[Junerain]

I connected with 3 high school friends on the facebook site tonight truly connected deeply...poured out the story of my life to them, in all its pain, all its merciless uprooting of a normal teenage girl they knew me as to SUDDEN and utter madness of awaking in the psychiatric wing at the age of nineteen...

I told them of the pain of exactly how each employer that chose to fire me did just that, pulled me to the back rooom to say something was different about my expression, my voice, I was too damn strange and they were firing me on the spot....................

By the twenty-eighth time that happened I began to lose hope in society NOT MYSELF

The fifty- ninth employer had no problem with me, I was actually his best worker in the whole three years I worked there. Always doing extra things to help etc etc

My family hated me, hated my illness.

The pressure in this town, the richest of all the suburbs to be something not only successful but madly successful is too much to handle for any one soul...

My mother would scream at me that I was delusional weakling, that I would amount to nothing etc etc

So these friends they go to church and they urged me to do the same, they said I must have saw how my family was and chose to be different.

I have not talked to my mother in 2 months and she's finally getting the picture.

Her superficiality runs deep, don't know if I ever could have a real talk with her.

Other family members blaming me.

My mother denies she ever said anything.

She seems to hate anything real, any true personality, true eccentricity, if you are emotional she will attack you verbally.

What place do I have for her in my life? My friends are deep people. I always loathed talking to her anyway. Part of me enjoys that I have hurt her, the way she hurt me over and over.

Am I blaming her for my illness? I am angry about my illness! I felt my high school friends reaching out to me, and that felt true and real. I have been crying tears of a life lost to the illness. Thirty-three years of emptiness I cannot even begin to describe. An emptiness so black and bleak, I used to stare at the clock and pray to God it would move faster as time itself seemed the enemy of all enemies..

I see my friend's pictures on facebook, and they have families now, have peace with God, have simple things to talk about, not complex.

I feel them reaching out to me yet all I can feel is bitter jealousy.

I see exactly what this illness IS and it's ****ing ugly.

I can go about my day and yes I can appreciate that the worst is over, that I have had my latest job for another three years and that I do not appear strange anymore, I have honed it down.

I guess these days one can be put in jail for being strange, for my 1st thirty-three yeasr were jail, a mental jail, a mental preparing for exactly how they would fire me next.

It feels good to cry, to let these things come to the surface.

certain people still try to pigeonhole me, to keep things surface when things run deep.

I hate the superficial people in the world.

My childhood friends were reaching out to me tonight, and I wonder why it is too much to ask for the average person.

I see people walk right past someone that has fallen and hurt themselves, I see apathy, I see arrogance, I see people who never struggled for anything.

This kind of hate eats me up each day...no one shares how they FEEL one has to go about this world with thick skin, with a cold heart, with selfish distance from the next person, who is actually sitting right next to you.

There is nothing I can do about how severe my illness once was. Nothing. I feel and seem 100% better.

But part of me knows I can never get those screams of wanting my life back to silence.

I have been cutting out people in my life, one by one, informing them of their shortcomings.

Am I too ideal?

I sit here and the last tears have left my eyes, ready to put the mask on and go on pretending.

That's all life is, pretending.

[Puffyprue]

[justfloating]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Junerain))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[bearchic34]

Originally Posted by Junerain

I connected with 3 high school friends on the facebook site tonight truly connected deeply...poured out the story of my life to them, in all its pain, all its merciless uprooting of a normal teenage girl they knew me as to SUDDEN and utter madness of awaking in the psychiatric wing at the age of nineteen...

I told them of the pain of exactly how each employer that chose to fire me did just that, pulled me to the back rooom to say something was different about my expression, my voice, I was too damn strange and they were firing me on the spot....................

By the twenty-eighth time that happened I began to lose hope in society NOT MYSELF

The fifty- ninth employer had no problem with me, I was actually his best worker in the whole three years I worked there. Always doing extra things to help etc etc

My family hated me, hated my illness.

The pressure in this town, the richest of all the suburbs to be something not only successful but madly successful is too much to handle for any one soul...

