 |
| FAQ/Help |
| Calendar |
| Search |
|
#1
Jan 06, 2009, 07:42 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
To die... Me? Sometimes I sit and think about it and really wish that it could be me because so many bad things are happening at the moment, yet again. It's really ripping me apart and I seriously can't take it anymore. I've tried and I've tried, really I have..
Yeah, my meds have been boosted up, but my mood won't change, it never does. I slept a little better last night, but my body's not used to having sleep, so I'm even more tired today than I was yesterday or the day before that, or the day before that.. and so on... Why do things have to be like this? Yeah, sure he's apologised to me for insulting em and such, which is great, but.. I just feel like it's all my own fault anyway. Just like Sam dying is my fault and Georgie being beaten is my fault. Just like everything is my fault. God, if Alec saw me typing this now, he'd say "why didn't you tell me all this before?" My reason? I'm scared. Scared of him saying "what's the use in blaming yourself, making yourself depressed? It's not gonna help them is it?" No! I f*cking well know that!! I can't help the way I feel though can I?! ED's getting worse again. GRRR!! I mean,I want to lose weight, but every time that I try to, she just screams at me to stop eating completely. Which, sometimes.. I do. Because it seems to be the only thing that'll shut her up, that'll make her stop screaming and shouting. I know she's only trying to help, but by screaming, she's not helping one little bit. i hope she realises that. New Years resolutions, eh? This makes me feel so sick, just sitting here, knowing that there are people sat in the canteen all stuffing their faces full with food, while I just sit here, alone, quite, typing away, hungry and tired. Give up? Or not give up? Idk. |
|
#2
Jan 06, 2009, 08:27 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
 iam sorry its hard right now me to i have hard time too and its seems never ends ...sometimes its just so hard to stand all alone...but in fact we never really alone "unseen " always there with us.. but sometimes we make our heart blinded by sorrow so we can feel him always there to always sit with us...you can do this ..ed,depression and all the things u have deal right now thats sucks...just ignore people what ever they said they never lived ur life even for 1 second so they dont know how its feel and it will hard to make them understand its just so hard for us...but like u said they care for us thats why the said those things they just dont know how it feels so just ignore what they had been said...and 1 thing for sure that u should remember that everytimes they yell at u or they keep telling u those things that the last thing u want to hear..just keep in ur mind u are loved
__________________
As long as people aren't asking me if i'm all right, i am alright. |
|
#3
Jan 06, 2009, 08:39 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut 
|
|
#4
Jan 06, 2009, 01:53 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
No, not the girl who was with me that night. Pff, I'd be partying right now if she was.. She's been trying her utmost best to make my life hell, which is making me soooo happy right now...
 No, it was my close friend Sam, from Surrey. And our close friend Georgie was the one in ICU. Yeah. She.. Uh.. She died.. Was. Uh. Murdered. I did write about it, you must've missed it. Haven't slept properly in 5 days and haven't stopped crying for 6. *sigh* it sucks, and yet another part of me has died.. Like that part of me has gone with Sam.. And this is going to be the fourth funeral I'm gonna regret not going to.. At least I got through today without any tears.. I guess that's a plus. But I just know that as soon as I go back to my room, I'll burst into tears.. After eating today, when i was doing so well.. Because of Connor.. When everything's just so wrong, when I'm still feeling f*cking knackered. Connor said to me, when i told him about Sam (he thought it was the witness too) "well, whatever you do, be careful who you tell about this. The police might get wind of it and accuse you." Me? A f*cking murderer?! O-k.. But. Then, as soon as he found out it was my close friend Sam, he said "Kirsten, you need to get out of this 'friendship'. It's ruining your life, you can't deal with this atm, it's too much for you. Get out of it while you can." WTF???!!! My close friend's just died and he says THAT??!! How unsympathetic?! Yeah, maybe he thinks they've put me through a lot of s**t with all their problems.. But that's my fault, for letting them do it.. I mean, I did tell them to back off a bit and they did.. And then Sam died.. What's worse? Knowing, and being upset, or not being told and finding out at some later point, and getting upset over both her death and the fact that they felt they couldn't tell me.. GAAAHH!! ***** OFFFFFFFFFF!! Sorry.. *cries* I'm so upset and angry and nothing's helping atm. Not even Connor. He was the one that apologised about the insults.. They knocked my confidence flying backwards and i guess