[injaga]

Suddenly I felt all alone and empty, I'm living but actually I'm not living.
I am scared.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((( injaga ))))))))))))))))))

Is there anything going on to make you feel this way?

[Junerain]

Pm me if you want......(((hopefully you can feel as if you are living again)))))

[madisgram]

thank you feeling comfortable enough to share this with us, injaga. do you know why you are scared? the emptiness could very well be depression. i can totally relate to your pain. it's almost like being numb. do you have a therapist you can discuss this with? let us know, cause we care about you.

[injaga]

Just sometimes I feel this way. I don't have therapist or I have never met one. I exactly don't know what is going on with with me.
I think this whole thing, my emptiness and self inconfidence started to grow from many years ago.
Almost for 8 years me and my family suffered from fighting with my brother's alcoholism and then his death. During this struggle I was teenager and I have become complete loser after I moved from country small school to capital city high profile school. (I was not good at math, but parents were pushing me hard to study in a school with students with talent in math; becoz family was poor and I was ashamed of wearing ugly clothes while classmates were wearing brand clothes. They laughed at me.)

After college I have worked for 5 years. I was really lacking soft skills, too inconfident and bad at communicating with people. When I start something I find it very hard to finish it. Therefore I delay business plan writing, loan proposal to committee, run projects. But I was never fired, I was just to manage my tasks but inefficient. Therefore I was not able to get promoted or acheive something.

Now I am graduate student and I'm done with 14 courses but I cannot start my thesis. My classmates started to defence initial proposal. But I have not started yet anything. I am foreign student here. I don't know I am getting lazy or something wrong with my psychology. Now how I behave is too irresponsible in front of my family, professor and my company which is financing and supporting my study in this country. Maybe I am too tired of pushing myself to live as normal when I'm not normal. Now I sleep daytime wake in nighttime. Only thing I am doing is watching movies, sleep a lot.
No dignity, no enthusiasm in life and no motive. Recently I did not get up from my bed for 2 days. I life is standing on my responsibilities to others. But not my will to live. I think I cannot live like this anymore. What is wrong with me.

[madisgram]

as a grad student they have school counselors in the pschology dept. and at administration. please try and set up an appt. you sound like you will need help with this depression. i am not a doc, but i think this is at least part of what's going on with you. please keep us posted and thank you for having the courage to share this with us. we truly care and i believe you can get help and feel much better. therapy/counseling can help you untangle the feelings you are having. many times it's based on false beliefs we have. you can pm if you want. i care.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((((( injaga ))))))))))))))))

I agree with madisgram, you would probably benefit from some therapy and possible even some meds. Take the step towards wellness for yourself, seek help.

[Junerain]

As far as 'normal' do not feel pressure to feel that way? What is normal anyway- no one is.....

As far as being lazy...that is a sign of 'psychology being wrong' i.e. depression/mental illness, a first sign. The advice here is good, please, please, set up a first appointment with a campus counselor- that is what they are there for. To help you and people like you. Try to go in small steps, just _one appointment, to at least _start...

I, too, am having trouble writing _my thesis. After I get off the computer here at the library, i will start small steps, just an introduction to start. It helps _me to know _I am not the only one.

As far as communicating poorly, you wrote well here. You could even show a counselor this post, you would not have to verbally say anything.

PM me if you want or choose, I care (((((Indaja))))))