My mother would scream at me that I was delusional weakling, that I would amount to nothing etc etc

So these friends they go to church and they urged me to do the same, they said I must have saw how my family was and chose to be different.

I have not talked to my mother in 2 months and she's finally getting the picture.

Her superficiality runs deep, don't know if I ever could have a real talk with her.

Other family members blaming me.

My mother denies she ever said anything.

She seems to hate anything real, any true personality, true eccentricity, if you are emotional she will attack you verbally.

What place do I have for her in my life? My friends are deep people. I always loathed talking to her anyway. Part of me enjoys that I have hurt her, the way she hurt me over and over.

Am I blaming her for my illness? I am angry about my illness! I felt my high school friends reaching out to me, and that felt true and real. I have been crying tears of a life lost to the illness. Thirty-three years of emptiness I cannot even begin to describe. An emptiness so black and bleak, I used to stare at the clock and pray to God it would move faster as time itself seemed the enemy of all enemies..

I see my friend's pictures on facebook, and they have families now, have peace with God, have simple things to talk about, not complex.

I feel them reaching out to me yet all I can feel is bitter jealousy.

I see exactly what this illness IS and it's ****ing ugly.

I can go about my day and yes I can appreciate that the worst is over, that I have had my latest job for another three years and that I do not appear strange anymore, I have honed it down.

I guess these days one can be put in jail for being strange, for my 1st thirty-three yeasr were jail, a mental jail, a mental preparing for exactly how they would fire me next.

It feels good to cry, to let these things come to the surface.

certain people still try to pigeonhole me, to keep things surface when things run deep.

I hate the superficial people in the world.

My childhood friends were reaching out to me tonight, and I wonder why it is too much to ask for the average person.

I see people walk right past someone that has fallen and hurt themselves, I see apathy, I see arrogance, I see people who never struggled for anything.

This kind of hate eats me up each day...no one shares how they FEEL one has to go about this world with thick skin, with a cold heart, with selfish distance from the next person, who is actually sitting right next to you.

There is nothing I can do about how severe my illness once was. Nothing. I feel and seem 100% better.

But part of me knows I can never get those screams of wanting my life back to silence.

I have been cutting out people in my life, one by one, informing them of their shortcomings.

Am I too ideal?

I sit here and the last tears have left my eyes, ready to put the mask on and go on pretending.

That's all life is, pretending.

My first inclination is to say that you need to stay away from your family for a while. I do NOT think you are blaming you mom for your illness, you are blaming her for not accepting you for the way you are and for the hurtful ways she has treated you. You need to help yourself FIRST, make your self stronger before you deal with your family. You are now able to function in society easily so you can have MANY wonderful life interactions without your family. It sounds like your childhood friends care and did something to help other than critize and I give them all the pops in the world for getting involved.

So, Idealistic?? Not sure but expecting your family to treat you with respect is not idealistic it should be a given. I think you need to work with a therapist to work through the anger & Bitterness against your family and to give you idea's of how cope and defend yourself against these people

I hope that helps ~gentle hugs~

[Asylum Crew]

thinking of you
Ella

[thelionkinglives]

Originally Posted by Junerain

I connected with 3 high school friends on the facebook site tonight truly connected deeply...poured out the story of my life to them, in all its pain, all its merciless uprooting of a normal teenage girl they knew me as to SUDDEN and utter madness of awaking in the psychiatric wing at the age of nineteen...

I told them of the pain of exactly how each employer that chose to fire me did just that, pulled me to the back rooom to say something was different about my expression, my voice, I was too damn strange and they were firing me on the spot....................

By the twenty-eighth time that happened I began to lose hope in society NOT MYSELF

The fifty- ninth employer had no problem with me, I was actually his best worker in the whole three years I worked there. Always doing extra things to help etc etc

My family hated me, hated my illness.

The pressure in this town, the richest of all the suburbs to be something not only successful but madly successful is too much to handle for any one soul...

My mother would scream at me that I was delusional weakling, that I would amount to nothing etc etc

So these friends they go to church and they urged me to do the same, they said I must have saw how my family was and chose to be different.

