UPDATE ON ME and HOW I FEEL

I did not develop depression issues untill about ten years ago when my dad died and later came the anxiety and sometimes panice. I guess there was some deptession before but not as bad as I developed and eating disorder in about 1990 and did deal with some depression then so I guess it has been around along time. Truth be told I just don't know what to talk about. We have talked about my weight that bothers me, my lack of friends and no relationships, one issue that happended in my past but I don't know what causes the current depression that comes back. I went through ECT last year and it seemed to work for a short time but I don't know long it really lasted and truth be told I don't think I feel up to going through ECT right now. At my last apt last week my therapist called and had my mom take my pills so I could not have acces to them except what I need at a time it was either that or the hospital. I dd not like either option as I mentioned and at some point she talked to my psychatric nurse clinician who is in charge of my meds. She was not happy she had just seem me before the apt with my therapist and all I said was the depression was a little worst but not bad. I lied and I don't know why I just couldn't admit it. It only came out in therapy because she knows me so well and could tell things were not well so she got it out of me. Today I started scratching my arm wanting to ccut but knowing I can't go that far at least never had just deep scratches. I am worried that things are not getting better and my med provider and I did talk over the phone and she did adjust my meds. It is helping with the anxiety somewhat but not the depression and overall package. I am afraid when I see my med provider and therapist on Wed that they may say hospital since I am not doing better, I am trying to be safe, but still have thoughts of wanting it to end. I am at the apt I may even agree that is wher I belong but I want a choice of hospitals. The one where I had ECT(outpatient) had a good pysch doc but I was in there inpatient program once and I felt like we did nothing all day which did not halp at all; THe hospital in the other town where I have been several times none recent at either you never know who you will get for a doc and one I don't like but they have a much better program which is what helped me last time. Do I get a say in which hospital if they say I have to go. What are my rights. I am so scared and all I want to do is scratch my arms more so the pain I feel is real one I can understand not in my head where I don't understand things. At least with longs sleeves this time of year no one can see what I was doing this morning. Feeling out of control, tears keep coming, anxiety keeps hitting, and my mood is so down my mom checks on me from time to time and is aftaid to go to far. I am ruining everyone's life and I can't seem to get things in control they just keep spiraling down. I think I need help

(((( andycamp ))))))

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time.
Try talking to your Dr's. and explain your anxiety and apprehension about hospitals.
If you don't feel comfortable talking, write them a letter and give it to them.
(You wrote your feelings very well here.)
I'm sure they will listen.

take care (( andy ))

I wanted to say thanks for sharing with us. Im sorry you are in so much ain. I wish that I had the answers. I dont. The best advice i can give you is do whats best for you. Be honest with your helpers. Thats the only way to get better. I know that the uncertanity of what will happen is scary but thats the way it is sometimes. Hospitals for short term stays are usually not bad. In fact if i didnt have kids and so many responsiabilities I would tell my T I needed to be in one now. But I dont have that choice. I want you to think about all your options and have a talk with your T tell her or him what th fears are ask what your options are and maybe it doesnt mean hospitals. Some places have a partial hospitalization program where you go during the day and go home at night.
Most of all I wanted to tell you I read your post I hear what your saying and it makes sense to me. I will keep u in my thoughts and pleae update us. OK?

Well I just took a big risk and one that may cause me to have little options but I just sent my therapist an email similar to my post here with a little more involved updating her on how things are since last wed. I told her I now I took a big risk by sending her an email but since I can't seem to get the words out but on paper right now I thought she should read this. It may be helpful that she now knows how bad I am feeling since I am afraid I will not be able to tell her on Wed oraly without losing the ability to speak. I am scared that she will be able to use the email against me to hospitalize me but on the other hand I am really starting to feel that is where i belong again since I am feeling so unsafe. I just can't aford it with my job yet I am having a hard time making it through the day at work. No one has noticed yet but I don't know how long I can keep up going with everything is ok when I feel I am dying inside of sadness, anger, depression, anxiety and fear. So thats what I did tonight for better or worst. I will update you when I talk to my therapist. Thanks for your support I need friends right now just to make it through the nights.
Andy