Adult Vs Child State

Hello,

I'm pretty sure I have DDNOS in addition to my other diagnoses, even though my t hasn't said so. Needless to say, I do have self parts that think and react in very different ways. The biggest difference i experience is between my adult self and my child selves. When i am triggered into the child state, i feel very anxious, scared, needy, and shameful. But not when i am in the adult state. The problem is, my t is always after me to have my adult self help out and comfort my child self when i get triggered. The reason i can't do this is because when my child self appears, the adult self seems to disappear, and i just do not seem to have access to it in order to help myself.

I am co-conscious. I don't lose time per se (although dissociating can leave me feeling on the brink between reality and unreality, like i am watching another self, and feeling odd and fuzzy afterward, as well as surprised or shocked at how i behaved when in the child mode). But I just do not know HOW to keep the adult self present when the child self is triggered, so i can't do what my t is asking me to do.

It gets really frustrating because when i get into the child state, I am sometimes in a great deal of pain, and feel like i need my t to come sit next to me, hold my hand, or somehow provide a sense of comfort or rescue to me when i am suffering so much. But she wants me to be able to comfort myself. I get so frustrated because i'm just not sure my t understands how difficult this is to do. I'm afraid that sometimes she just thinks I want her to help me because i don't want to take responsibility for helping myself.

Does anybody understand what i'm talking about or relate to this?

(waves from corner, I relate)

((((((((( peaches )))))))))

Yes I've been there and done that, as they say. All I can tell you is, it takes a lot of time. It will come but I do know how frustrating it can be. It is good that you have the awareness of the child-self, that means you are half way there! Keep up the good work with T! Eventually you will be able to get the adult-self to stand firm with your child- selves. Not all the time but it will gradually happen. It's kind of like a nurturing process.

(((((( Peaches )))))))

I am pretty sure I would not have been able to do this self-comforting or adult to child comforting unless my T had shown me how to be kind to myself, first. We also relate to what happens to you and the DDNOS.

It took time but it is getting easier, except on extreme issues.

We take about 1/2 hr at the end of every session. We call it 'quiet time'. It is essential! In soft soothing tones T says gentle things. There are stuffies to hold onto and there is the quiet environment of the room, like what to see out the windows. As T does this I also learn how.

When time came for me to be more on my own with the inner children, I was able to bring up some of these words, sights, sounds, smells. The children love simple things like clouds and birds and sky, even sound of airconditioner in room. The other things came along after, like soft words, like caring, comfort, respect etc, always holding onto the soft toy and closing eyes and imagining 'pleasant' things. If yucky stuff came up, T redirected to gentle things.

I/we can't imagine a session without this at the end. It would weigh too heavily on the painful issue we had covered that day and make me not want to go back...

I learned those skills and then I have added some of my own as I have gone along. Like when in grocery store, getting anxiety, I pat self on upper chest, just say shhh shhh shhh seems to calm me down.

Hope this helps a bit.

H.

I can relate also to the just barely being able to recognize reality. I think I lose time but I am not sure...cause it's lost. Anyway my T is working with an alter who is very angry but wants so much to receive kindness from her. Instead she said she is being "firm". We don't understand this.

I hope your adult part and child parts can become closer.

((((peaches))))
I can definately relate.
I have yet to learn how to console my child self.

Hi

i relate too. i feel as though i completely understand what you're saying. When i read what you wrote, i think of the DDNOS/DID continuum. i think of it as not just as one line increasing in severity but as multi-layered lines that adjust both ways.

i haven't bought a new stereo in over 20 years but mine has an equalizer. There are three or four rows of levers that allow you to adjust the sound...more bass, less treble etc. That particular line isn't just low intensity to high intensity, it has multi-intensity points of high bass/low bass and high treble/low treble. Bass isn't any more or less intense than treble--they're just two dimensions of one line. It's not just that line though. It's several lines with multi-intensity points and that leaves a whole lot of combinations and possibilities in there. i think of DDNOS/DID the same way.

i have co-consciousness like you mentioned but not necessarily in all directions all the time. Your inability to bring forth the adult you (is she sure there's only one?...i think i have more than one adult) on command reminds me of when i get stuck. i can get triggered and not be able to speak or move--i freeze. i may not even know the trigger. i can think to myself "ok, i notice i can't speak. i'm staring. ok, i'm dissociating. speak. come on just start a word..." and literally have to push the first letter of a word through my lips and slowly increase my speaking speed until it breaks. i know what's happening but i can't snap my fingers and make it not happen. i also have a wreckless part that can take scary risks with my life without "me" making such a decision. i'm "there" with her but her choices are not mine and she can overrule my intent. She only comes out under extreme stress though.

Your T needs to understand the degree and intensity of your dissociative symptoms. i don't know how long you've seen her or what you've covered. i think a lot of times therapists are wary of clients becoming too dependent or transferring their emotions so they don't physically comfort much. i've been awed by others who have therapists who are willing to do that. At the same time, it's possible your T just wants you to build grounding and self care skills for when she's not around.

i hope you allow yourself to talk to her about all this and also to be tested so you can get the diagnosis out of the way. Labels are labels but they can help point you in the right general direction and dissociative disorders do often indicate different approaches to therapy. i hope things feel better for you soon.

(from corner with fuzzy)

I relate. For me it was important to get the child part comfortable and happy.. Find things she likes and have them around. She was happy that I got some tink pj pants the other day =) little things like that, a stuffed animal... something that part will like helps so much. The safer the child part feels the more likely you'll be able to work with that part.

tink! pajamas! stuffed animals awwwww

i think you made nice good suggestions for peaches. Trust is important...have to have trust to communicate and have to communicate to have agreement. Don't need to "control" a part, need to communicate, care for, be honest with and compromise. With agreement, no power struggles. All parts deserve to participate in life.