he noticed, so he apologised for being so demanding when it came to sex and such. That's what the insults were about.. Saying I was lazy in bed, I just lay there and acted as though I didn't actually want it. Which, was true, i didn't really really want it.. I didn't feel able to let things like that happen yet. So.. Yeah.. i feel guilty if I don't give him sex a lot of the time.. Just. Wish. My. Stupid. Head. Would *****. Off. And. Leave. Me. Alone!! And everyone that lives here too, even Charlene. She's not helping, she just comes to me with all these f*cking "problems" about guys that she went out with for a day wtf? And knows what's happened and still expects me to want to help her? Despite everything she's done and said to me?! She can stick that where the sun don't shine. I'm fed up of it. I'm done. Over. Quit. Give Up. |
|
#5
Jan 06, 2009, 02:00 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Oh K-, I'm so sorry. While I was in Florida my internet was horrible, so I did miss the post. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It's all so much. I'm glad Connor did apologize! Of course you don't want sex often--you were just raped! Your friend was just murdered! You just found out! Don't you take on the guilt over not wanting sex. Charlene sure sounds like a user! Says horrible things about you, apologizes and then wants "boy" help?!? Puh-lease!! Your main focus still needs to be on YOU. Taking care of you, doing only the things that will benefit and heal you. No one elses concerns or worry's or troubles are important right now--only yours.
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut
|
|
#6
Jan 06, 2009, 03:34 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
i read all the posts before i responded. i am so sorry your life is in such turmoil.
it seems to me that a lot of life events have drained you dry...a lot of loss in a short period of time. plus, the people around you are also draining you dry. do you think you can just state that you are going to take care of yourself and those other people need to take care of themselves? i'd like to suggest you say, "i'm not your mother!!!"  but that wouldn't help the tenuous situation. instead be firm, set your boundaries with them (verbally and emotionally), and go on about your own business. my T told me one time that people will take and take as long as i allow it. that's when he taught me about boundaries. about loving myself enough to not be everyone's punching bag or human doormat. i hope this helps some. keep posting about this even if it's just to rant. at least that will let some of the steam off. you're burning up a lot of mental energy that you need for yourself...not them. hugs
__________________
Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand |
|
#7
Jan 06, 2009, 04:01 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
¬¬ This is really messing me up!! The guilt I take on at the moment is the guilt that I didn't I didn't protect Sam, didn't do enough for her. I feel like I wasn't there for her.. And now Georgie's collapsed at her computer and there's nothing I can do.. If she dies now, that'll be my fault..
I've even said that I'll eat tomorrow if she'll go.. I hate eating, taht's the worst compromise I could possibly come up with, but it's just to get her to go, or she'll die.. *sigh* and listening to my favourite song now makes me cry.. And i have to sing it for my final Major Project gig in May. So, I'll probably end up bawling my eyes out in that.. Great.. I'm not important.. Not compared to so many others. I'm fine compared to them. Obviously boy troubles are a big concern to Charlene. Obviously I should be helping all these people. It gives me a sense of achievement. I should quite all this pissing and moaning about feeling used. Maybe I feel used but.. Who gives a s**t? They obviously don't.. And it seems that the only time Connor's happy is when I'm faking smiles and laughter and when I'm giving him sex. I was a punchbag for 11 years of my life, and still, I let it carry on.. My twin's being a complete ***** about our birth Mother, saying to her, Mum's dead and that she hates her guts for giving us up. This wrenches my stomach every time I see, hear or say it. It makes me physically sick and makes me cry.. I'm crying right now because it's killing me.. It's takingover me again.. like they've taken my head and heart and soul and put all this s**t in and taken all the good out.. I feel so.. Not me.. So.. numb, so broken and dead. I look at everyone smiling and wish it could be me.. Everybody comes crying to me, but I never go crying to them. Why? Because I don't want them to know that the whole time they've been offloading on me, I've been suffering.. Even now, replying to peoples' posts, i try not to let on taht it's affecting me, but it is.. It really is I can't take it anymore.. Too many people are using and abusing me and I won't stand for it. I CAN'T F*CKING TAKE IT ANYMORE!! DO THEY NOT UNDERSTAND THAT!!!
|
| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
|
My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.
Linear Mode
