[peaches100]

I just returned from my therapist's office, where we discussed in detail the different parts of me. My therapist talked about parts that are "stuck in time" due to traumatic experiences. She also told me, after having saved several phone messages from me, that in my messages, she has heard at least 2 very different voices (e.g., she knew it was me but the sound of the voices was very different). She also talked about how I often misinterpret and misconstrue things she's said, and it leaves her a little confused and wondering "who heard what." She says she often gets mixed messages from me and that she thinks it is very important that we focus more in our work on understanding the different parts of me, what they feel and need, and what their "jobs" are. And, in time, trying to integrate them.

We also talked about how I exercise strict self-control so as to always appear normal and not let wounded or needy parts of me show to anyone in my real life and, as a consequence, most people who know me would never suspect I had parts.

My t has said that I appear to be about halfway across the continuum between a normal person and somebody with DID. However, lately, I've begun noticing (as I let up a bit on my self-control, or when i get triggered) that I sometimes think, feel, and behave very differently than the way my normal self is. Afterwards, I go back to my normal way of thinking and feeling, and I am very surprised or ashamed at how I behaved, wondering "Why did I say that?" or "How could I have felt that way?" The feeling I have when a different part takes over is that I'm aware that I'm behaving differently, but i can't seem to help it. At that moment, I feel 100% that way. But later, once I've returned to my normal mode of being, i just don't feel the way i did.

So here's my question:

Do you think it's possible for a person to have co-conscious DID and yet not lose time and be high-functioning enough and self-controlled enough to keep it completely hidden from others?

[JudeeB]

Yes, I believe it is very possible. Yet there may be times when it can't be done. After my initial breakdown and diagnosis I got to a point where I had a lot of co-conciousness and alters who believed it was in their best interest to not be noticed even when they were out or near the surface. So I could often appear very together and when I couldn't I stayed home!

[Luce]

It might be easier to think about if you do away with the label altogether and do a bit of research about "structural dissociation".
Here's what the guys who are on the comittee for reviewing the dissociative disorders for the DSM-V are saying:

In the theory of structural dissociation the personality fails to integrate during early childhood, due to a lack of appropriately nurturing experiences. Basically the theory states that the functional part of the personality (ANP) and the emotional part of the personality (EP) never learn to work together as an integrated system. Can be lots of reasons for that... constant invalidation or unpredictability from primary caregivers, ongoing abuse etc etc... the basic premise is that a young child never learns (read: is never taught) to regulate or soothe their own emotions.

So... the ANP and the EP operate independently from one another, often in denial of one another, like the black/white sorta thing gonig on in BPD. ANP denies the reality of the emotion (EP) and the EP feels it all and continues to feel invalidated, but this time by the self (ANP) I dont know if i make any sense, haven't slept in over 50 hours)

Anyway, that is called primary structural dissociation - that basic split between the feeling self and the fucntional self. Not amnesiac from eachother, but those two splits can form a self-identity... like I know this is me (ANP), but when I am like THAT (EP) that is NOT me.

So secondary structural dissociation is when the EP personality split divides into secondary splits in order to cope wtih different intense emotions. Like.... the original EP might react to traumatic situations by freezing (a common physiological response to trauma, and becomes a conditioned response of the original EP through repeated traumatic episodes.), but then a new ongoing traumatic situation might start occuring in which the best adaptive response of the child is to fight. the ANP part can't do that (never learned to cope with trauma), the original EP is conditioned to freeze, and yet another part of the brain is activated into the fight response. If that experience is also repeated over time, the fight response will also become a conditioned physiological response to that particular trigger, thus two separate emotional states (EPs) will exist.

Tertiary structural dissocation is when the ANP part also splits into several parts to avoid triggers that cue the EP's. the ANP's job is to avoid the trauma (EPs) in order to maintain daily life (as a child, being 'okay' or pretending nothing is wrong in order to gain necessities of life from caregivers, and as an adult, working, studying, having relationhips, having a family - also in order to gain the necessities of life). So the ANP is phobically avoidant of the EPs. In childhood there were obviosuly circumstances that made it not safe to be for the EP, and in adulthood being in touch with those feelings could overwhelm and mess with essential daily tasks like going to wrok or parenting.
Sooooo. the ANP splits, to avoid triggers. Like.... if being intimate with one's partner is too close to the trauma and triggers EP stuff, an isolated ANP part night evolve to contain that trigger ... so the main ANP gets to remain blissfully unaware of the EP crap.

