[justfloating]

Warning: may trigger

I'M IN A BAD MOOD
"bad" doesn't even begin to cover it

I want to scream and cry and throw things!

Gah. Every tiny little thing got to me today and now I'm so angry at absolutely nothing that I can't sleep. I can't deal with anything remotely frustrating. I JUST CAN'T HANDLE IT TODAY!!!!!

Tomorrow I have so much to do but the thought of ANY of it just makes me so mad. Why should something like SCHOOL take up my sunday? Why should I let my parents call tomorrow when all I know they're gonna do is nag? Why should I do groceries when the store is going to be so packed (as it always is on weekends) that I'll have to wait in line forever? What's the point of going to my favourite coffee place when on weekends it's so packed I can't hear myself think? I'm even angry with the WEATHER for being NICE because it drew so many people out today that I could feel them pressing on me from all sides and getting in my way.

AAAAAAAAAGH!!!

i'm used to the depression. I'm used to being sad. But there's no sadness. I'm ENRAGED and I don't even know WHY. I haven't been this irritable in ... i dunno how long.
I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed!!!

*screams in fury 'til her throat is raw*

[free2beme]

((((((( rebecca )))))))

breathe, sweetie, breathe

[justfloating]

All that anger's gone now. Well, not gone, because I can occasionally feel it bubbling up inside me, but I don't think I have the energy to be angry anymore. So I'm just ... calm, I think. And maybe just indifferent to everything, for now. Decided to take today for myself and just not bother with anything else. I'll try again tomorrow, I guess.

I was in such a nasty mood yesterday. Dunno where it came from but hopefully it won't be back for a long, long time!!

So grateful for PC and the space to vent. Don't know what I'd do without this place!

[turquoisesea]

I'm wondering, how often do you feel angry?

For me I realized that I learned that feeling angry was bad so whenever I even started to feel that way I hid it even from myself, to the point where I couldn't feel it at all. And then later, I started to feel the anger again but I didn't learn how to deal with it...

Dunno what's up with you but maybe you need to find a way to express the anger in a safe way? So that it's not boiling inside attacking you like this?

sending hugs....

[justfloating]

You're probably right, turquoisesea. I don't get angry very often. I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm generally a soft-spoken person. I'm not argumentative (usually) or remotely aggressive. I prefer to let everyone else walk all over me than put up a fight or (heaven forbid!) offend someone, and I think that's usually because I either don't have the energy, or I feel too insignificant to bother. I think I'm impatient on the inside, but on the outside I prefer to just grin and bear it. It has a lot to do with my family and some of my friendships over the years, I think. My counsellor is helping me see that anger is as valid an emotion as any of the others, and sometimes it takes getting angry to provoke real change in your life. To that end, I think she's right, because the last few times I've really snapped because I couldn't handle the abuse/neglect/being taken for granted/stress/about a billion other things anymore, it did provoke some change in that I empowered myself to stand up to someone I never thought I could. Anger has made me feel guilty almost my whole life, so I've suppressed it as a "bad" feeling, but she's helping me to feel less guilty and to be more rational about what caused the anger in the first place. I have another appointment with her on Tuesday, so I'm hoping we can look at this a little more, now that I've started acknowledging the feelings I preferred to suppress before.

The one thing I do know is that I need to take care of this, now. Because if I let the anger attack me like it has been instead of acknowledging my feelings/situation and doing something about them, it's eventually going to wear me down completely. I used to feel like I was always wearing a mask around the rest of the world, hiding from them and myself all the feelings I thought were "inappropriate" or "wrong" or inherently "bad" somehow. But the depression has taken away that mask for the most part now, so that I don't have the strength to hide my feelings anymore and I have to meet them -- and their triggers -- head on. Hopefully I'll be able to sort everything out so I don't have too many really angry days in the future.

Thanks for your support.

[trevorzero]

It would be good if when you get a "mad attack" you could do something that would exhaust yourself physically. Use up your energy that way, and the rage will just float away.

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by justfloating

You're probably right, turquoisesea. I don't get angry very often. I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm generally a soft-spoken person. I'm not argumentative (usually) or remotely aggressive. I prefer to let everyone else walk all over me than put up a fight or (heaven forbid!) offend someone, and I think that's usually because I either don't have the energy, or I feel too insignificant to bother. I think I'm impatient on the inside, but on the outside I prefer to just grin and bear it. It has a lot to do with my family and some of my friendships over the years, I think. My counsellor is helping me see that anger is as valid an emotion as any of the others, and sometimes it takes getting angry to provoke real change in your life. To that end, I think she's right, because the last few times I've really snapped because I couldn't handle the abuse/neglect/being taken for granted/stress/about a billion other things anymore, it did provoke some change in that I empowered myself to stand up to someone I never thought I could. Anger has made me feel guilty almost my whole life, so I've suppressed it as a "bad" feeling, but she's helping me to feel less guilty and to be more rational about what caused the anger in the first place. I have another appointment with her on Tuesday, so I'm hoping we can look at this a little more, now that I've started acknowledging the feelings I preferred to suppress before.

The one thing I do know is that I need to take care of this, now. Because if I let the anger attack me like it has been instead of acknowledging my feelings/situation and doing something about them, it's eventually going to wear me down completely. I used to feel like I was always wearing a mask around the rest of the world, hiding from them and myself all the feelings I thought were "inappropriate" or "wrong" or inherently "bad" somehow. But the depression has taken away that mask for the most part now, so that I don't have the strength to hide my feelings anymore and I have to meet them -- and their triggers -- head on. Hopefully I'll be able to sort everything out so I don't have too many really angry days in the future.

Thanks for your support.

So well said.
It will take time to do this but you're exactly right, I'm so glad you're working with you T about this.
I agree... anger is valid. It's how we express it which can be "good" or "bad". It seems sometimes like hiding it is "good" - because we don't hurt others, but really we are hurting ourselves by keeping it contained.