[3eyesofwisdom]

Years of psychotherapy and I think I have been misdiagnosed. I know borderlines have some dissociative stuff, but this seems too intense. I was diagnosed first with depression, then borderline personality disorder, then they said i might have ptsd and gave me meds for that. But they finally decided shizoaffective, and everyone just kept that. But there is too much happening.
I am scared. I feel like i am watching someone else in control and screaming for someone to help me get back into my body. I think something really bad happened when i was a kid. I am scared of what i think it is. I have been going into a rage for no reason. It is not like me. I have never been an angry person. I have been talking in different accents. I never even noticed until recently. Then it occurs to me all of the places people would ask me if i was from. They would say they loved my accent and asked what part of the south i was from. Or from london. I am thinking this might be my memory issues as well. Now that I am married I notice a lot of the day will go missing. I got in a fight with hubby and he told me what happened during the day. I couldn't remember most of it.
I am scared. I think i was hurt so bad as a kid that even these aspects like to hide. It is only my hubby showing me kindness that i think allows this freedom of all of these aspects. I do have therapy next week. I am scared. Very scared.
I know with this being misdiagnosed is common. I know that at one time i had drawn a picture of me as split in two. One half was like a fairytale princess and one half was like a gothic person would dress. And at one time I decided that god must've filled me with 7 souls because he didn't have enough bodies.
I recently had many tramatic things happen, so maybe this is a good time to see. I am scared. I will have to check this more to see whats safe to write. I just want to hold my bunny now
jennifer

[multipixie9]

dear jennifer,

i am glad you came here. there is some support and kindness in the people who are on this forum.

i have felt a lot like what you write and i too had many dx before someone told me i was DID. it was and sometimes is very scary to have things go missing in my memory and to worry that awful things happened to me.

i have been told that i already survived the horror once and therefore with time, help and work i can find healing and things can get better for all of me.

it is nice you have your bunny to hold. i have a favorite bear, named rusty. he makes me feel better when i am sad and upset. keep coming here and talk and read what people say and i think it will be helpful to you. you can take all the time you need and you can go slow and safe.

sending you safe, gentle hugs if you want them,


leslie and her pixies

[Jewels]

jennifer...we too have our first T slated for next week an r scard ta death too...we din realize til lately just how good the people here r at helpin calm things down...now i can feel safe an tell how scard i am an people seem ta know just what ta say...we were misdiagnosd too an would just like ta tell u ta go slow...very slow...the trust issue is huge an sometimes doesnt come for a very long time...we r hopin we dont hafta wait that long cuz this is our first time in well over 4 years that we have an actual T...we have a case manager but it just isnt the same...so we would like ta sit with u until ur session an will offer ne support that we can ta help ease the scariness...listen ta leslie an her pixies...shes got good stuff inside an im always in awe of everythin she tells me bout herself...ta see her taday u wouldnt know if she din tell u...an she is pretty solid on her love an acceptance too!

abbi of jewels

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((3eyesofwisdom))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. I'm glad you are seeing T next week. Welcome to PC. We're glad you're here.

[Elysium]

Hi 3eyesofwisdom!!

I was just recently diagnosed with DID a couple months ago, and I understand how scary these experiences are to even fathom, let alone talk about.

We are all here for you!! You are right, it is possible for people with BPD and with PTSD to have dissociative experiences, but some of the experiences you have mentioned sound a little more fragmented.

Just know that you have my support no matter what the label turns out to be!! Something I found challenging, and still do actually, is not allowing the label to define me. Regardless of what diagnosis you have these are your experiences. They are what they are. I commend you for being so brave with reaching out for support and getting yourself help. Keep up the good work!!

It will be difficult, but do your best to tell your T of everything you have been experiencing, such as the time loss, the speaking with different accents, etc. Sometimes it is easier for me to make a list of things to take in to my T so I can keep track of the things I want to discuss.

Best wishes for you!! You've got my support!! Keep us posted if you like.

[3eyesofwisdom]

I dont feel safe anywhere. I am supposed to see my grandma tomorrow. I been having such bad memories. I dont know if there true. I see bad things in my head. They scare me. I dont know what to do. wednesday so far away. I feel like they are gonna read this and punish me. i dont feel safe. i dont live them anymore but i still scared. I see bad things. I not know if there true. i dont want them to be. they seem so nice and kind to evryone . they seem so nice. did i make it up. are they really that bad? they couldn't have could they? but it fits so well. some sick country folk. move to the wood . do awful things and greet evryone so kind. but i cannot think this way. i am bad for thinking such things. I feel all alone, but it makes sense. i dont know who to talk to. bad things. i dont want to scare others. they were bad things that happened. they were bad. they were scary. but i feel so mean for saying.
Im so mad. i dont even care . i aint gonna read this at all. i am so angry i aint gonna waste my time
but people might get mad at me if i say the wrong thing. someone might hurt me. im so scared. i dont want to talk to my faamily. i am so scared. but they will call and they will stop by and i will be scared. i saw to much in my head, but it mustve been fake. who could be so nice and yet so bad. I dont know what to think. it all makes sense though

[3eyesofwisdom]

i went to the garden and was scared. I dont want to scare anyone else. i wanted to say the polar bear was itching his head on the way for a swim. but water can be scary for some. I didn't want anyone to think of something bad. tonight i know why donald duck is soooo scary. I dont get it. so many innocent things scare me horribly. i dont feel safe. who is this and what is that and why am i this way

[Hunny]

((((((((((((3eyesofwisdom))))))))))))

H

[Monty_girl]

Welcome to are little group (((((((((((((((((( 3eyesof wisdom )))))))))))))))))). Everyone here is very supportive. I really hope your appointment goes well this week. We were missed dx'ed for many years, Depression/ PTSD. I was finually dx'ed with DID 9 1/2 years ago and I was in therapy for 2 years before they gave me a dx. So sometimes it takes awhile for the T's to be sure. Just hang in there, and you'll have wonderful support here as well.

Originally Posted by 3eyesofwisdom

i went to the garden and was scared.

I'm sorry that happened.

Triggers are so difficult and different for everyone. Water for some, a butterfly for someone else. It all depends on our history and some will never know what triggers us and why.

We try our hardest to keep The Garden safe and light-hearted. I know sometimes serious, scary stuff gets posted in there and sometimes seeing the trigger icons might cause upset, so only read those if you are in a good place.

Try to stick to the happy threads if that's where you feel safest. There are lots of fun things in The Garden.

Welcome to PC. I think you'll find lots of friends and support here.

[Elysium]

(((((3eyesofwisdom)))))

My name is Willow. I am one of many!! I am 8 years old.
I know you are scared. I want you to know that it is safe here and there are good people who will not hurt you!!

Sometimes memories can be very scary. Maybe write them down when you get them....someplace secret. Maybe try not to decide if they are real or not right now. Save that for when you are with the T person. They will help you to find out what is what. Our older parts say that we just do our best to acknowledge our thoughts, feelings, and memories and try real hard not to judge them.

Wanna know how nice it is here? When we started talking here, only two of us were allowed to talk. But everyone has been so nice that now more of us can talk and we feel safe.

You are safe here with us....k!! Big hugs for you if it's okay for hugs!!

C-ya!! Willow