[muse]

Well, folks, the saga goes like this:
'Bout a year ago things got out of hand, I took some pills, wound up in a mental hospital. Got out, underwent therapy for a year, was doing GREAT!!! Until Pdoc decides to change my meds. Brain goes crazy, Pdoc won't listen, changed Pdoc and am now on half the amount of medicine that seemed to be working so well before. I think maybe I need to up the dosage, but I'll talk to her about that later.

Lately, I've been feeling more and more depressed... today I was just so incredibly exhausted; it was that distinctive, bone-tired weariness that gets to you the way nothing but depression can. Haven't felt this down in a long while, and I don't really have anybody to talk to about it. Not seeing my new Pdoc for a while, and I can't open up to my friends or parents--I don't wanna burden/scare them! (but you guys are amazing, FYI...)

I think some of it's because I'm scared. I've been accepted to six colleges, and I'm waiting on quite a few more. My life is about to change IMMENSELY, and I never react well to that, so maybe this is just my brain shutting down. I've also been in a REALLY wonky place with my sexuality lately... UGH. But that's another story.

I'm in a safe place, but not a happy or productive one, and it just... hurts, kinda. I haaaaaatttteeeeeeeee ttttthiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssss....

sorry to rant, all, but I really needed to. Thanks for listening. *hugs*

[nowheretorun]

((muse)))))) dont give up

some days are very hard... would it help to say to yourself 'today i will not take on too much' ? then, look at the entire day ahead of you.. what is most important to be done? .. make the day list of things to do, 1st things first and remember to eat!

sleep good the night before.. feel rested and know that you are doing your best...

dont overload yourself and if you are already overloaded, take a deep breath and be sure that this is going to pass...

good rant btw, we all need that from time to time

[muse]

Thank you so much.... I'm trying. Today was a bit better lol, and I think I'm getting more confident about college (sorta). Regardless, I talk to my Pdoc/T today and I really think that will help. Well, I hope it will. I dunno. >.<

P.S. nowheretorun, I LOVE that quote about books in your sig--so true!!

[turquoisesea]

hey there muse

sorry about hte problem with the pdoc, I'm proud that you could get to another one, and realize that that one wasn't working for you! I definitely wasn't in a spot to realize it with mine until it was a bit late

I'm going to echo nowheretorun because I agree

college stuff is very stressful, I do understand.

I really just wanted you to know I read, and though I don't have too much advice it looks like you're going in the right direction.

sending many hugs if tha'ts ok

[justfloating]

((((((((((muse))))))))))

College stuff can be stressful/scary/surreal/an amazing adventure/the time of your life. It's a lot to deal with all at once, I completely understand!

Dunno if this'll help ease a little of the stress, but most colleges have student support counsellors who are trained to deal with ... well, just about anything, including depression. So at least you know that if you have difficulty dealing with the change of going to college, you'll have a professional support network available to help you through it. Mine has been absolutely AMAZING.

Glad you could get some of your feelings out here. Keep posting to let us know how you're getting along. We care.

[Pomegranate]

((nowheretorun)) I don't know about muse but I sure needed to read this today: "some days are very hard... would it help to say to yourself 'today i will not take on too much' ?" Thanks.

muse, change is always scary and overwhelming for me, even when it's good. Congrats on being accepted by so many Universities!!

[muse]

Thank you so much, everyone... I am feeling better lately, especially after ranting to my Pdoc/T, and realizing that a lot of this is coming from craziness re. college. I kind of have a plan, which is helping... but I'm changing meds again within the next few days (just lowering the dosage of the Neruontin by 100mg) so things might get a little wonky... I'll keep you updated.
You all are the best!!

[turquoisesea]

I'm glad you're feeling better

It's ok to feel wonky for a few days, if it's to get you better. While you're wonky, here's always a place to come to

sending hugs, and hope this med switch can help

[cfh1167]

Honestly, I can understand where you are coming from. (Not that I would know) But I can imagine that going to college is something incredibly stressful because you have to get everything in order and there's so much to do and if you didn't plan ahead everything is going to go tell hell. (I'll PM you about that too)

The fact that you were accepted to SIX colleges is amazing by my standards, so congradulations. You should see this accomplishment as motivation. It's definetly hard to be productive when your a procrastinator as well but if you get something to motivate you that might help too.

[kaytibear]

I am sorry things are so stressful for you Hang in there and be proud of being accepted to all those universities.

[muse]

Thank you all so very, very much... today was bad. Argument with my mom over something REALLY stupid (HER FAULT. I DON'T CARE. IT WAS. NYYYEEEEEHH!). And I feel dejected. But I guess that's just the way it goes, huh?

I feel really awful, actually.
Do you ever feel like you'll never amount to anything? Like your life might serve only as a warning to others? Hell, of course you do. We all do. It happens. Still. I feel as though God has given me all these gifts and I simply cannot figure out how to use them, or which ones to focus on. I feel like no matter which direction I move in, it always leads to more pain or fear or badness.

And you know what's worst? MY LIFE IS AMAZING!!! I am a spoiled little PRINCESS by anybody's standards! I have loving, caring, giving parents (even though my mother can be a psychotic, emotionally abusive nutcase, but wth) a brilliant, beautiful little brother, wonderful friends, a fantastic education, and EVERY opportunity in the WORLD AT MY FINGERTIPS!! AND I AM STUCK! It drives me crazy... there are moments, like now, when I feel like I shouldn't exist, like I'm just so empty. Moments when I wish I had the guts to... or had succeeded in... the awful 5hi7 I pulled back in October of last year... but I don'tcan'twont'that'sbadbadbadbad... UUUGGHH.

I feel like... like no matter what I do, I will always be faced with more work. I know that sounds selfish, foolish even--of COURSE I will. That is life. But that's just the problem. If I can't even deal with the stupid coursework of high school, with the basic, mundane aspects of living as a teenager, being cared for in my parent's house, how am I going to deal with the rest of it? There is absolutely no end in sight. None.

I am eighteen, and I'm tired of life! I'm tired of doing this, day in and day out! I have a few months left 'till MAJOR CHANGE, a few difficult, daunting, scary-*** months, and then MAYBE, just MAYBE, things will improve, but I am SO DAMN TIRED!!!!!

Ugh. I'm sorry, you guys. If you've read through this, you're a better person than most (or you care more. Or you're fascinated by my strangeness. Or whatever). I'm sorry. I suck.

Honestly? I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep. Stay here, do nothing, futz around on the internet, never grow up and be a lazy good-for-nothing. Anything else is too scary and hard.

I hate days like this. :'(