Feeling Unreal (warning - may trigger!)

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Have you read this book about Depersonalization disorder and the Loss of the Self?..............

I've been stuck in this mode for many years. I've been treated for major depression, panic disorder, epilepsy, and traumatic brain injury. Yet, the depersonalization continues and I despise it. Saying that I feel alone isn't an adequate description of how I truly feel. I cannot find the words to describe my feelings.

I have no idea of who I am. I feel very removed from myself, family, and friends. I'm simply a shell. Feeling so alone ~ Panic. I can't bring myself out of it already! Even though I'm completely exhausted, I've been sleeping horribly for a couple of weeks now. Twenty minutes here, waking to body jerks and a pounding heart. I get myself calmed down after a few minutes, but it takes another hour to fall asleep. Then I wake after another hour. Over again!

It is nice to know that I'm not the only one suffering this miserable existance, in a way. I just want it to stop already! I become pretty angry with whoever I am. This life sucks!

((shezbut)) i hear what youre saying. im not sure how i could help other than, i'll be here to listen to anything you feel you can say.

i know its difficult. even if you fear what you say wont make sense, i cannot describe myself either.

take care, -Edgar

Hi Shezbut!

I just read your post. Just recently I found out there was a term for what I'd been feeling my whole life: depersonalization! Like you, it INFURIATES me when this happens, because I can't control it or feel in control. You're right, it does suck, big time! And I never feel like I belong - in any group or situation.

I'm not like this all the time, but I do feel it in many social situations. I'm fine when I'm by myself, but around people, I feel like I'm stepping back,watching my life take place almost without me.

Shezbut, it sounds like you have it much worse than I do. At least mine goes away, and I pretty much know when to expect it to return. Still sucks, though. Besides that, I'm also bipolar and have OCD, not to mention a clinic full of medical conditions. But I'm alive, and hope to stay that way for a while.

I know when I found out what this was, and that I wasn't crazy or alone with this, that by itself gave me comfort. I hope it does for you, too.

If you need to talk, or just want a friend, you know how to reach me.
Just hang in there, ok?

Your friend,

-KennyBoy-

Shezbut, have you seen a doctor about the pounding heart and sleep. I think soetimes we get wrapped up in our emotional issues that we can forget that sometimes there are physical reasons for some of the symptoms. I'm not suggesting I think that is what is going on for you, but a check-up is always still a good idea. Just think it, okay? Take care of yourself. Sending warmth and caring...

I guess I'm the only person here who depersonalizes and doesn't make them mad/scared/anything? I guess to me it's just that rather then being lonely or scary or any other negative emotions, it's more or less a rather peaceful sort of time. Sure, I'm probably not living the most fulfilled life that I could be, and sometimes I feel bad about that...watching the world instead of being in it... but I must say that life does put on a good show! (and I'm sure being detached from my emotions on top of everything else while I'm not personalized helps...)

Thank you KennyBoy.

Shez

Hi Miri,

Thanks for the tip. I have seen several doctors, as I'd presumed my depersonalization were seizures. I have temporal lobe epilepsy (TLE). But, after an 8 day stay and EEG monitoring at the hospital didn't show any abnormal brain activity, I'm very confused. The book states that a person cannot be diagnosed with depersonalization if they have TLE.

The case was already complicated before my hospitalization. I just want to say, "f it!". Tough to say whether my impulse is normal and healthy, or if I'm supposed to fight it. I don't know. I'm just so tired of trying to fix myself.

Shez