I have not talked to my mother in 2 months and she's finally getting the picture.

Her superficiality runs deep, don't know if I ever could have a real talk with her.

Other family members blaming me.

My mother denies she ever said anything.

She seems to hate anything real, any true personality, true eccentricity, if you are emotional she will attack you verbally.

What place do I have for her in my life? My friends are deep people. I always loathed talking to her anyway. Part of me enjoys that I have hurt her, the way she hurt me over and over.

Am I blaming her for my illness? I am angry about my illness! I felt my high school friends reaching out to me, and that felt true and real. I have been crying tears of a life lost to the illness. Thirty-three years of emptiness I cannot even begin to describe. An emptiness so black and bleak, I used to stare at the clock and pray to God it would move faster as time itself seemed the enemy of all enemies..

I see my friend's pictures on facebook, and they have families now, have peace with God, have simple things to talk about, not complex.

I feel them reaching out to me yet all I can feel is bitter jealousy.

I see exactly what this illness IS and it's ****ing ugly.

I can go about my day and yes I can appreciate that the worst is over, that I have had my latest job for another three years and that I do not appear strange anymore, I have honed it down.

I guess these days one can be put in jail for being strange, for my 1st thirty-three yeasr were jail, a mental jail, a mental preparing for exactly how they would fire me next.

It feels good to cry, to let these things come to the surface.

certain people still try to pigeonhole me, to keep things surface when things run deep.

I hate the superficial people in the world.

My childhood friends were reaching out to me tonight, and I wonder why it is too much to ask for the average person.

I see people walk right past someone that has fallen and hurt themselves, I see apathy, I see arrogance, I see people who never struggled for anything.

This kind of hate eats me up each day...no one shares how they FEEL one has to go about this world with thick skin, with a cold heart, with selfish distance from the next person, who is actually sitting right next to you.

There is nothing I can do about how severe my illness once was. Nothing. I feel and seem 100% better.

But part of me knows I can never get those screams of wanting my life back to silence.

I have been cutting out people in my life, one by one, informing them of their shortcomings.

Am I too ideal?

I sit here and the last tears have left my eyes, ready to put the mask on and go on pretending.

That's all life is, pretending.

Hey Junerain, even though you are feeling crappy now I'm glad that you reconnected with some friends. I hope they continue to be there for you. I know at times it seems that people have emotional ADD & can fade as quickly as they offer support.

As for your mom calling you a "weakling". That is an out of touch comment with the reality of her daughter. Anyone that continues to pick themselves up after all the rejection you faced from your employment efforts shows strength & tenacity. I experienced alot of physical violence when I was younger. The bruises heal, it's the emotional scars that can cripple. I know for me persoally I have to fight hard to not let rejection cripple me.

I really think you are doing the right thing by not having communication with you mom right now. I know that might seem like a counter-intuitive thing to say that not to reconsile with her. I don't mean never, who knows what might happen in the future. I know it's hard but don't seek her approval. Live YOUR life...not the cookie cutter image that was pre-designed for you.

I know EXACTLY how you feel about society. This reminded me of a time this past fall. I had car trouble, it was a COLD rain outside. I've stopped plenty of time to help people out. I started to grab my cell phone to call my wife...then I decided to get out & set on the hood of the car to see if anyone would think to stop...I sat out for a half hour, in heavy traffic & not a single person even slowed down...I got back in the car & once my fingers were no longer numb, I called my wife & a tow truck.

I've also cut many people out of my life over the years. It can hurt especially if you are someone who gets emotionally invested in people. I disconnected from a childhood friend when he was arrested for stachitory(spell?) rape. I had small kids & even if I felt safe I knew that the risk outweighed the reward of the friendship. I poured thousands of dollars into helping a friend that had drinking problems even letting him be an assistant coach on a basketball team I coached to give him something to make a fresh start & turn his life around. I cut the friendship after he showed up to practice drunk & tried to con me into letting him drive my car. You ARE making the right choice to cut people loose that are no good for you. The fact that you are willing to do this also shows your mom is wrong about you being a weakling...this is not an easy thing to do.

