[ohlindsay]

my story could write a novel, but i'll spare you all those details and get to the point. i basically have a good life, i really do. i've gone through everything but i've always been able to bounce back. except, i suppose in the last two years or so.. things have started to change, they started to change so slightly that i didn't even notice it was happening in the beginning. it started off as days where i felt bummed out for absolutely no reason, i brushed it aside and blamed it on anything and everything but what it really was. then it started getting a little worse, i started isolating myself a little bit.. i just couldn't bring myself to go out and do things and have to pretend to be "okay" when i knew i was far from it. i had so much negativity weighing me down i couldn't get out of bed somedays. and then suddenly, it all went away. i felt amazing for the longest time, nothing brought me down. and then just as quickly as that feeling came it went away, only this time.. the sadness was a little worse than the first time. people started to notice but i brushed it aside and pretended it was nothing and blamed it on stress. i couldn't bring myself to tell people what i was feeling because i didn't know myself. i couldn't understand why i felt so sad all the time no matter how hard i tried to pull myself out of it, i couldn't. i cried a lot that summer. i didn't tell a soul.
a year later and i still haven't. this is the first time i've ever expressed what i've been feeling to anyone but myself.
but i'm tired, i'm so tired of feeling this way. i feel so sad, i go out and do things that should make me happy and sometimes they do, but its shortlived and within a couple hours i'm back in this hole, where the despair, and the loneliness, and the sadness are so heavy i feel as if breathing is difficult at times.
i feel so lonely no matter how many people i surround myself with. i feel so isolated from the world, and in a way i am. i've lost a lot of friends because of my more often than not erratic behavior.
when i look ahead to my future i honestly don't see anything good, i see this life i'm living now.. me going through the motions but getting nothing out of it, and it makes me sad.. i want to be able to live again. but i can't.
i've let myself get so deep into this mess that i don't see a way out.
don't get me wrong, at times i feel so good i can't believe it myself, but lately those times are farther and farther apart.. and i'm starting to be unable to hide it.
i'm just so sad, all the time. i live a joyless monotone life. it hurts, it does.
but what do you do?

[justfloating]

hi, ohlindsay, welcome to PC!

Your post really struck me because you could be talking about me -- I went through almost exactly the same thing. I felt like my future was bleak, like I was doomed to forever go through the motions without getting any joy or satisfaction out of my life. Know that you're not alone in this, and I'm glad that you've come to PC!! Coming to this place is definitely a step in the right direction.

Have you been to see a doctor about the way you're feeling? I'm no professional, but based on my own experiences, you might be depressed. I'm currently on antidepressants and seeing a counsellor once a week, and both of those things have helped IMMENSELY. If you're not sure what to say to the doctor, maybe you could print out your post and take it with you to show him/her. It's a pretty good description, I think.

Lots of hugs. You're not alone in this and things can get better.

[leacon]

I strongly echo Rebecca's thoughts. What you are saying, sounds like classic depression or bi-polar. Like her I am not an expert but have been through this myself. You really need to set up an appointment with a doctor or else find someone at work or school who can refer you to someone. (The best referral I ever got came from a counselor at work) Things can get better with help. Without help things can possibly get worse and thoroughly mess up things in the rest of your life. Keep on posting here, we care and want you to get better.

[Berries]

Welcome to PC!!!!

There are lots of nice, wise, caring, people who can totally relate and want to listen here. Please keep posting.
And I agree with the above, try and find some professional help too.

On the home page here at PC, in the search box, type in therapists, then type in your zip code and there will be a list of therapists, their specialties, what insurance they take and if they do sliding scale for those who don't have insurance.

[Pamelah]

ohlindsay ... I too have written what you wrote nearly word for word ! TriPPy. Only difference being , I wrote it 11 years ago. One day for no apparent reason to me ... My Life just stopped !! Just like flipping a light switch I just withdrew from the world... walked away from a happy, content busy life .... to find myself in a pitch black basement completely alone. .... . this past Febuary marking my 11th year. No life, no friends, no family, no boyfriends, no sex, no hollidays.... AND NO ANswer as to how all of this happened ... I have always thought myself to be A SURVIVOR ..never a VICTIM.... AND as if there wasn't enough on my plate already... life added a nice scoop of Liver Cancer and a place close to the top of the Nations Transplant List and some Cemo to make sure the tumor doesn't grow while waiting for my Donor Liver "this has to be a bad dream" I just want to wake up !!!!

[Pomegranate]

(((ohlindsay)))

I agree with everyone else who has posted. I have felt the same way you do, the depression part. I hope you seek professional help soon. That and medication have helped me.