[Frankz]

Well in my life I've been hurting alot--it started at my new school..middle school. When I was little..I used to love school. Now I dread it everyday.

People seem to dislike me..When I talk to no one?? Its like I'm either invisible..or hated. My 'friends' treat me nothing like friends. Whenever they seem to have an issue..I'm always there. But when I wanna talk..they have to do something.

I started cutting my self a while ago. It just seemed to let my anger out..on myself.

My mom and I love each other..but when we fight its terrible (nothing physical). She seems to not love me..and I tell her I would run away but the real world doesnt want me either. Then we make up with each other a few hours later.

Then..my sister..
Oh boy.
We fight non stop. Occasionally we have fun...and mess around for the fun. But our fights are HORRIBLE. We fight physcically..over the dumbest stuff -.-

I REALLY would LOVE to get along with her. Its just sometimes we both SNAP.

Now for my grandmother. She (yes, and shes in her 60's) is addicted to pain killers. She says she'll go to a hospital or a rehab and comes back the week later..and shes done this alot. Not to mention she emotionally WRECKED my mom when she was young by not paining attention to her..her dad gave her all the love. And she is evil at most times. I THINK she would be nicer if she got off the xanax (sp?).

My anger issues.
I snap.
ALOT.
On the stupidest &*%$.
But sometimes i really go off...which gets me in trouble because I take it out on people who I really care about. My sister who I just typed about is my twin; I'm know as the evil one.

I act out alot at home..but not at school. I've come to realize (I think) that I have less of a chance of any sort of punishment at home because of the fact that my mom is somewhat a push-over. Which is why I act out.

One last thing-I dont live with my dad. That has alot to do with this. He's married...and was when I was born. He was cheating (yeah). The wife knows about us..actually loves us..as I do her (no where near as close as my mom, though). But I just really wish he could live with us, because his kids dont love him-they treat him like &*%$. Literally--I've seen it. His wife actually argues alot to..but I'm not TOO sure about those too.

-_-
Ugh. I just..dont know what to do. I have alot on my plate and resolve it all with injury to myself or letting it out on others..which aint good.

Some feedback would be nice..

[LSCS1950]

I AM VERY WORRIED FOR YOU. DOES YOUR MOM KNOW ABOUT YOUR SELF INJURY? OR PERHAPS A SCHOOL COUNSELOR OR TEACHER?
AND WHO EXACTLY MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE THE EVIL ONE. I WONDER IF IT IS WHAT YOU HAVE ANGRILY CONVINCED YOUR SELF OF.
I CAN TELL BY YOUR PLEA FOR HELP THAT YOU ARE NOT EVIL.
I AM SORRY THAT YOU HAVE SO MANY 'NOT SO PERFECT' CHALLENGES IN YOUR DAY TO DAY LIFE.
YOU ARE QUITE BRAVE TO COME HEAR AND SHARE. I AM OLDER THAN YOUR MOM BUT I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN HOW I USED TO CUT AND BURN MYSELF AT ABOUT YOUR AGE.
DOING THOSE AWFUL THINGS TO OURSELVES IS A SCREAM FOR HELP. YOU'RE TAKING A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION BY REACHING OUT!

[Frankz]

Originally Posted by LSCS1950

I AM VERY WORRIED FOR YOU. DOES YOUR MOM KNOW ABOUT YOUR SELF INJURY? OR PERHAPS A SCHOOL COUNSELOR OR TEACHER?
AND WHO EXACTLY MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE THE EVIL ONE. I WONDER IF IT IS WHAT YOU HAVE ANGRILY CONVINCED YOUR SELF OF.
I CAN TELL BY YOUR PLEA FOR HELP THAT YOU ARE NOT EVIL.
I AM SORRY THAT YOU HAVE SO MANY 'NOT SO PERFECT' CHALLENGES IN YOUR DAY TO DAY LIFE.
YOU ARE QUITE BRAVE TO COME HEAR AND SHARE. I AM OLDER THAN YOUR MOM BUT I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN HOW I USED TO CUT AND BURN MYSELF AT ABOUT YOUR AGE.
DOING THOSE AWFUL THINGS TO OURSELVES IS A SCREAM FOR HELP. YOU'RE TAKING A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION BY REACHING OUT!

Thank you so much for the hug. I've been talking to a friend through msn and she says also I need to seek help from my mom. Thing is, im afraid because she might think im having a bad life (in the househould, which is good, except for fighting), && she'll spiral out and think shes a bad mom..which shes not.

[Pomegranate]

Frankz,

I'm sorry to hear how much anger and pain is in your life. As I was reading your post something I read in a self help book came to mind. It's called the see saw effect.