I can understand how you feel about the pressure of expectations especially in a richer sect of society. While I was raised in poverty & I am living in it now, I have had good paying jobs lived in some of the nicer parts of town as well. Generally speaking, it was a very artifical society to me. It's about titles, who you know & what sparkly things you have.
I've always said the only use I have for money is the freedom it allows you to have in a society that worships it. I know not all people that are well off financially are shallow & self absorbed & while I do not consider myself traditional in terms of religion but I do feel that money along with power are the root of all evil. When we are gone you can't take cash with you & it will do you no good in the next life & in fact, while this may be a little morbid, wealthier people have a worse stinch to them at death than most people that die in poverty...o.k. maybe that's a little dark but it's real so I'll keep that in the post

I don't understand a world where your seen as odd or eccentric for an inability to be fake. But in many ways we are living in this type of society right now. As you know, employment can be a way this rears it's ugly head. While, I've never been fired from a job...that was only because I could fake it for a while then I put myself in positions to be hard to replace. Now though, the problem I personally have in looking for work is I just can't fake it. It seems they want people that have no goals & feel that they could not ever do better than the position your applying for. When I talked to a career coach about this, they said do what everybody else does...lie. I know it feels like life is nothing but a sick game at times & we are nothing but pons to be moved like a puppet on a string.

Keep your head up, you have plenty of value in this world. The people that fail to realize it will someday wish they had you there when their life crumbles. And from what I've learned about you since I've been here you are not a weakling. Also, keep in mind having a "weak" moment does not make you a weakling either.

I don't know if this helps or if I'm rambling but I feel the sincerity & honesty in your words & very much appreciate that & am always here to listen & help where ever I can.

Dear (((June)))))) I want you to know i have seen you come so far here at pc. I want you to see that first if you can.
For deep emtions to come to the surface is how you work threw things i think. As much as it hurts. (((giving June another hug))))) handing you kleenxe as its ok to cry.
As far as your mom saying ((My mother would scream at me that I was delusional weakling, that I would amount to nothing etc etc))
You are not weak kind one. And you are something , you are you. a kind caring person who is working threw her problems.
No mom should ever talk to a child that way. You are worth so much more
you have worked hard at your issues be proud of you. Im glad you connected with some friends.
You said ((That's all life is, pretending.)))) be you do not pretend. I see a person trying very hard. I see a friend
((((((((((((((((june))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Miracle1986]

June

[holder_of_the_dove]

June my dear, your feelings are valid......and I just want to hug you and let you know it's alright. Everything beautiful about you comes from the eccentricity,insight,poetry that is you. Families cast large shadows, as do our pasts, you've come so far......and no...I don't know, who could, your entire story, especially me....but you know yourself and know, nothing was your fault, and you are an innocent in all of the badgering and discrimination. Yes, at times we hope, maybe for a moment that someone can change and maybe understand what they've done to us....or just understand us....when it doesn't happen, we must be strong, and if we keep trying and keep getting denied, we can only walk away from those pleas for reconciliation......but I know it's not a lack of church or anyone of those ideas family or religious types attempt to force into our brains......sometimes, and in all honesty, we just want to be recognized....and loved....but as many of the others who replied, I have to agree.....you must detach and even if it may hurt them, it will probably damage you too.....honestly.....i just.....ME, I would never give up hope in some small glimmer........I know what happened.....and June you know what happened......do what YOU want to do.....but don't let this grief eat you alive,........your graceful loving ways are stronger and more defined then this.....you are better than the abuse.........life will always be there, ready to drop the ground from under us.....it is only in how we react that matters.....June you know I care......we can talk about this as intimately as you want to...but I'm sure through the massive support system you have, you'll rebound recoup and be stronger than ever.....and...for the surface dwellers......heh.....shallow........plastic people.........no masks darling........life is beautiful.....life is love.........life is tragedy.........life is redemption...and this life through your redemption is for your taking........I hope this touches you, the way your broken angry, longing words touched me..........I honestly had to force myself to not be overly anxious in writing this........I got emotional....you've touched me June in so many other areas, and now, I just hope and desire most for your heart to heal.....life is about the change........and you are doing all the right things.....I am so desperately sorry.....But I will be around as much as I can for you.......tomorrow I have an appointment......I'll be gone when you usually get on in the mournings....but in the afternoon I'll be there......just with my love take it....I'll be my heart......and you be yours....If you read this tonight.....look to the sky and know how I looked to it as well.....and upon that sky I left my wish for you to feel satisfied.....among the stars is where you belong.........beyond the stars with the love you find and one day children........there........no one can touch you......or invade that space of peace....and you are deserving , it's coming for you........all the beauty. That day, when the lucky man you've been dreaming of comes, I hope I still know you and we can celebrate this together.........you are everything that defines strength....