Because... basic reason is ANP can't deal with it. Never learned to deal with those emotions as a child (not safe to) and still doesn't know how to. Any slight little bit of those EP feelings threaten to completely overwhlem the ANP becuase the ANP has no coping resources to deal with them. So ANP likes to stay in la-la land. nothing bad, here, no sirreee. ANP doesn't think about it. And when Ep has been triggered into the front for a while, when ANP gets back in town she sure as heck doesn't want to admit that anuthing was wrong. uh uh.

Anyway... some researchers say primary SD is kinda like BPD and PTSD. And secondary SD is like complex PTSD. And Tertiary SD is like DID.

Who knows. Its just a theory. It makes sound biological physiological and emotional sense to me, but i am pretty sure i just rambled and confused the heck outta ya'll.
look it up. Interesting stuff.

[TayQuincy]

Hi Peaches,
What you are describing sounds like what my T has said is called DDNOS. I have the same exact symptoms, my T says I will call her and have a different voice. She once told me, kinda jokingly as to not alarm me I think, that if my parts had names I would have DID. Recently we have been talking about my "little girl" part. I feel embarrassed about that part and try not to let her out, so to speak. But apparently, sometimes she calls T <sigh>. I don't usually refer to that part in the third person, but it makes it easier to explain how it feels. I, me, would like to kill her off because she really ruins things for me sometimes by being too needy.

[turquoisesea]

yes it is possible. I think people have different names for it. I've experienced something that does sound similar to what you're going through - I had very seperate parts that would be active at different times but I would always be there - just not in control I guess. I used to doubt it alot... but I don't doubt anymore. My voice does sound really different, my bf can always tell.

So in my humble opinion perfectly possible! And, I agree with your T that it's a good idea to figure out what your parts want/need ... that way your overall self will be much better off =)

*sends safe hugs*

Gee, sounds like me.
And here I thought I was just being stupid.

[Elysium]

Yes Peaches, I do....

What you have descried in your post is almost exactly like what I experience, only my parts have specific names and I know there roles. I don't so much lose time with them, but I do experience what is called micro-amnesias where everything seems dreamlike and I can have a conversation or interaction with someone and not be able to recall it completely. When I become aware that I have switched I feel like I am compelled to behave a certain way and my perceptions, views, and values change as well.

I have also been so controlling of my disorder that people don't realize that I have parts per se. They just think that my moods fluctuate and that some times I am just different.

I have been evaluated by 3 different mental health practitioners who have all diagnosed me with DID but state that it is also close to DDNOS due to the co-consciousness.

I know it is easy to want to have a label, so that we can feel like we know what's going on. Lord knows I needed to validate my experiences with a label. I needed a name for it. But I encourage you to just roll with your own punches. Just let yourself get to know these experiences because they are your own. You can discuss this with your T and see if she can evaluate you, but no matter what anyone calls it, these are your experiences.

I don't feel like I really explained all this well, but I've been a little FUBARD over the last couple days so I'm sorry if this confuses you in any way.

[lizardlady]

Do you think it's possible for a person to have co-conscious DID and yet not lose time and be high-functioning enough and self-controlled enough to keep it completely hidden from others?

Based on personal experience I believe it's very possible. To me co-consciousness felt like I was sitting in the backseat while someone else got to "drive" the body. There are people who've known me since before I integrated who never caught on that there was more than one of me in my body. And, yup, I was high functioning...graduated from college and ran my own business for years.

she thinks it is very important that we focus more in our work on understanding the different parts of me, what they feel and need, and what their "jobs" are. And, in time, trying to integrate them.

I agree with your T about figuring out what your various parts need and feel. The question of integration is very individual. Don't let her push you into integrating if that isn't what you and your inner family want. You might have noticed I said I've integrated, but that's not the answer for everyone. You do what's right for you.

Hi (((((((((((((peaches))))))))))))))))))

I am super co-conscious with my teen. The only way I can describe it is it's like I am watching her from across the room. I can see and hear her, but I can't CONTROL her. Weirdly, after she's been out, I do often forget the specifics of what was said, etc....but I sometimes have a period (like now) where I am kind of in-between and I think "oh, I am TOTALLY going to remember what teen was up to today" and then time passes and grown up treehouse is back and I can't remember much. If that makes any sense.

