[Miracle1986]

Last night I did something I knew I shouldn't have. I went to bed angry.
My teeth were grinding involuntarily, my heart rate was unusually fast,
and I felt like punching something, screaming, and/or self harming worse than I ever have in the past.
My husband tried to comfort/console me and I pushed him away!!! I never push him away.
But the anger in me made me do it.
I didn't sleep a wink. All I did was toss and turn all freaking night long.
I have no clue why I was angry or what/who my anger was directed at.

Then, around 7:30 my husband got up and went downstairs and told me to text him if I needed anything.
A few minutes later I texted "I need a sudafed or some Nyquill or something so I can be knocked out and not do anything stupid."
He brought me a nausea pill that may cause drowsiness.
I took it and like 30 minutes later I was out like a light and I slept until 1:30. I got up and took a shower.

I am still pretty pissed and I don't know why. I hate this. It sucks. I know my husband is getting frustrated,
because he is usually really good at calming me down when I am angry, sad, etc... but nothing he does is helping.
I know he is getting tired of asking me "What's wrong? What are you angry at?" and all I can tell him is
"What's the point of asking when you know I am gonna say 'I don't know'?"

What the hell is wrong with me?!?!

I don't know if this makes a bit of sense, but I wish I could die.
I am saying that I am suicidal. It's not that I want to actually do anything to kill myself...
I just wish I could... I don't know... go to sleep and not wake up.

[nowheretorun]

rest might be a good idea Manda

[madisgram]

manda do u see a T? sometimes i feel our thoughts/feelings get so tangled up we need someone to help us untangle the disorder so we can get to the root of the problem. for me that has been my t. and i've learned new coping skills when i get out of whack...for me mostly depression but i sometimes have episodes of agitation and anger like you described. hope you can get this resolved. there are answers to this anger. you just may need a T to help you identify what sets it off and solutions for the now and future.

[Berries]

(((((((((((Manda)))))))))))

I am so sorry you had it so rough. Hope you are feeling better now.

I can relate. Especially to the part of going to bed angry or agitated and just tossing and turning all night long.

So, I don't ever do it.

I might still not sleep all night long.

But I don't get in bed or I get out of bed if I don't go to sleep soon.

I get on the computer--internet or email or post. I pace the house. I try not to eat.

I used to read.
I journal. I draw (not very well, so I throw it away after)

I write to my therapist.

It beats laying there obsessing, ruminating and listening to those mean awful voices in my head.

[pegasus]

Hugs (((((((( Manda ))))))))))

There will always be a trigger that sets the anger off. It might be something that reminded you of something that happened to you in the past. Sometimes we deny the trigger as it is too painful but ultimately knowing what triggers the anger leads to better understanding.

[turquoisesea]

Your post touched me because I've been in the same situation with my bf... going to sleep because I was TIRED, but being upset... regretting that I went to sleep tired.... because in the morning it's been festering all night while I was "asleep".

I'm really glad your husband is there for you, even though he's not seeming to help, at least he did bring you the stuff you asked for, at least he's there. For me it means so much that my bf is there for me. Its kinda like your location you put... your personal hell, well I'd never wish that hell on anyone but my bf lives here with me sometimes, he goes through so much of the hell with me, and although I'd never wish it on him it does help to have someone to hold my hand, hug me. Even though it doesn't necessarily make me "better".

I don't know if this makes a bit of sense, but I wish I could die.
I am saying that I am suicidal. It's not that I want to actually do anything to kill myself...
I just wish I could... I don't know... go to sleep and not wake up.

I know what you mean. I'm sorry. Know that it will pass. Let it pass. If it doesn't please keep reaching out for help to get it to pass.

I've also had so many bouts of anger lately.

There will always be a trigger that sets the anger off. It might be something that reminded you of something that happened to you in the past. Sometimes we deny the trigger as it is too painful but ultimately knowing what triggers the anger leads to better understanding.

that's exactly it. I don't think I've reached the point where I can turn everything around, but at the very least I am begging to see some of where my hurt is coming from. I'm sorry you're angry. I hate being angry.

I wish I had more advice, or a make-it-all better pill, we'll both have to settle for many a cyber hug and , understanding. you're not alone.

[Tumnus]

(((((Manda)))))

((((Turquiosesea))))

Hugs to you both, even when you're angry and don't want one.