[bananasarecool]

for me its not a case of if anymore. its a case of when. when he finally hates me enough to not get hurt..when he dumps me.. i'm going to end it. and i don't feel like its a choice anymore
i don't have control over anything any more
the compulsion to vomit. to starve. to binge.
the need to burn..to cut. to feel pain.
the tears that i cant hold back when im alone
and now the thoughts that i cant seem to stop
how i'll do it
when I'll do it.

it would be easy to end it without him...
but hes holding me back
i love him.
and i hate him.
hes all i care about anymore.
its not him im thinking about all the time
its that night with my best friends brother
its feeling the fingernails of my best friend digging into my hand so hard its bleeding
its reading those emails telling me i'm a waste of space. to die.
and its seeing the look of disappointment i cant bear to ever see.

this is me.
tired.
alone.
confused.
with no control.
my heads such a mess.

[artichack]

To me it sounds like you need someone who is a professional to speak with, someone who can tell you that life can be good...not letting one dictate the way you live yours....I hope you find someone that can make you feel better about yourself....there are lot's of support groups and counselers...pdocs and sort that are there to help...people here at pc who care....and are willing to talk and help you throuigh the tough times. Take care...other people do care....

[turquoisesea]

I echo artichack, please try to find someone professional who can help.

its that night with my best friends brother
its feeling the fingernails of my best friend digging into my hand so hard its bleeding
its reading those emails telling me i'm a waste of space. to die.
and its seeing the look of disappointment i cant bear to ever see.

Who said that to you?
That's horrible.

You are worth it
despite what they say
*sends gentle hugs*

[bananasarecool]

thanks guys.
the emails were from a classmate... ive had similar things said to me on bebo. ergh.

im seeing a counsellor...and i feel like i cant talk to her. it seems impossible.

i just got an email from a friend.. now probably an ex friend whos upset with me for not being in.

i p'd off my boyfriend pretty bad too, i think.

and so i find myself crying once again.

[turquoisesea]

I think you may have to worry less about what your friends think, why are they so upset with you?

As far as talking to the counselor, I know it's hard *trust me I do I have trouble with it myself x.x* something you can do are to write some stuff down before you go, and hand the paper to her. Have her read it and move from there.

Is it ok, to ask you how old you are/what kind of school you are in and how long you've been with the boyfriend?

[bananasarecool]

theyre upset because i havent been in much lately... im choosing to not let anyone outside my close family know about my depression.
i guess... but i just wouldnt know what to write =/

im fifteen... im in year eleven going into year twelve and doing my gcses... so im basically going to college next year. ive been going out with him for four months next week

thanks for replying... i know it might sound stupid to you but it does mean a lot to me

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by bananasarecool

theyre upset because i havent been in much lately... im choosing to not let anyone outside my close family know about my depression.
i guess... but i just wouldnt know what to write =/

im fifteen... im in year eleven going into year twelve and doing my gcses... so im basically going to college next year. ive been going out with him for four months next week

thanks for replying... i know it might sound stupid to you but it does mean a lot to me

it doesnt sound stupid at all *can relate*

congratz on doing the gcses =D
I understand the decision to only let your close family know about your depression. I would agree for the most part with this decision, as lots of people judge things they don't understand very quickly.

The problem comes when your depression gets involved in your friendships - it will whether you TELL your friends or not. Maybe you could figure out some way to explain to them that you do care, even though they say you haven't been in much lately. Maybe one way to say this woud be to say you're having "personal problems"?? or something general that indicates that you care, and there's a reason for it. That'll be a personal decision for you, but I do think you should try to come up with something, because it's SO easy to push peope away or make them feel unwanted when you have depression without meaning to.


Before I continue I want to say that I don't want to sound harsh but I'm going to be consise and honest with you. I might come off strong. I am not in any way upset with you, and I do really care about what you're going through (believe it or not )

i don't have control over anything any more
the compulsion to vomit. to starve. to binge.
the need to burn..to cut. to feel pain.

You may feel like you have control when you vomit, starve, bing, cut, or burn. But sooner or later, and probably already you will lose control. It WILL spiral out of control. You will be caught in it. Speaking from personal experience PLEASE DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. Control the way your room looks, the way you do your hair, ANYTHING. But please. Be kind to your body.

Starving: if you starve your body enough, over time you will not get enough nutrients. You will not get slimmer, because your metabolism will slow down. You won't feel ABLE to eat normally any more. You'll be trapped. Meanwhile, your body is not getting the nutrients you need, your bones, your organs, vital parts of your body can suffer severe consequences. binging: very similar. Also, throwing up often can cause serious damage to your throat. People have died from bulemia. They can die next to the toilet.

Please, please PLEASE do not let this happen to you. If you can't stop these habits yourself PLEASE get professional help. You are 15. You have so many years ahead of you , don't let them be bad ones

Cutting/hurting yourself is also a vicious cycle. I've had some eating trouble here and there but my cutting has been far worse. It started so small. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, I didn't like it but it only happened once in a while. Last year, I was at a point where it was EVERY DAY. I'm not the only one. So please make every effort to stop, and also seek help if you can't do it alone.

About the boyfriend: I'm glad you care about him. But remember he's not your only reason for being here... you are worth more than a relationship


I hope I didn't come off to strong, and I'm sorry it took me so long to say everything.

Thinking of you, pm me anytime
~turquoisesea