I'm not as co-conscious with my littler parts AT ALL, although I am getting (disturbing) glimpses.

It seems like teen knows EVERYTHING that goes on. She knows all of the little parts, she knows grown up me, she seems to have a grasp on the whole system and even what the little parts have said. Don't know what THAT is all about, since I consider myself the "real" me.

Whew! My head is spinning from trying to think that through! lol

((((((((((((((((peaches))))))))))))))))) I am trying to believe that it is a good thing when we find our other selves.

You sound a lot like me. My dx is ddnos and i have a lot of questions regarding DID too. i've also experienced times where someone else is in charge of my body even tho "i" can be thinking something other than what the other me is doing. Like, i can think no, i don't want to take those pills even as my arm is reaching up and opening the bottle. Other times i can be unable to speak while being aware that i'm experiencing that and yet not be able to break it right away.

i agree re: integration. i tend to think some degree of "integration" has already taken place in that we are aware of our parts and also think there are some i'm not aware of that simply haven't had a need to be present any longer. If your perception of integration is that the parts will go away then i personally find that goal to not be in one's best interest. If it is to have access to all parts of self then i think it's good. i have no desire to get rid of myselves. i want to know all of them, how they think and feel, and be able to accept them all. It feels disrespectful to want them to disappear even though i understand how scary some things can be sometimes.

Well...i'm not sure i've been of any assistance but wanted to let you know i hear you and believe i understand. i'm not sure of anything right now--seems like everything i think and say is circuitous--so take what works and leave the rest.

[jeNeTeConnaisPas]

I can interact with all of my alters, and have co-conciousness with one of my child alters, (out of neccesity, to care for him as he throws tantrums nearly constantly)

But, i cannot control when I "switch" or get triggered to switch, and cannot really control when "I" (Edgar, host) come back.

Its very irritating, got me in trouble today actually.

I wish people didnt think iwas just playing to be dramatic, or something, because I DONT WANT attention. Thats the reason I dissociated in the first place. Dont let anyone know about my abuse, so i wont get hurt when Mommy or Daddy finds out someone found out... you know?

Im 20 years old, and I just want to be an adult. I just want to be normal...blarrgh...

-Edgar

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by peaches100

So here's my question:

Do you think it's possible for a person to have co-conscious DID and yet not lose time and be high-functioning enough and self-controlled enough to keep it completely hidden from others?

I think its possible even without being co conscious. I didnt have co consciousness with any of my laters from the time my first alter was created when I was three years old all the way through my oldest alter who was 18 and still didnt have co consciousness until some years later when I was in treatment for having DID. my parents, my relatives, friends college professiors and peers none of them knew I was DID and none of them saw any difference. no one knew I had alters and switched into them until I chose to tell them. then for a long time no one believed me cause they didnt see any real difference after I told them. even my partner who has known me since the 9th grade couldnt tell the difference between me aware and me dissociated cause all my alters were the type of alters that were protectors that didnt come out and say "hi there I'm popeye how you doing?" they just came out and took care of the things I couldnt handle or do on my own. my therapist told me that they didnt notice a difference cause I was DID when they knew me before my having the diagnosis so of course they were not going to see any difference after I told them I was DID. Nothing changed except the knowing what I had. I still acted the same way before and after diagnosis so they didnt know.

[gail]

It is very true to form what you are going through. i have done this over 200 times and each time i feel like a new piece of a puzzle is placed into an empty space. When i learn more about them-idenities with Names, emotions, ages, likes and dislikes, their own personal memory they've hung onto for over 50 years-i come to the understanding of myself a piece at a time. It's like looking into the mirror after you've taken a hot both or shower--you can't really see yourself. But if you put your finger on any part of the mirror, the fog leaves that spot. Then another spot is cleared and another and so on. Someday you'll finally see that person the fog was hiding and all the traits that were meant to be-YOU!!

[Miracle1986]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Do you think it's possible for a person to have co-conscious DID and yet not lose time and be high-functioning enough and self-controlled enough to keep it completely hidden from others?

I think it is very possible, because I experience it on an almost daily basis (no one knows about Little Manda except my husband),
so yes I am very co-conscious with her. It's almost like I am half me and half her. It's weird.