To put it briefly, it means when one person is able to be quiet, unemotional, nonreactive, even passive aggressive to another person, it will cause that other person to over react, get too emotional, go crazy even. (Like it sounds like you do.) This compensates for the person who is not getting emotional, is not reacting, is not sharing their feelings in a constructive way. While the person who is aware of what is happening - though unspoken, unacknowledged by the other - keeps feeling more emotional, feels the need to act out emotionally precisely because the other person is acting like nothing is wrong, or they have no feelings when they should, or may even be intentionally trying to get the other person to act "crazy" so they can point to them and say "you are the crazy person, there is something wrong with YOU."

Because they are acting supposedly "sane," "cool," "calm," and "collected," they and others look at them as the "normal" person. While those of us who feel and acknowledge the unspoken insanity of what's going on around us and in our relationships, and thus react to that, are looked at as "the problem" or "crazy." When really it's the quieter, calmer unemotional person who is causing the "see saw" effect.

If you stop reacting to that, you can change the dynamics of the relationship. Or at least you can stop acting in ways that make you look out of control and make you feel bad about yourself.

Stop going "nuts" just because the other person doesn't, but should, be acting in an angry, or some other manner. If they choose to act like zombies, that is their choice and their problem. You can state what you think they should be feeling, and what you are feeling. But do it in a calm, matter of fact manner.

Whether they agree, disagree or try to further manipulate you into over reacting, once you've stated how you feel and why, drop it. Walk away. Try to disentangle yourself from all the dysfunction in all your family relationships.

If you can get into therapy, or see a school counselor that would probably be very beneficial to you. Don't let other people control your emotions. YOU take charge of your emotions and your actions. Good luck.

[Shangrala]

Welcome Frankz~

I've noticed that you are new here. I'm glad you've decided to look for support here. You'll discover this is a great place to find peace and compassion.

Your initial step is to approach your mom with your issues before anyone else. Give her the opportunity to provide you the help that you need. After all, your bond with your mother is a good one. She deserves the first chance at helping you. She will love you for it. And you will feel alot better about yourself for giving her that first opportunity to help you. It will strengthen your already established bond, which in itself, will carry the support even all that much further.

I am truly confident that your mother will not respond badly. Depending on how much you have already shared with her will also depict her type of reaction. Meaning, if you have said little to nothing to her as of yet, then prepare yourself for her to be taken by surprise, (and sometimes us mom's have a tendancy to over-react when thrown a curve ball). That does NOT mean that we are angry...we are just sometimes...expressive with our discovery of certain news delivered. Not all parents overreact. You know your mom the best, just as she knows you the best.

Give her the opportunity to allow the sharing of your concerns to sink in. And i can guarantee that your choice of approaching her first will prove to be the best move made, other than the fact of having the inner strength of dealing with and sharing of these issues.

Please know that your mother wants the utmost best for you. She will not look down on you or consider you a bad person. Trust in your bonding with her, Frankz. I know it's the real deal.

Also, try to understand that you are at a very difficult age. And with the changings of schools, not feeling as though you fit in just right, the outcast, etc.
The age for middle school has to be the most trying time of any age throughout our life's journey, (at least, it's what I've discovered along the way, and it seems to be the same for most others as well, I believe).

You're at an age where you're no longer a "kid", yet you haven't quite reached the age of the "young adult', either. And personally, I prefer to address persons at your age as "youths" simply because you deserve the recognition of growing older outside of the kiddy phase. Lord knows that youths of your age have proven to have the strength to sustain many hardships thrown your way, as well as having the intellegence which surpasses many of us older persons (espeicially in the technology feilds). The only thing which is lacking is the experience of living through the more harsh lessons that life awaits for us. And that is just another avenue where our mom can be of such great help to you.

Hang in there Franks. Keep us posted. We do care.

Shangrala

[Frankz]

Thank you everyone...and thanks for the love. I just got out a hot bath, it took away some stress, but not nearly enough. I'm having trouble on how I should actually admit to my mom what I've been doing.

See, I havent in a month or 2..the scars have basically faded away. I dont know if she'll believe me. And since I havent in a while..she wont understand why I'm telling her. And I WANT to tell her because of the fact that I'm slipping. And I'm at the breaking point to where I just may lose my fight with this. I feel terrible and I need help..on what exactly I should say when I get to her...I thought of doing it when I was dressed and all that, but 'stage' fright got to me.

-.-

[Shangrala]

How about if you write down what you need to express to her, then ask your mom if she has some time to talk.
Sit down with your mom and tell her that you are having difficulty knowing how to verbally express your concerns to her which explains your written feelings.
Hand what you have written to her and remain with her throughout her reading it. Allow her whatever amount of time she needs to read it without inturruptions, unless she decides to question something as she is reading.

Do your best to maintain composure and your best to refrain from becoming upset. Remember, that some of it may come as a surprise to her, so antisipate that sort of a reaction.

Perhaps too, that in your written expression of concern you can include how you are feeling uncomfortable with confronting her, (for whatever your reasons are). That alone will provide her an understanding of why you simply cannot verbally discuss it with her, and should create some easement into the entire matter for you both.

Keep us informed. We care what happens to you.

Thinking of you.....

Shangrala