What exactly is wrong with me?

I will try to express myself as simply as I can.

-I always feel worthless and hopeless and feel like I fail at everything I do, I can never be happy with myself and always put myself down. I also cry almost every day. I feel like a wasted piece of flesh. I feel empty and like I really have no propose in life expect to die and rot.

- I hate how I look and I feel disgusted with myself, I really hate mirrors and feel like breaking them when I see my reflection, I feel really depressed and cry when I see girls who are really pretty and often wish I could look like them, I end up feeling so disgusted with myself that I hurt myself buy hitting, scratching and punching. Living with my fiancé I find it easier to hide and can say I just fell or something like that. I just extremely hate myself period.

- I feel like people are always judging me, for whatever reason, my looks, my likes, the things I do, I have gone to job interviews and they never called back and I end up feeling like maybe they thought I was stupid or went with a girl who is better looking. Because of that, I really don't like going out very much and try to avoid being around people if possible.

- I often think about suicide everyday and think of ways of doing it, the thoughts never go away. I honestly wouldn't care if someone came along and killed me. I only try to keep going for my fiancé, but I can't make promises.

- I love my fiancé very much but I always worry that he will leave me and cheat like my dad did with my mom, sometimes I feel like maybe he is really only using me, but yet he is always there for me and does whatever he can for me. I try to trust him but I get something in my head telling me I am stupid and will only get hurt if I trust him. Sometimes I don't understand why he is with me, I know he can do much better.. Yet I worry he will leave me if he finds someone better looking, someone smarter, just someone better than me.

- I end up catching myself talking to myself and calling myself names.

- I worry that people are against me and are only trying to hurt me and make me feel miserable, I feel like people want me dead because they are sick of me, I feel like someone is planning some kind of plot against me.

-This may be sick but I envy family members who died before me, I often feel jealous and wonder why it couldn't of been me.

- I have trouble sleeping, my mind is always racing with thoughts and sometimes it's almost 6-7am in the morning and I just feel to hyper to sleep.

- I like to stab things, like beds and stuffed animals when I feel angry or depressed.

- I enjoy horror movies only to watch people die, I have also watched real deaths like murder and suicide and looked up pictures of such things.

I have been in the mental hospital twice, saw psychiatrists ( I didn't tell them everything since I only talked about the reason why I was in the hospital), I found all of that worthless.



That is all I will post for now before it gets any longer, I feel so much more things but some I just can't put into words.

Thanks for reading.

Hi shizuko87, welcome to PC. I'm so glad you're here.

I'm sorry you feel so bad right now. Are you on any anti-depressants? have you spoken to a doctor or a therapist about how you're feeling? If you're not up to that, what about calling your local crisis line and talking things out anonymously with someone there? It can be a scary step but it is worth it, I swear. It's possible to beat this. It's possible to feel better than you're feeling right now. I know it doesn't seem that way right now and I know how difficult that is to believe -- it probably sounds like I'm telling you it's also possible for you to flap your arms and fly. But this can be treated and it can be beaten. It's not always easy and it's not always quick, but it's always possible, so please try to keep that in mind.

You are not worthless or a failure. This is the depression telling you lies. It's tricky like that -- it lies to us over and over and over until we're unable to see the truth. But there are people who can help you -- coming here to PC is a great step, you'll find lots of supportive people who are or have been in the same boat as you. You can PM me too, if you'd like. I'm always happy to listen/help. There are all kinds of professionals who will know how to help you as well. Also, have you spoken to your fiance about how you're feeling? Having someone else in your corner while you fight your depression makes it a lot easier to do, and reminds you that you're not alone when the depression tells you the lie that you are.


Please take care.