Greater than all writer's fantastical tales
More epic than any poet laureate could tell
A muse of grace and tenderness
A testament of strength untouchable
Dare an artist to paint thee, dare he?
Just as the chisel and hammer, shake and quiver in the hands of the sculptor
As do all who should see thee
A loving whisper to cower the hearts of all men
You are the presence, the beacon upon the shore
Calling, "This way, to safe harbor"
And when all others have fallen to bed
You and you alone are awake, to watch the fire that is ablaze

For you June, I am here, as long as I am here

Kindred spirits- Dove

[Junerain]

I awoke feeling like growth had taken place, in this feeling-spot I felt I'll call destroyed by life innocently....some encourage me to see lessons in the ways I was fired.......I guess I should not have been 'me..' guess 'me' is in some way blatantly terrible from the reactions I got..

I am weary of society, people....is it the ugly traits my family possess..or employers possess.....I guess ugly traits serve a purpose, took me awhile to learn the concept of 'boundaries..' before used to let anyone and everyone IN to my heart and soul...now I have become the mean one, as a way to keep my head above water, a shot at re-gaining my life, perhaps even a little dignity...still don't know how to take it when I am GRILLED about what _I did to lose those jobs...don't know the purpose of down and out GRILLING into people it just hurts...hurts bad..

Yes I am the one holding the key to my story, a key which does not quite fit, I shake as I use it,

I look out at the sky now, as you did, holder of the dove...is it the same sky as my childhood sky, where did it all go so wrong, where did my life turn from those carefree days as the facebook folks knew of me...they gasped when they heard the eruption of an illness with such force as to alienate a life turning empty...then to seem to have a hint of promise..with such promise comes asking....does sensitivity even attachment does younger days ever have to end and what is the purpose of adulthood....of maturity...if one must stand alone from their very family...stand in perplexity...

This time there is an answer, and it is to acknowledge there IS evil out there, there IS ignorance of an illness so real I do not understand why it is doubted, there is unjust actions, unjust words muttered with the intent of a wounding..

I can take my story and say out loud I am viciously MAD! Even though I have never raised my voice but once in this life, perhaps now is the time....to acknowledge anger and all that comes with it and that is hurt underneath it, coupled in one..

My story is still being written with the help of everyone here..it may never be published..it may never help others as I so wish it could be used that way...but it beats within me, is part of by blood, more than even blood relatives are..

I have collapse at this point but I am outreached a hand by psychcentral, by what goodness is left deep in the hearts of fellow man, good is harder to find than evil, for me, and I would hope it is more prevalent than ugliness of character, greed etc time will tell..

I look to the clock above me and it no longer is a sign of moments marching by like the enemy, moments are less tediously empty for I have grown..I have become more in touch with reality..

There is a lesson. And that is, I am Junerain. She will write her life as only Junerain can, be who only Junerain can be. Regrets come as I shared in the most feared? question of the month..Junerain fears living without fullness of character..Junerain will live, again as only Junerain can live, within the bounds of reality..if the bounds can catch up with her........

[LizzyB]

You don't know me, I'm kind of new to the site, but I recognized much in what you had to say, and I can relate. Sending hugs your way. Know that I care.