don't think i've ever been this low...

i am crying right now as i'm typing this....but I don't think I have ever felt this bad before. I have been thinking alot the past couple days since i'm going home for summer soon, that i have changed so much since before i left for college. when i go home its gonna remind me im not who i used to be....and i miss that person.

i do nothing with my life anymore. all i can think about is smoking. i have no motivation i have sat in my room all weekend...literally. I dont want to do anything....it is getting to be so hard. im so bored with life.

sometimes i feel that being in school right now is not a good idea, and that i need to be home with my family. i need that support right now but i have been trying to keep this dark secret. even with my therapist. i had planned to tell her everything last session but i chickened out. i just finished writing a letter to her but im nervous to give it to her while im in session and have her read it while i sit there. but i dont wanna call and ask for her email. but i really need to get everything that is bothering me out in the open with her now. this is my only way to get better.

i just am so stuck and lost right now. this mental illness is taking over my mind. its all i can think about cant focus on anything else. i hate it. i just dont know what to do with myself. too many thoughts and i cant even process them. im just rambling but needed to type this out. just wish i could fix everything in the blink of an eye.

has anyone ever called their T and asked for their email? should i do that so i can send the letter before my next appt.?

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((img))))))))))))))))))))))))) i wish there was something i could say or do to make you feel even just that little bit better. thinking of you and sending you hugs

((((lmg))))

I'm sorry you are feeling so very low. Lows suck ***** and that's all that can be said about them!!

I know you are doing your best with your education, but sometimes life makes other plans for us when we're not looking. If you feel you can manage this illness and maintain your schooling then I say go for it. However, there is NO SHAME in taking some time off, getting with your support group (family), provided they are a healthy bunch for you, and getting yourself right. Once you get yourself to a better place emotionally you can get right back into your schooling.

I sincerely understand feeling like you just want to bust open in therapy and not being able to. I was recently dx with DID and when I initially wanted to talk with my T about it, I couldn't. I just couldn't get the words. I felt I would go crazy if I even had to try. I decided to make a video for her and I asked her to watch it later. She was concerned and asked me some questions to make sure I was doing okay, but ultimately respected my request.

If you have a letter for your T, you could always take it in and give it to her and ask that she please not read it until after the session. She may ask you some questions about it but I bet she'll respect your wishes too.

Please take good care, and have Happy Holidays!!

img. I'm still new here, but I remember you from my first chat. You are a caring, helpful, respectful person. It makes me cry to read your post. I can relate to it being difficult to want to go to school or work during a low period. I wish I could say or do something to make you feel better. I'm sure everyone here, including myself, is sending you the best of thoughts during this time.

(((((((((((((((((lmg))))))))))))))))))))

Maybe it is a good idea to take some time off. You could ask your therapist for her opinion. Don't be afraid to open up with her. A good therapist can become almost like a trusted friend and confidant. In any case, remember that they are there to help you. Just be sure to let them.