules? It seems like you need to wait for some time for the trust to build up before you can blurt out your personal problems. But I don't have the patience for it. I feel like pouring my heart out the moment I find someone to talk to, tel them about my depression, but I'm more than certain that if I did that, they would want to run away! That somehow doesn't seem fair! I know that everyone is not meant to be everyone's friend. But it wouldn't hurt if someone stayed back and listened to me and liked me and supported me, no questions asked! Right now there is no one like that in my life besides my husband whom I love. But I need more than him to feel fuller and richer!

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( indrani ))))))))))))))))

I found joining group therapy or a support group to be very helpful in making friends, you get to practice the process of making friends and what that relationship is like. IRL I have few friends however I have found many friends here and over time I have found that posting here helps me to have the confidence to just be myself which in turn makes it easier to make friends irl.

[indrani]

Thank you for your kind words Patty.

Originally Posted by Peppermint_Patty

Indrani,

I like to think of Friendship as being sort of like a tree. A tree... in order to grow.... needs a combination of sunlight and water.

However a tree will die if it receives too much sunlight, just as it will die if it receives too little. The same thing is true if a tree receives too much or too little water.

Anyway... friendship is the same way.

For example, spending too much time together can be as bad for the friendship as spending too little time together.

Or...

Discussing really sad stuff all the time can be as bad for the friendship as not discussing any sad stuff at all.

I hope you get what I am trying to say here, because one key I think to growing healthy friendships is practicing moderation.

And knowing what is too much or too little is what makes friendship (or any relationship for that matter) so darn tricky!!!

But I think that learning the right amounts is something that comes from trial and error, lots of practice, and remembering the golden rule which is to treat others the way you would want to be treated!!

The second thing that one needs in order to grow healthy friendships is to learn patience!!

Just as trees grow very slowly, the same holds true when it comes to growing a strong and healthy friendship.

A friendship that grows too fast typically resembles a tree that has very shallow roots. It may look strong and tall, but when the winds of adversity and change blow upon it, it is easily uprooted and torn from the ground, at which point, it cannot survive.

Anyway... I hope this analogy helps. Good luck to you in your search for friends. There are many wonderful people out there in the world, but just take your time when you go searching for them.

All the best,

Peppermint Patty