Caved in

sorry to bother you all. but this is just about the best place I have for sharing some things. This morning started out better, but the day went down fast. I walked home from work and like yesterday could not stop thinking about walking out into the traffic. Not that I was planning to do it, but the thinking was there and very bleak. I called the emergency psych number and talked and cried. I have an urgent appointment for tomorrow morning to talk face to face. It helps knowing I can make it that far. If I did not know first hand the horror a suicide leaves behind, it would be an attractive option. I know from being down here countless times before that it will work out. In the meantime, it is a damn hard struggle.

(((((kvinn))))))sending sympathetic and supportive thoughts your way...grace

(((((((((((((kv))))))))))))))) glad you made that call. Please take care.

BTW, I also know the effects of a suicide.

your a lot stronger then most for being able to make the call. Take care

Thank you all. I know my limits and they were coming very fast. Usually I can put off "treatment" for months. Not this time. I am not sure why, but think that getting older (52?) is leaving me with less buffer. I know that I get get anxious and stressed out much easier than in the years past.

hey -- did you read my post on the biofeedback software in the Anxiety forum? I ordered it and after I try it out, I'd be happy to let you borrow it to see if it's useful for you!

I don't think age has much to do with having less buffer. Perhaps you've been stressed out for so long that it's harder to cope. That's what happened to me. I used to be able to handle stress well, but after a few years of extremely stressful incidents, I broke down. Now, I can't take stress as well as before.

One of the things I understand now is realizing when I need help, and ask for it. The longer I put it off, the worse it gets.

There's a lot of healing to be done, and seeing a therapist and/or going on medication will help.

Keep posting here, we're a bunch of good listener, and we care.

Take care (((((((((((((kv))))))))))))))))

Hi SS8282 --

I am interested in what you said about a time of great stress causing a break-down that lessens future ability to cope. I feel as if that is rather what has happened to me. All my life, people told me how strong and tough I was -- and I honestly believed that I could handle anything. Then I got hit with a bunch of bad stuff all at once, caved in -- that phrase is so completely descriptive kvinneakt -- and don't know if I'll ever have the kind of coping skills I had before.

Life does have a way of knocking us around, doesn't it?

I am back. After a very long appointment of 1 1/2 hours the short summary in 4 word or less was "get over it." The therapist (not a Dr.) thought the whole birth/camera/privacy avalanche was as nuts as I had in more rational moments. She said I am clearly not a pervert and I was not out of line being upset with being treated like one by members of my own family. She did not condone how badly I acted out this upset, but said that in the course of her work it was not very noteworthy. She thought that my freaking out with depression and guilt was more a problem with not being on the right meds or not enough, and then so easily triggered into crazy thinking. I realized after the meeting that I had indeed cut one of my med doses in 1/2 months ago because it made me groggy. That is that.

On the way home I took my car for its 2 year pollution inspection. Failed. Changed oil and put in miracle gas fluids. Better, but still failed. Went to the auto parts store for new ignition parts. It turns out my used car engine was seriously hacked with mystery parts in a past life and the right parts are not going to be easy to figure out.

Another life pisser, but one I can handle. It makes sense.

LMO, I would take you up on your offer to test drive the software just for the excuse to meet a literal neighbor who has been an unseen friend for quite some time now. You don't even need to bring it, just yourself. How about coffee, or beer on Hawthorne? I walk it end to end every day between 3 and 4.

(((((((((((Kv)))))))))))))