Oh... :( *triggering*

I gave up earlier. Very nearly.

Connor was pestering me about coming back to mine. I eventually just said "Connor, I don't want to go home. It depresses me, it makes me go into a s**tty depressed and angry mood, it's messy and I'm fed up, ok? I just don't want to go back there. I never do". He kept going on about it, then said that I was acting suspiciously. I snapped then and just said "Connor, I feel incredibly sick, I'm about to throw up, can you not see that?! I'm exhausted, trying to save an argument from happening and you're saying I'm acting suspiciously. Give me a break". So he said "Fine. I'll give you a break" and stormed off..

I called after him once, but in the end just left him to walk away. I gave up in that moment. He called me 10 minutes or so later and said; "Do you think we need to have time apart?" I didn't know what to say.. I stuttered and stumbled, got annoyed and then sighed and said "Yes, Connor. We do. We really do. We can't go on like this. I'm fed up of always being the one that has to take on all the work of fixing this relationship. I can't do it alone, it's two sided, not one. You need to get some help for yourself with this. I'm trying my hardest, putting more than I should into it and you're sitting back and watching it crumble, making out that it's my fault.. When actually it's because you won't get help with your anger and such. We need to take a break for a while. Sort ourselves out. I didn't want to have to resort to this, but it's the only way, it seems.." He said ok and we ended the phonecall.

I hated that moment, but.. As a lot of you here have said, it's the best thing for me to do to help me.. I did it for me, I thought about ME for once, not him.. Of course it may hurt him, but I have to do it to let e sort MYSELF out first..

I just.. *sigh*. I hate this. Really I do. I could really do with a warm hug right now, from someone who really does care.. Connor's hugs recently have been so heartless and I've just not felt better when he's cuddled me.. Yes I have a lot of baggage, but he said he was prepared to take that on.. But obviously he wasn't.. My decision is that I won't call this break off until he has some professional help, until he is engaging in it and getting something out of it.

This is for me. As much as it hurts, it's the best way *sob*.

I was so close ot OD'ing again I had a blade in my hand, turning it over and over, wanting so badly to draw it across my skin. I was even planning where and when I would take the OD and where I'd get the pills and what pills I'd take and such. It was scary, but.. I spoke to Chris through texting and he helped a little. I'm just so tempted by it.. Still.. I feel so unsafe right now, but it'll jeopardise my chances of moving out of here sooner, unless I figure out a surefire way of people here not finding out.. *sigh* just listen to me. Going on like this. I'm pathetic. Useless. A watse of space.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TPND))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I wish that I could give those in real life to you. Through your pain, please know how proud I am of you and how proud you should be of yourself for doing this for you. How mature of you to realize that, even though it hurts, you need this--he needs to get help, you need to continue with your help and you two were not healthy for each as you are right now.

I'm glad you put the blade down and didn't go through with your plan. You are right--if you do, you will come right off the list for being able to move out (unless of course you go too far and then you will be moving out--permanently). Taking care of you, doing things for you is not od'ing or SI'ing. It's fighting those urges, just like you did. Way to go. Call Chris or Emily or Sky or just get out of your apartment, go for a run or walk, go to the store, something to change your focus.

Wow! Just look at all what you've accomplished! Those urges are terrible to fight and you did it!

Thanks CSC.

It still is really tough, he's trying to convince me that it's the wrong thing to do, that us being together and me saying "If you don't get help, I will call a break", will make him get help, not us being on a break and me saying "The sooner you get help, the sooner I'll be back in your arms again, happy with you". He's making em feel incredibly awful and he might not be meaning to, but it's killing me, really it is..

I'm trying so hard.. I thought giving him an ultimatum to get help, like he did with me to stop me SI'ing, would help and I'm sticking to it.. I'm digging my heels in deep this time.. I want to cry, i want to scream, I want to stab myself to death, I want to whack myself again.. But... *sigh* I just want to give up..

My heart aches so, so much.. nbot just for Connor, but for all the people I can't stop thinking about.. Hopefully Chris'll get his workbook done that he's got piling up, so he can come help me out a bit tonight. Doesn't bother me if he can't. Just would be nice to have another snowball fight and such (teehee).

Just. Want. Everything. To. Disappear. Just. Want. To. Die.

it's killing me